1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
First Child (Brooks): Several months before October 2023, I decided I was tired of being on birth control because of the way it made me feel. Like a lot of women, I also thought that maybe being on it for so long would affect my fertility journey. On October 2023, I finally had my IUD removed. My husband and I told ourselves whatever happened, happened. I fell pregnant the same month and we found out on Halloween that we were expecting!
Second Pregnancy: Chemical pregnancy – we conceived the very first month that we started trying after losing our son in April 2024.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
Brooks: Up until our anatomy scan at 20 weeks, everything was going smoothly. We had a dating scan around 9 weeks and he was measuring as he should. We were planning a homebirth at this time and were very excited that everything was going so smoothly. I had some severe nausea that left me bedridden for about two weeks but it went away and I was able to resume normal activities and working.
At 20 weeks, we found out that our boy was measuring 2 weeks behind, and so we scheduled a follow up for two weeks. Because of his positioning at the first scan, they couldn’t quite get all of the measurements that they needed so we just assumed that’s why he was measuring behind. No one really explained to us how serious this was until our follow up 2 weeks later. We were immediately sent out to Maternal Fetal Medicine, where baby was diagnosed with severe IUGR and placental insufficiency, and he was also experiencing decreased/absent bloodflow in his umbilical cord. We were followed closely by MFM and were admitted twice to the hospital for constant monitoring. At 26 weeks when we were admitted, we did not leave until our son was born and that was very hard.
Chemical: symptoms had not shown up yet when we experienced the loss
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
Brooks: Our sweet boy spent a week in the NICU before he left this earth and we did not have an autopsy completed, but he was incredibly tiny, weighing just 450 grams at birth. The cause of his IUGR and placental insufficiency was never identified. But they believe that his small size and underdeveloped lungs were the main cause of his demise.
Chemical: Do not know the reason for this loss either.
4. How far along were you?
My first baby was born at 28 weeks and 4 days, and he lived from 4/18/20245 to 4/25/2024.
Chemical: I was 5 weeks along when I experienced the loss.
5. What are your babies names?
Brooks Richard Salter-Chemical – did not have a name; Baby Salter
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
I had a c section with our son Brooks, and I was aware that this was going to be the case. We planned it the night before he was born due to decelerations in his heart rate and reversed end diastolic flow in his umbilical cord. I was terrified of a c section especially because there was a 95% chance they would have to give me a classical c section – which involves a horizontal cut on the uterus and would make it so I would always have to have c sections to deliver children.
With my chemical, I went in to have blood drawn to confirm pregnancy and the morning of my appointment, there was a very distinct line on my at home test. But when we arrived to the doctors office, their urine test did not show positive for pregnancy and so they ran labs. My HCG was only 24 and appeared to be dropping. I started bleeding the day I hit 5 weeks exactly. I did not experience much pain with it physically, but it did instill fear in me that maybe our journey to a baby would be extremely difficult. It also reopened a lot of the wounds I had for my son Brooks.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
Brooks: After he passed away in the NICU, we got to take him to a bonding room and spend as much time with him as we wanted. We took pictures and the hospital helped us get hand/foot prints for him.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
Brooks: When he passed away, there was not much guidance at all from the Children’s Hospital on how to navigate things. I was still pretty heavily drugged from just having my surgery a week prior, so my head was not totally in the game. When we left the NICU for the last time, the nurses didn’t even speak to us and just watched us walk out of the doors. We later learned that the hospital should have led us in making some decisions and offered us different things to do with him after he had passed.
Chemical: I started seeing a new OB whenever I found out about this pregnancy, and she is still the OB that I am seeing with my current pregnancy. She is very supportive and does not make me feel like a number, which is really important to me.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
Brooks: Family came around more often in the beginning but not as much a few months in. People try to be supportive but also not everyone would even bring him up in fear of hurting us, but not hearing people talk about him, hurt even more. I actually lost friends in the process of grieving my loss, but gained many too. Most of them being other mamas who had experienced a profound loss.
Chemical: No one knew about my chemical besides very close loss mama friends, and they held me up through that process.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
Brooks: With our first born, I was devastated and angry and did not know how I was going to make it through it. My husband was my biggest support and he put my needs above his own for a very long time. I was scared that our fertility journey was going to be very complicated as we had suffered so many issues with him.
Chemical: I was very emotional. I had not gotten too attached that early on so I feel like a lot of my emotions came from being scared of what the future held, but it also ripped open all of my wounds for Brooks.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
I had to wait at least 6 months since I had to have a c section, even though they recommended waiting longer. But after losing a child and longing to be a mother to an earth side child, that was my main drive in wanting to get pregnant again. Even though the pain will always be there for my son, by the time we hit 6 months postpartum, I did start to feel more like myself and was not crying everyday and felt ready to have another baby. I don’t know if loss moms ever really know when the time is right. Some start early, some, it hurts to much to even think about wanting to try again.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
The first trimester was filled with nothing but anxiety. I believe having a chemical brought this anxiety on. I didn’t have that much morning sickness this go round either, so I was worried that maybe my placenta was not functioning properly again. I started seeing MFM for twice monthly scans at 14 weeks and baby BOY (another boy) has been growing properly and there is no evidence of IUGR or placental insufficiency. I try not to worry myself to death because I am doing all of the right things, and if something were to happen, I know I am doing everything that I can/need to be doing. I have become less anxious as time has gone on and things have still looked great. I do have more emotions now about my first son but I think that’s normal. I am getting to experience a healthy pregnancy and it brings up a lot of emotion in that aspect, as we didn’t have a healthy pregnancy with Brooks. The frequent monitoring with this baby has eased my anxiety alot.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
For the first year after losing Brooks, I would post him on my social media stories on days that he should have been reaching milestones. Such as like one month old, two months old, etc. I see him in every cardinal that comes around. We have planted the wildflower seeds that were passed out at his Celebration of Life. We left some aspects of his nursery for this new baby, such as one blue wall that was painted and this current baby will be using the crib and other furniture that we had picked out for Brooks. We talk about him often and try and mention him to others.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?–
Grief has no timeline, so don’t let people try and force you to be better when you’re in the trenches of your loss. People may come and go in this time but you will quickly realize who will always stick around in your time of need. Lean on those who make you feel comfortable and don’t be afraid to feel all of the feelings. Child loss is quite literally one of the worst things to exist, and it is totally okay if you’re not okay for a long time. For a while I thought I wouldn’t make it through it. But better days did come. I still have my moments/days, just like anyone else experiencing a loss and I believe its really important to honor how you’re feeling and not shove it down. The tears and the heartache we have for our babies, is just the love we have for them with nowhere for it to go.
Photos taken by Summer Ipock.
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