A year earlier, I never imagined that this is the way I’d be spending July 25th, 2023. Things were supposed to be so different than what they are today but through this most difficult time in my life, I’ve learned to accept God’s plan, instead of mine.
I remember feeling queasy and sick to my stomach in church one day. I thought I had to use the bathroom but didn’t and went on with my day. The next morning I decided to work from home and casually took a pregnancy test which immediately lit up positive! Andrew and I were over the moon with joy and excitement in November when we found out we’d be welcoming our first child into this world July 25th, 2023. We downloaded all the apps and started on this journey to become parents. Things were great, and we were so damn happy, I can’t even put it into words.
We traveled to NY to spend Thanksgiving with family and celebrate Andrew’s birthday where we got to share the news with my dad. After that trip we started talking more about the future and ultimately decided to get married a few months later, before I was too big to walk cutely down anybody’s aisle. About 2 weeks later I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. I’ll never forget racing to the hospital from work to get checked out. I was terrified but was told ultimately everything was fine and our baby was okay.
The next day we followed up with the OB/GYN and started the process of monthly visits which would soon become biweekly visits. We planned to share the good news with the rest of our family on Christmas and that announcement did not disappoint is one that I will always remember. Our families were so happy for us and excited to plan a wedding! We spent 2 months putting everything together for the wedding. The dress I got didn’t fit and I had to scramble to find another one last minute (shout out to David’s bridal for doing free last minute alterations for pregnant women!!)
Regardless, everything was absolutely perfect and on that day, I swear time stopped. I was glowing, my husband to be looked amazing, and we were blissfully happy, ready to start this new chapter as a family. Being able to share this special moment with our closest friends and family was a complete blessing. January 29th is a day that I will never forget as my husband, our little bundle, and I took this step forward, together. We had a small dinner reception and did a gender reveal with our wedding cake (shout out to Yasmin Lopez-Matos for the delicious and beautiful cake).
Up until that point, I was praying I’d be a boy mom but when I found out we were expecting a girl, I was in complete shock. I was scared but so so excited to have a mini me running around. I knew she’d be smart, funny, bold, and gorgeous! From the beginning of our relationship, Andrew and I always said if we had a daughter, we would name her Andrina, and we kept our word on that. I started changing my entire registry, picking out things only fit for a princess, preparing for our baby girl, Andrina, to enter the world.
Only 11 short days after marrying the love of my life, my water broke. And yes, it was way too early. At 16.5 weeks along, we rushed to the hospital to be told that our baby girl would likely not make it. The doctor informed us that although her heart was beating, she could not live in a sac with no fluid, and there was nothing they could do. They sent us home to “wait” for her heart to stop beating. Only at that point could they do anything for me. They told me I’d still have to labor and birth her vaginally once her heart stopped.
We were crushed and devastated. We still are. Life has not been the same since that day. We went home and cried. We cried, we prayed, we sobbed, and we began to grieve a loss that had no yet occurred. I drank more water than I ever have in my entire life trying to replenish my fluids that day. We couldn’t fathom that this would be our reality, yet there we were. All I could do is bask in the final moments of carrying my baby girl, praying for a miracle. The next day I started experiencing pain and found myself back in the ER. Having to rehash the details over and over was soul crushing.
With my luck, I checked into the ER with a heart rate of 155 and blood pressure in the 140s. Since I wasn’t 20+ weeks along, I was not admitted to labor and delivery. Ironically there was a new ER doctor (the only one) and they did not know the hospitals system well. This resulted in me being in the ER for over 7 hours with no actual care. We checked in at 5:30 pm, saw the doctor for the first time Around 8 pm, did an ultrasound around 9 pm, and got the results around midnight that she still had a heart beat. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t do everything possible to save my baby if she was still alive but in their words she was “non-viable”.
