My journey through motherhood
Before the storm
After marrying in 2011, my husband, Wilmer & I, decided to add to our family. In 2014, we were blessed with our first born, Grayson. Despite having morning sickness until 22 weeks, my pregnancy was uneventful. Six after his due date, Grayson was born just one day after his father’s birthday. In December of 2016, we had our first daughter, Jules, just days before Christmas. It even flurried the day we brought her home. My pregnancy with her was also pretty easy going. With two young children, we decided to wait until Jules was 3 years old before having more. Little did we know, our 3rd earthside baby wouldn’t come as easy as the first two.
During the storm
In 2020, we found out we were pregnant again for the third time. Like the two before, we found out pretty early and were eager to bring another child home. After a few weeks of bleeding, I contacted my OBGYN & was told to go to the Emergency room so they could do an ultrasound to look for a heartbeat. This was during the very beginning stages of COVID-19, so I had to go on my own. Eventually, a nurse came in to confirm that there was “no cardiac activity.” My first thought was I had to push aside my grief and listen because there was no one else there for me. I had no support with me due to COVID restrictions. The nurse said the ultrasound showed that growth stopped around 7 weeks gestation, I should have been 12 weeks at the time.
Once the nurse was done, I thanked them & walked back to my vehicle. There I was, sitting in the parking lot, crying, grieving for a child I would never hold. All I could think about was what would I say to my kids at home. How was I supposed to tell them there would be no baby? My next thought was that my baby had been dead inside me for almost as long as it had been alive. And my baby was still there, this miscarriage wasn’t over. The worst part, from a physical perspective, came about a week later when some medication I had taken to help my body complete the miscarriage made me hemorrhage. On the way to the hospital, I passed out and had to be taken the rest of the way by ambulance. My mother patiently waited outside in the parking lot to see what would happen. I had to be hospitalized overnight in the ICU, and received 3 units of blood. Again, I was all alone.
Physically, I had healed from the miscarriage, emotionally, I hadn’t even begun dealing with it. I knew that I didn’t want to have another child until my due date for this one had passed, which was October 31st. Over the next 6 months, I grieved so heavily that when October was over, I looked up at my daughter and realized I had missed the last 6 months of her life.
In early 2021, we decided to try again and I became pregnant quickly. With my history of a miscarriage, my doctor had me in for bloodwork right away, but it wasn’t promising. My HCG levels were not where they should be, so I had repeat bloodwork a few days later and it was confirmed I was having another miscarriage. This time, I opted for a D&C. I was terrified to experience what I had during the first. I also requested my OBGYN to put me on medical leave for 2 weeks so I could take some time to grieve without worrying about work.
This time around, I didn’t feel the need to wait until the 2nd due date had passed before trying for another child. My husband wasn’t so sure about trying for more. With the first miscarriage, we were both naïve, thinking it couldn’t happen to us. With the second, he was sure it wouldn’t happen twice in a row, while I was sure it would. Even with both of us a little hesitant, we tried again and in mid 2022, we were pregnant again, but like the last two, it wouldn’t last past 7 weeks. This time around, my body handled the miscarriage on it’s own and I had no need for hospitalization or surgery. Before we could even decide if we wanted to try again, we experienced the biggest heartbreak of our lives.
In September of 2022, our oldest son Grayson, then 8, died in a drowning accident on our farm. He was playing with his sister, Jules, age 5, in a nearby pond. When I went to check on them all I could see was Jules in the water up to her head. I pulled both of them from the water and began CPR on Grayson, but it was too late. He was declared dead at the hospital. The nurse came out to tell us “there was no heartbeat.” Immediately, I thought that’s not the first time I’ve heard those words. I flashed back to the first time they were said to me, alone in the hospital, back in 2020.
After Grayson’s death, my husband told me I could have as many children as I wanted, but I just didn’t know if I could do it.
Searching for a rainbow
Before we decided if we would have more children, the Lord decided for us. In January of 2023, during a routine doctor visit, my nurse practitioner had me take a pregnancy test before starting a new medication. I laughed and said “sure, I’m not pregnant.” I had known so early with the others, I was confident that I wouldn’t be pregnant. Well, I was. Immediately after my appointment, I went to the lab to have bloodwork done. My first round of results came back with good levels. A few days later I returned for more bloodwork, again, my numbers were rising. Slowly, I started to think maybe this baby would make it. We found out as soon as possible that we were expecting a boy. We weren’t sure of his name, but knew we wanted him to have a connection to his big brother, so he would have the same initials, GCG. Outside of more visits and extra lab work, this pregnancy and birth was a healthy one. In October of 2023, less than 30 minutes after arriving at the hospital, we welcomed our second son, Gunner.
Fast forward to mid-2024, we found out we were expecting our 3rd boy, due in March 2025. Everything has been great with my pregnancy so far. Just a little bit more tired chasing after a newly walking toddler. While we are anxiously awaiting Trevor’s arrival, we have not forgotten the road we had to travel to get here. Not everyone gets their rainbow and that’s not lost on me. We are very blessed to have found ours and pray we are moving further and further from the storm.
Photos taken by Katelyn at K. Frederick Photography.
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