Lottie’s story
Ever since getting pregnant with my son Warren in 2023 and having a smooth pregnancy with my son being born June 2024 it has been easy to conceive.
6 months postpartum I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Lottie. Being pregnant with Lottie was a breeze. Felt and watched her wiggle every day she grew. Just as easy as my sons. There were absolutely no issues. We just celebrated another addition waiting to join our family, We set up her nursery just days prior to everything happening, And then came my 39 week appointment.
I showed up as normal and they measured my belly. Then she pulled out the Doppler. She was newer so I wasn’t worried that she was having trouble locating her heart beat, then she brought in my OB Jen, Jen was quiet and she is never quiet. That’s when my panic set in. I asked her what was wrong. She calmly told me she couldn’t find a heartbeat, she took me for an ultrasound to confirm and nothing. No movement, no heartbeat. My fiancé was racing to the doctor’s office from an hour away at work.
Jen sat with me as long as she could. When Bryce my fiancé showed up, she had went to contact the hospital to set me up to be induced to deliver my angel. It was set for the next day and Bryce took me home. We cried together. Held each other tight. I’ve never seen him cry until that day… I’ll never forget the crack in his voice when he said “is she really gone hunny”
But my sweet girl still had other plans, after we went to bed contractions slowly started. By 11:30 they were already 3-5 minutes apart. She arrived silently on her own terms. Just a steady progressing labor.
At 4:47 am she was earth side. So so quiet yet the silence was so loud my heart shattered all over again. I kept repeating just cry please. She was placed on my chest and was just instantly perfect. She looked exactly like me as a baby. My beautiful nurse took all the photos for me. She dressed her in her outfits I still brought and they made molds of her hands feet and face. They cut a piece of her hair for me. We got a keep sake box a bear that was her birth weight of 4lbs 8oz, it has a bracelet with her name on it. My beautiful nurse MJ he grabbed a prayer shawl for me and told me she personally prayed over it for me, it was so touching. We had the hospitals Chaplin come baptize her with the most beautiful little ceremony he wrote out just for us. We got to spend as much time as we wanted with her. We didn’t wanna say goodbye. We didn’t wanna walk away without her. Leaving that room at the end of that day will forever replay in my mind.
We got one last moment with her at the funeral home before our baby girl was cremated. The only way we could bring her home…
They had her swaddled so perfectly you would’ve thought she was just a sleeping baby
We had the hospital do everything possible to give us answers to what happened to our miss Lottie Mae. Her genetics were fine, her autopsy revealed nothing wrong or out of the ordinary. That call shattered me again. Cause at the end of the day I had a healthy baby girl. But yet she died, and still I don’t know why.
Almost four months later as I’m writing this on December 5th 2025, I have felt all the emotions. But the one that doesn’t go away is this feeling of emptiness. Knowing that she should be here but isn’t. That a piece of my heart is gone.
As my grief journey has continued I’ve felt urged to become closer with God. My baby is in heaven with Jesus is the only thing keeping me going. That’s Jesus, And knowing one day I will meet my baby girl keeps me going. And knowing I need to live for my son now, keeps me going.
Grief isn’t linear it comes and go in ways you wouldn’t imagine. Lately my battle has been hard. But a month ago. I felt okay like I could breathe a little better. But now, I feel like I’m drowning. But I refuse to give up.
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