Counting. It’s one the first, most basic skills we learn in school. But never did I think counting would be something I dreaded. I’m an Early Childhood Teacher and mum of 2 at the beginning of my story. My children had both learnt to count now. I thought the days of repeatedly counting were past me, but instead it continues secretly in the back of my mind now where I can’t make it stop. The days that passed since I lost my angel. How long until I would get another baby to love. The days since my life changed forever. Since I changed forever.
There are 280 days to a typical pregnancy, and we count down from those two pink lines to the minute we get to meet our baby. Never did I think I would be meeting Noah at only 141 days… 20 weeks and 1 day.
Noah’s story begins in October 2021. My husband and I decided that our family was not complete with our then 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter. We were lucky enough to fall pregnant as soon as we started trying. This felt meant to be. We announced to our children on Christmas Eve and our families on Christmas Day. We were 12 weeks – Safe right? The following week we had our 13 week scan. Bub was not cooperative during the scan and it took some time, but they said everything looked fine. At the time I trusted them, but something didn’t feel 100% right. Fast forward a few more weeks and I began to get the feeling that something was wrong. At 17 weeks I asked my GP if I should be feeling bub? This is not my first baby but something felt wrong. At 18 weeks I went to doctor for something else but asked again to check things as it just didn’t feel right, only to be told to just wait until our 20 week scan. Nothing was checked, but I was told everything looked fine…
At 19 weeks and 5 days, I woke up like any Sunday morning with a sleep in and began my day around the house, until I realised I was spotting. Taking a trip to the ED where I had quite a wait. They ran some tests, I saw a few different doctors which culminated in a bedside scan. We didn’t get a heart beat, but the doctor said they could see the flickering of the heart and movement on the monitor… I didn’t see any movements. I was told to go for a formal scan the next day where it was confirmed with the words “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat”
We returned to the hospital at the most terrible time of my life, where the doctors gave me much better support than my first visit. They gave me medication to take and was told to go home for now, and in two days to return for the induction. The next few days were a blur. Waiting for labour to begin but knowing what it will be. Telling my children their sibling had passed and mummy had to go to hospital for a while, but not knowing when. Picking a name when you know you will never watch your child grow up. Realising the items you bought and the room you started to arrange won’t become what you had dreamed.
In the early hours of 23rd of February 2022, I woke with contractions and made my way to the hospital. At 2.24am I gave birth to a silent and tiny baby. Our Noah. Our angel. Noah had passed approximately 5 weeks earlier. I got to hold Noah for a while but sadly had to go to emergency surgery for the placenta. There were no answers as to why we lost Noah.
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Pregnancy after loss is like counting on steroids. It’s all you do. I had lived my life in 28 day cycles since our Noah passed, only to then go on and have a second loss just two months later. This time 9 weeks and blighted ovum twins. It was hard, but knowing that babies never formed made it easier to cope. I really started to think we would never have another baby. I thought never having another would be hard, but I really didn’t know how hard pregnancy after loss would be.
Fast forward another 10 months and we were pregnant again. This time I really protected my heart. Focusing on anything else, but still counting the minutes to each scan, counting each day, then counting the kicks, counting the ifs and maybes. It feels like you’re holding your breath for the whole 9 months while waiting for the other shoe to drop. The bad news to come.
I was lucky enough to have some amazing people in my world during it all. Some who had been there forever, and some new ones who really supported me with care and love. I was also lucky enough to welcome my rainbow baby boy into the world last November. Born in the same room as our angel.
My heart is healing slowly while watching my rainbow baby achieve his milestones. At times it also hurts knowing what should have been. I ask myself in the hard times, would it have been different with Noah? Always feeling afraid that Noah is being forgotten because we have another… But then I remember the two things that resonate with me;
‘Babies do not replace babies’ and ‘There is no footprint so small it does not leave a footprint on this world’… and I know that Noah knew nothing but love from me, and always will.
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