I started having babies when I was really young. Getting pregnant that first time was almost too easy; and it came as quite the surprise. It was my 21st birthday. She was a very easy pregnancy, and was born right at 40 weeks without issue.
I had two early miscarriages nine months and fourteen months after she was born; though my doctor assured me I was healthy, and early losses were actually quite common.
Six months later; however, I had my first second trimester loss. I was 14 weeks along. I had fallen in the tub, and that was the reason at the time given to me for the miscarriage. That loss almost broke me, but I was able to conceive again quickly after and delivered another healthy baby girl via my first c-section. I was 23 years old.
After divorce and remarriage, it felt like the right time to add to our newly blended family. We lost our first baby, very early on. Again, I was told that early losses were common and to not be concerned. It took another nine months to conceive our daughter, and eleven months to receive my husband’s cancer diagnosis. Being pregnant while my husband went through surgery and three rounds of chemotherapy may have been one of the hardest times of my adult life thus far.
My blood pressure was through the roof, and we ended up having to deliver early at 34 weeks because of that. I had many additional health problems after that, with postpartum eclampsia and a prolonged hospital stay; but our daughter was healthy and my husband is now a decade into his remission – though we were told that was it for us for babies; chemo usually puts a stop to that.
Fast forward to 2020 and us spending an awful lot of time together, my husband and I were curious if another baby may actually be a possibility for our family. He was tested and passed with flying colors! By the second month of 2021, we were thrilled to find out we were expecting again!! My pregnancy was anything but easy; remember I was much older this time around, at 37 years old. My body didn’t seem to respond as positively to pregnancy as it did the first three complete pregnancies. I struggled with high blood pressure for the entirety, and ended up having to deliver early at 32 weeks due to low amniotic fluid.
After a six week stint in the NICU and a household full of COVID and isolation, things were finally looking up for us and we were able to take our fourth little girl home! When she was four month old, we found out that we were expecting again. We were a bit surprised, but we rolled with it. We were excited to hear that it would be our first son! He measured slightly small at the beginning, but my doctor wasn’t concerned and said our dates were probably incorrect. We heard heartbeat after heartbeat and the first few early scans all looked good. Then by our 18 week scan, his heartbeat had stopped. He hadn’t grown correctly, and I had my 2nd second trimester loss.
I shut down for a bit. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I shut out friends, and stopped returning texts and phone calls. I stopped going to the gym, and if you know me, you know just how important my gym life is to me. I just couldn’t exist for more than my girls at that point. I didn’t want to do anything for myself; I felt that I needed to be punished because I felt that his loss was my fault somehow. I was supposed to keep him safe and healthy and I had failed. My body had failed. It took me a while to dig myself out of that dark hole, but my husband and our girls helped me. Quietly over the next year, I suffered from three additional early losses.
My husband and I decided that it was time to clear us of our metaphorical ghosts and pack everyone up and take some time to see the world. For almost two full years, we homeschooled our girls and traveled full time in our fifth wheel. We visited 46 states and saw over 65 National Service Areas – National Parks, Monuments, Historical Sites, Battlegrounds and Preserves. My husband and I said that if we ended up pregnant again, it was proof that we were in the right place and that is where we should stay. Well, right before Halloween of this year, only two months after we decided to settle for good in a neighboring area of Walt Disney World and 5 months before my 40th birthday, we found out we were pregnant again.
I was skeptical and nervous. It has been a struggle for me to tell our family, friends, and children. I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. But then, at 28 weeks I had an epiphany and decided that we need to celebrate whatever life this baby girl has; in gestation and beyond. Isn’t the whole point of life is to have hope??? My blood pressure has been somewhat stable, but she has been diagnosed as growth restrictive so we visit the doctor a lot. She will most likely be early, and spend some time in the NICU. I am scared every day for her. I hold my breath in the morning until I feel those first few kicks of the day and I often wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat having to check for a heartbeat with my at home Doppler.
I envy my younger self, who was so ignorant with that first easy pregnancy. I am 33 weeks along as I am writing this, and will be almost 35 weeks wearing the rainbow dress. I honestly don’t even know if I will still be pregnant or if she will have been delivered at that point! We take this pregnancy day by day. I am honored to be a part of this group of strong women, of these incredible mommas. Our final baby, our fifth earth side daughter will be aptly named Iris – which means rainbow, as she is our rainbow baby infinity times over.
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