I had my first son in April 2021. I found out at 25 weeks that I had a short cervix and would definitely deliver early. I was put on bed rest and referred to Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto which is one of the best. I was seen by the Specialty Pregnancy doctors there the next week, and was told I would need to be on bed rest in hospital. This was in the middle of covid, so the thought of being alone in a hospital with no visitors for potentially 3 more months was not an option for me. Luckily they had a program to house patients at a nearby hotel in case anything happened and you needed to go to hospital. Two weeks later, I woke up to use the washroom and noticed something that didn’t seem right. My husband and I headed to the hospital and I was told I was 10cm dilated and would deliver that day. I was taken into a room, hooked up to monitors, and was told all the details that come along with having a preemie in the NICU.
A few hours later I was in an operating room, delivering my 2lb baby Jacob. The feeling of a doctor just showing you your baby for a split second before taking them away is heartbreaking. You see in movies all the time, the moment your newborn gets placed onto your chest and you’re instantly in love. I never got to have this experience with my baby.
In the days that followed, we got to hold our tiny baby’s hand through an incubator, and talked to him, while he had seizures, brain bleeds, and needing several machines to keep him alive. It was terrifying but we were so hopeful he would stay strong and come home. But 8 days later, we left for a break to move some things into our new house and we were gone for 10 minutes before they called and said we should come back. He was suffering, and the diagnosis wasn’t good. We had to make the biggest decision of our lives. We couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. This tiny, innocent baby just fighting. My husband is so strong and held him until he passed. The saddest thing I’ve ever done was leaving that hospital for the last time with nothing but a teddy bear with a Jacob necklace and no baby. I replay that moment in my over and over because that was the saddest moment of my life.
Healing is HARD. Grief is EXHAUSTING. Having a funeral for a baby should not be a real thing. But it is. Luckily my baby boy is buried close to home so I can visit him.
I was so lucky to be pregnant again shortly after, and deliver a happy, healthy, baby boy in May 2022. He is the happiest, smartest, sweetest big brother.
We wanted so bad for him to have a sibling. Unfortunately, I have had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months. The grief is different, but still there.
This has taught me to be strong and keep going, to understand and accept that things happen for a reason and God has a plan for us, and that you can’t judge people because you never know what they’ve been through.
I pray for everyone who’s experienced this or similar things, and want to share my story of hope, and believing that there is always a purpose for you.
Photos taken by Pattison Photo Booth.
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