My husband and I began dating in 2018: just two college kids working at a summer church camp and starting to build a life together. We were married on a beautiful, sunny day in October of 2021, surrounded by our favorite people. Knowing we always wanted to have children, when we began trying in 2024 and immediately got pregnant, we felt so many blessings unfolding before us.
On Thanksgiving Day in 2024, we announced the news to our family and close friends that we were expecting our first baby. The very next day, we learned that this pregnancy had ended in miscarriage, and I learned what it felt like to have my heart broken in an instant.
We lost our baby only 2 days after our 12-week appointment where we heard baby’s heartbeat and thought everything was progressing as planned. Our joy quickly turned to grief when we heard the words that are forever etched in our minds: “I’m so sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.” Our OB shared information with us, all while he held my hand as I cried, answered our questions as best he could, and told us that despite all our wondering, and although we often don’t know the specifics of what happens, it happens far too often. “Sometimes babies just don’t get to be earth side with us.” A few days later, I found myself in the hospital, hemorrhaging and quickly fearing the worst while being whisked away for emergency surgery. The physical and emotional toll of this experience was truly life-altering.
Still, through it all, we chose to cling to the promise that our baby lived a perfect life for the short time we were together, knowing nothing but unconditional love. Among all of the uncertainties, what we do know is that our Peanut is being held in the arms of Jesus until we can hold them in our own arms one day.
On November 24th, 2025 – nearly one year to the day of losing our Peanut – we found out we were expecting our Rainbow. This new journey has been a constant intertwining of grief, fear, hope, and joy weaved into one. We have been living the quiet reality of honoring the little life we lost too soon, while decorating a nursery and celebrating in the joys of a baby due in July that would not exist if it were not for our loss. Through it all, we have been resting on the hope of all that is yet to come and leaning on the peace that can only come through the Lord. We believe that this sweet baby growing and kicking inside me was sent to us by our angel in Heaven. As we await the due date of our Rainbow and pray she arrives safely in our arms, we honor those who have walked similar paths, acknowledge the coexistence of grief and joy, and cherish the life of our Peanut: rejoicing when we know that the first thing they saw when they opened their little eyes was the face of Jesus. We hold onto the promises of eternity and that one day, our family will enjoy the beauty of Heaven – together. Until then, we’ll continue to make room for both the love that remembers what we’ve lost and the hope that carries us forward.
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