Lilith’s Story
January 31st, 2025, I take a pregnancy test because I had been having crazy mood swings at work. It’s positive. I can’t lie, immediate panic set in. I was terrified and cried all day. My husband and I had talked about children before and we were both on the same page of not really wanting them. We sat down that night and talked about what was going to happen and what we were going to do. We decided we did in fact want this and we started to get excited. We told our family and friends, all who were just as shocked as us. We found out we were having a girl and were over the moon. Our Lilith Marie, our Lili girl.
I was set on a home birth from the jump, so we found our midwife and the appointments started. We would see her and do dopplers to hear Lili’s heart and make sure I was doing good. We had to see a third party for our anatomy scan since my midwife was not in a clinic. So here we were 20 weeks and doing our anatomy scan. It was one of the second times we got to see our Lili on the screen. A few days later I got an email from my midwife. I had marginal insertion of the cord and our Lili was diagnosed with IUGR. As a first time mom I panicked because what did any of that mean? We were sent to a maternal fetal medicine doctor to do another scan and to talk about what all this meant. They told me my home birth was off the table and I was devastated. I know I sound crazy for that being one of the main things I was upset about but I had a plan set in place and that just got taken away from me. They then explained the marginal cord insertion was where my placenta cord was not directly in the middle of the placenta but more toward the edge and could cause some issues. We were also told they saw something with her heart and that would need further scans from a cardiologist. As far as her IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) went, she was measuring 2 weeks behind schedule. My husband and myself are both small individuals so I wasn’t too concerned with that. We left that appointment with confusion and worry.
We went to see a cardiologist specialist for their own scan of her heart and they established everything was ok and she was not going to need any type of surgery for that. We then started to see our MFM doctor every two weeks after that to do scans and dopplers of the cord to make sure she was getting what she needed from the cord. We got very close with our MFM team and I will forever be grateful for them.
During all this I was scrambling to find an OB that would take me on this late in the game. It took some time but we finally found one and met with her. I voiced all of my concerns about having a hospital birth and how I was feeling with everything and she was so understanding and made me feel seen and heard. We were seeing her once a week for NST scans.
From 21 weeks to 34 weeks we got to see our Lili grow, we got to know her little quirks, the things that made her mad, she was such a funny little girl. She made us laugh all the time in the scans, she was thriving and we were so happy.
34 weeks comes and we have our MFM appointment on August 26th, her BPP scores were perfect and everything was great. August 27th, I’m headed to work and I feel her big kicks after I take my first sip of my coffee. I laugh and tell her good job on those kicks. I’m a server so once I’m at work, I get tunnel vision until the end of service. I had talked to some of my tables about her, how close I was to finally meeting her and how excited the hubby and I were. I got home that night from work and my husband and I were taking a shower. Something finally clicked and I realized I hadn’t felt her since those big kicks at 1:30.
Panic sets in but I’m externally calm. I knew. I knew she was gone. I called the hospital and told them what was going on. We drove in. 3am on the 28th we get back into a room and they are putting the belly monitor on me. The nurse was an elderly lady and I remember she wouldn’t really look at me. I told her where to put the monitor because I knew that’s where they would find her heart beat immediately. Silence. Nothing. No sounds. No heart beat. I knew she was gone. I couldn’t cry, nothing came out. Just shock. They send this random doctor in and he does an ultrasound and shows us her heart. Still. No movement. He tells us “I’m sorry but there is no heart beat, she’s gone.”. Everyone left the room and we broke. Our entire world shattered. How unfair, we made it this far, we had everything ready for her, and now she’s just gone? There was no warning, no pain, no blood. We were told I would have to have a normal birth. I had to give birth to my dead baby. We were given the option of going home to sleep and come back the next day or to start immediately.
We decided not to immediately go in and go home to try and sleep. I slept for maybe 2 hours before getting up the next morning and calling my doctors office. I had an appointment that morning and I had to tell them we lost her. They had me come in for that appointment and I was sent over to the hospital to start the process.
I’m sent to the high risk labor and delivery floor. I get in a room and I start to meet my team of nurses. Ella was my first nurse, my day shift nurse. She was the nurse that explained everything about what was going to happen over the next day or two. My night shift nurse was Blair, and I connected to Blair immediately for some reason. By the time I woke up the next morning I had a new nurse, Greta. August 29th, today is the day that was going to be holding my baby. I had started induction the night before so that I would labor throughout the day. I got an epidural and basically slept the entire day. 6pm that night, Blair is back and it’s getting close to pushing time. 8:04pm, after 4 pushes Lili had made it. She was a perfect sleeping angel. They took her to clean her up and I had to pass the placenta still. I asked to see my shitty placenta and the Doctor help up pieces of it. That was it. My placenta had given up. It was shredded. My body failed me and my baby.
My husband and I got to hold our sweet girl and love on her for that night and into the next day. We got pictures. Gave her kisses. Tried to remember every detail of her we could. She was 4lbs and 18in of perfection. We miss her so much every damn day.
November 4th, 2025, I take another test. It’s positive. The rollercoaster of emotions was no joke. We were happy, scared, and a little sad. I remind myself everyday that Lilith sent us this rainbow baby because she knew we needed him. We love her endlessly and we will forever say her name.
My husband and I are so thankful for the support we have received from our family and friends. They say it takes a village to raise a baby, but no one talks about the village it takes to grieve a baby.
We are expecting our baby boy June of 2026, our Vincent Xavier. It’s going to be a long ride of holding our breath every appointment but we are so hopeful for this little boy.
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