Our story started in 2013, young, naïve and just enjoying life. We knew we would get married one day and have children, but it seemed a lifetime away. What we didn’t know was how horrendous the journey would be. I wish we had tried earlier; I wish we had inside information; I wish we hadn’t put things on hold. If I could have our time again, I would say, we are each other’s persons, let’s get on with it.
2016 we get engaged and started planning our abroad wedding, at the end of 2017 I came off the pill as we were getting married in February 2018, I naively thought I’d be pregnant after the wedding. 2018 was a whirlwind, with a secret UK wedding, abroad wedding and a home party, we were in a bubble of love and even though my period still arrived every month, at this point it didn’t really stress me out.
2019 my friend was organising her hen do abroad in 2020, I politely declined on the basis that I would be pregnant and would probably lose my money. What an idiot! 2020 arrived and with COVID lockdown, the hen party never went ahead, and here I was still with no baby. At this point I began to worry. Although I didn’t really express this to anyone, I was worried the stress would make conceiving even harder. 2021 arrived and then hen do was being rebooked for 2022, that’s when I realised how much of my life, I was putting on hold for this future baby.
I suffer with bad medical phobia; I have spent years and thousands of pounds on therapy to try and help me overcome this. In the past I have refused blood tests when I have been unwell, I initially refused pre-cancerous cells (I did eventually get treatment.) The thought of doing IVF filled me with terror. I remember my brother saying to me, if I had to have IVF would I pay privately? I said if I needed IVF I wouldn’t do it. The thought of injections, theatre, lots of medical appointments just made my head fall off. However, along came 2022 and we were panicking now about not having a baby. My period arriving every single month broke my heart, I was living in constant worry, panic, anxiety and upset. I needed to seek advice.
2022 we had tests, and it confirm my husband had 0% normal sperm (morphology.) We were crushed, but at least we had a reason, we were given advice to make lifestyles changes to help improve this while we went away to save for IVF. Within 3 months he had got it to 3% and then another 6 months later 4%. We then found out we could apply for NHS funding at a private clinic, (I had been to an NHS hospital and hated it, they didn’t manage my worries or fears and I couldn’t carry on treatment there.) However, it turned out not to be so simple, my GP was in an area that whilst you could apply for NHS funding, they would not grant it at a private clinic. It was the only area within Greater Manchester that had this rule. So, we searched high and low for a GP out of my area who would take me on. I was fortunate to be accepted at a new GP, who did the referral and within 2 months we were sat in the private clinic accessing NHS funding for our 1st IVF round. It was relief, worry, excitement and terror all in one. I had spent the last 2 years working on my fear with hypnotherapy, CBT, and counselling. The day we walked through CARE’s door, our lives changed. We didn’t know it at the time, but this team was going to bring us our miracle.
March 2024 and we had egg collection, we got 11 eggs, 9 mature and fertilised (with ICSI) and 5 made it to day 5. We had our 1st transfer, a fresh 5 days later and were blown away by a positive pregnancy test. We thought we had life made. This was it. What we had always wanted. We were on top of the world. This was everything. We lived in this happy, delirious bubble for several weeks and attended our viability scan so happy. We took a picture on the morning, I was glowing, my eyes were so happy, my smile is so genuine. I love that picture. Then everything came crashing down.
No congratulations at our scan, no positivity. She started off saying she was struggling to see because of the position of my uterus, that it was nothing to worry about but making it difficult to see baby and their heartbeat. A 2nd nurse came in, who then confirmed there was a baby and heartbeat, but they were measuring very small, and they wanted us to come back next week. She said it could have been the angle my uterus was, but I knew something was wrong. You know when your heart aches and you know you’ll never be the same again, that was that moment. We left feeling odd and confused, some hope but not enough to be happy. A week later, confirmed what I already knew (my symptoms had gone) the heart had stopped, and my uterus was full of blood, we had had a missed miscarriage.
The next few weeks were hell, medication for the miscarriage, then testing for ovarian cancer and grieving the loss of our baby. I thought life was over and I never thought I would smile or be happy again. I lost so much of myself with that baby. I had given up.
After some time to heal, in July we went again for a frozen embryo transfer, negative, August, a frozen transfer, negative. We then took some time and did some extra blood tests, to see if we were missing anything, a deficiency, blood clotting issue. When they came back clear, I was disappointed we didn’t have answers. November, we did our 4th transfer, frozen but added in blood thinners, in case the embryo was struggling to stick, negative. Our last embryo remained, I asked my doctor what we could try, our last chance. We decided to do a forced menopause for 6 weeks (as my embryo wasn’t genetically tested, they said it wasn’t viable to do any longer.) Then start on estrogen, progesterone, steroids to suppress my immune systems, in case my body was rejecting the embryo and blood thinners again.
We had our last embryo transferred 4th March 2025. We were pregnant. It had worked. We were so happy and excited. It felt different this time and the hope was right there and bringing us so much joy. Week 6 arrived and I start bleeding, bright red blood with clots. Changing my pad every hour for approx. 4/5 hours. I went to hospital for bloods and my HCG was over 17000, a scan the next morning confirmed baby was ok and we could see their heartbeat, my husband, mum, I and even the doctor cried. It was very surreal as I did not expect that to be the outcome. Week 7 some further bleeding, darker and only small bits, so a further scan showed us baby had grown and had a strong heartbeat.
Our viability scan at our IVF clinic came round at exactly 8 weeks. We had taken in cakes; thank you balloons and cards. I was scared to go in after last time and cried all morning. However, there they were. Moving about, heartbeat lovely and strong. The nurse spent so much time showing us different bits of our baby, including their arms and legs, spine and the dark bit where the brain was growing. There was no blood around the baby, and they gave us our very own care bear for graduating.
I had my 1st midwife appointment just before 9 weeks which was overwhelming but amazing to be making long terms plans for my baby. I never thought I would make it this far.
The rainbow skirt has always inspired me, to not give up hope, to keep fighting. You read the stories of the beautiful woman (and partners) who are battling for their babies. I love the sentiment behind it. I love that we have this common bit of hope to bring us together. I have already purchased lots of rainbow baby grows for our baby and I cannot wait for them to be here and bring so much joy to our lives. I hope sharing my story will inspire others to keep fighting, to know you aren’t alone and that on even the darkest days, it wont always feel like that. Of course, we miss our Strawberry Jones (our 1st baby) and they would be here now, crawling around no doubt and making a mess of our home, but we know when we get our little baby in our arms our hearts will be full of love again. We will tell them of their older sibling in heaven, that their loss made us fight even more for them.
Thank you for letting me share my story and being part of this journey.
Love always,
Hoping for Baby Jones xx
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