My first two pregnancies were fast, unexpected, and definitely God’s gift to me. I was with my boyfriend (now husband) for a little over a year when we got pregnant in 2014. We had a handsome baby boy in 2015 at 36 weeks after 3 days of labor. In 2016, I found out we were expecting again!
Our baby girl came in May of 2017 where we found ourselves navigating something we never thought we would. At 5 months old, our little was airlifted twice and spent 10 days at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. We were discharged a few days before Christmas and sent home with a diagnosis of craniosynostosis. She was born without soft spots and would need Skull surgery. We navigated through that time and became so strong. She had surgery just two months before my then boyfriend and I got married!
We knew we wanted to expand our family, but after 4 years we stopped trying. I needed a mental break from the disappointment of negative tests. In 2023 I found out we were expecting! Shortly after I discovered I had shingles and the doctors ensured me baby was fine and healthy. In February of 2023 I had a miscarriage in a Walmart bathroom. The most devastating thing I had ever felt. The guilt of what had happened flooded me for a week. I took 3 days off of work, cried, questioned God, broke my faith, built my faith, and regrouped. For awhile after I simply functioned. I was a shell of a person trying to figure out how to navigate after a loss.
I told my husband I didnt have the strength to try again and mentally track and plan and test. So we just left it at that, but suddenly God took over and we found out we were pregnant August of 2023. I refused to share any news until we saw an ultrasound, and even then I waited for the shoe to drop. The difference in this pregnancy is that I felt so sick, so I thought maybe that was a sign that this baby would stay with us. In April of 2024, we had our rainbow baby! A baby girl who came in after the storm of our grief. My husband said this would be our last, but my heart knew I wasn’t done. I couldn’t bare the thought of never experiencing another child.
January of 2026 I finally decided to take a test after missing a cycle. Sure enough, PREGNANT! We told parents and grandparents, but asked them not to share. Once again after a loss, we just felt we couldn’t be too excited. 2 weeks later I was spotting and it was a like deja vu. Everything I experienced with the first miscarriage I was experiencing again. My biggest fear happened and we lost our baby. This time the guilt didn’t hold so strong and instead I questioned my body. Why did you fail me? What am I doing wrong? How could I successfully carry 2 pregnancies, fail, have a successful pregnancy and then fail again? I think I blamed myself and my body more the second time because it no longer felt like a fluke, but more like this is my reality now. Something is wrong with me and my body and I am failing. Although my brain knows that is not true, my heart wasnt listening.
But beyond all of that, the truly hardest part was telling my kids we had lost a second baby. And as I told them how sorry I was, my 10 year old, who was sobbing, rubbed my tummy and said “it’s not your fault mom, it’s not God’s fault, it’s no one’s fault, but I’m still sad and I’m sorry for your loss” all while my 8 year old is wiping my tears, while she is also sobbing, and then she says “we know it’s not your fault mom, we are here for you. The baby is in heaven with the rest of our family in heaven.” That moment was so raw, real, heartbreaking yet heartwarming all at the same time. And now, I try really hard now to speak of my losses, not just the sad gentle points but the raw truths of a miscarriage. I remember feeling so guilty and so low for the raw things that happen during miscarriage that I didn’t understand and that wasn’t talked about. My goal is to be open and honest and someone’s support person if they need it!
Something very supportive came over me once I slipped the skirt on. I felt this connection to all the other mommas, even the future ones, because this skirt represents the support of one another. This skirt shows we are not alone and will continue to make our babies known. We will celebrate and we may have our rainbow, pray for a rainbow to come, or watch rainbows for others….but we won’t be silenced and we will be supported.
Photos taken by Prairie Feather Photography.
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