Project Finding Your Rainbow is raising awareness for pregnancy & infant loss. This rainbow skirt travels from person to person across the country and has even been to 2 other countries giving women a platform to share their stories and experiences.
When I first received this skirt and opened it from the box it came in, a silent moment came over me to hold this huge skirt in my hands that has been passed from one bereaved mother to the next to so many women who know exactly how you feel when you feel as if you are completely alone.
It was an emotional but yet powerful feeling. A feeling of comfort and that is very much appreciated because once you lose a child you become very uncomfortable in your own being.
Your heart hurts. Your soul hearts. And nobody understands the depth of this pain unless they too have suffered this kind of loss. The purpose of this is to document how women who have dealt with pregnancy/infant loss go on to find their rainbow. This could mean having another baby, deciding not to have any more children, choosing to focus on your health, shifting your focus to fostering or adoption, getting involved with a volunteer organization, or any other way that you have dealt with the loss of your pregnancy/child.
I went on to have my rainbow after my loss, Sylus is a double rainbow in fact! He is a baby born after 2 losses, I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2016 and then I lost Kaylee in 2020.
Kaylee was a neonatal death, she was born alive, she lived for one hour and 58 minutes before giving up her fight.
There was nothing wrong with her she was a perfectly, healthy, beautiful baby,
She just came too early. And realistically that’s not the case either. My body failed her, we are not suppose to blame ourselves but more than less I do.
There are survival stories of babies born at her same gestation. There in fact has been more and more news reports of babies surviving even earlier gestation births than she was. But what odds where in who’s favor on the day she was born and died? That is a constant battle I will fight with for the rest of my life. That is a part of this unfair life we live in.
Every one knows I got pregnant again very fast after giving birth to her. And my pregnancy after my loss was a very hard emotional and physical road I went down. I did not get pregnant again to replace her nothing or no one can ever replace her. But I knew that even though my life had just completely shattered and broke I needed another baby.
And it was now or never and that was the trial I withstood I knew the risk, I knew how scared I was and how hard it was going to be but I was willing to fight for it.
And that’s exactly what I did!
I have 2 amazing sons here earth bound with me. And one beautiful daughter in heaven. And even though my heart hurts every single day for her and the what if’s will always be lurking inside of my mind! The days I wake up from nightmares or the nights I fight falling asleep because I can’t bring sense to my reality.
I have to stop and know in my heart that god has a plan and though I may not understand his plan he has made me a warrior.
And all I can do while I’m here is love my boys. And Be the best mom that I can be and trust in him. And all I pray for is that Kaylee knows and can feel how much her mommy loves her. Because even though she is not here, she is missed, she is loved, she is important and she matters and I will live the rest of my life honoring her and being the best mom that I can be for my boys so they too will know how loved and important they are too me. And they will feel that sometimes when mom hugs us a little tighter and longer she is just soaking in how grateful she is, and how much she loves and needs us.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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