The ER doctor this visit was particularly cruel. He mentioned several times that , “there was no saving this thing”, “we just need it to pass”, “hopefully it passes tonight”, and the worst of all “doctors are getting sued across the country for situations like this so there’s nothing we can do until the heartbeat stops”. Livid does not explain the way I felt. It was my mom, my husband, and stepdad with me at this point and everyone was starting to lose their shit so in that moment I had to advocate for myself. This was an extremely traumatic experience for me as a black woman, to be blatantly uncared for, to watch as it affected my children, and to be completely helpless. In these moments so many of us depend on compassion, but there was none.
Throughout these hours waiting I began to bleed profusely and have painful contractions. They gave me morphine multiple times which literally did nothing and continued to change pads under me like a puppy being potty trained. When I called for the doctors or nurse they’d shrug their shoulders and let me know the doctor was doing sutures or was busy with another patient..all while my baby was dying inside of me. When the doctor finally came back we got in a argument over the negligent care and I shouted that I knew the heartbeat was gone but I was bleeding out with no medical attention! I asked if I was just supposed to bleed out and die while he did sutures when he could have admitted me to labor and delivery. He very matter of factly informed me that she did still have a heart beat yet still would not act.
After voicing my rage, I was told they would finally admit me to labor and delivery and at 2 am, they finally started relocating me. I got settled in my room, signed the paperwork for the epidural, and before I could get it, our daughter was born on February 11th, 2023 at 2:53 am only 1 lb 6 oz. She did not have a heartbeat any more. We don’t know when it stopped because every test and ultrasound had shown it was still beating. The midwife informed us that she was delivered and placed her on my chest. In that moment I broke but this experience was far from over for us because…afterbirth.
I am so grateful to be able to have held her, touched her, and kissed her. I am grateful that my mom and husband shared this experience as well. We kept her with us for about 15 hours, 8 of which I was still having contractions (because afterbirth) which ultimately lead to surgery but that’s another story for another day.
The following months were extremely painful and life changing. My husband and I will likely never be the same. When you have to make funeral arrangements for your child, it changes you completely. Still, we put one foot in front of the other and continue to live our lives the best way we know how. We love each other that much more because we know we can make it through anything together. We miss our daughter immensely but we know we will see her again one day.
Often times women suffer these losses yet rarely speak about them. The loss of a child comes with lots of feeling of shame, guilt, and inadequacy. You lose friendships and sometimes, yourself. To now be a mother, with no living children is no easy pill to swallow. Checking out of the hospital with a white memory box, instead of a baby is not what anyone plans for.
Through my journey I’ve encountered countless women that could relate to and have shared in this pain. I pray that my story and refusal to crumble will show others that there is life beyond loss. It may look different, but it exists. To all the mothers with living children I urge you to hug your babies! Love on them!! Be patient with them and grateful to have them! All in all, I just wanted to take some time to honor our daughter, Andrina Grace Gaskins by sharing our story
I pray that I see you in the clouds, feel you in each gust of wind, and always remember that you are with me through every step I take. We love you deeply. You will be forever missed.
After 2.5 years of grieving, praying, and trying to conceive through medical intervention, I nearly gave up. I was tired and began thinking about what life would look like if we just closed this chapter of our lives completely, and accepted the possibility of not having any living children. Over a few weeks, I became more and more attached to this potential new reality, and at that point, it just happened. No IUI, no IVF, no medications..it just happened for us. I hadn’t gotten a natural period in over 8 months and had taken medication to induce cycles every 90 days or so. Then unexpectedly I got my first natural period on Mothers Day 2025 which was triggering to say the least. At that time we should’ve started our first medicated ovulation cycle but could not due to a possible upcoming surgery which we later found out was not needed. I was pissed to say the least that we missed the chance at our first medicated cycle. Time went on and on Fathers Day weekend we conceived naturally.
A miracle? Maybe. Divine timing? Definitely. And so we’re now on our rainbow baby journey expecting our son to arrive in March 2026. Pregnancy after loss has its own set of challenges but it’s the most bittersweet blessing I’ve ever experienced and grateful doesn’t begin to express how I feel.
Listen to Karina on the Finding Hope After Loss Podcast.
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Listen to the Finding Hope After Loss Podcast!