FIRST BABY 2024
When my husband and I decided to try for a baby for the very first time I assumed we would get pregnant right away. I was young and healthy. My mother had told me she had gotten pregnant with me the very first time she had tried, and she had been 35 at the time which was 8 years older than I was.
During the first four months of trying, I was very determined to do everything I could do get pregnant as quickly as possible. I cut out caffeine, avoided foods that were not recommended during pregnancy, took my prenatal vitamins, and tracked my cycle in detail including cervical mucus. We attempted to conceive as frequently as we could during the fertile window of each month, I used ovulation strips, I went to an acupuncturist and massage therapist and changed my facial and hair products to more natural ones. I listened to pregnancy podcasts daily, drank filtered water instead of tap, and even drank “fertilitea” purchased from Amazon.
After four intense months of trying, I started to feel exhausted. The process felt forced and laborious. I decided to scale back and only focus on tracking cervical mucus and taking prenatal vitamins.
By the seventh month of trying, I started getting frustrated and worried that something was wrong. I asked my doctor to put in a referral to the local fertility clinic since I heard it could take many months before getting an appointment. I then returned to obsessively trying as many strategies as I could to boost my fertility in hopes of increasing my chances of getting pregnant.
By the ninth month of trying, I decided to scale back again and find a more sustainable approach. This was when we finally conceived and got our first positive pregnancy test on August 22nd. I shared the news immediately with my husband and then with some close friends and our parents. It felt surreal to get the news we had been waiting for.
I had read online that miscarriage rates are highest during the first weeks of pregnancy and that the risk of miscarriage decreases with every passing week. During my fifth week of pregnancy, I was scrolling on social media and an influencer I followed shared that her baby had no heartbeat during the first ultrasound. I texted my husband immediately after seeing this to let him know that not everyone receives good news during their first ultrasound. I think knowing what could potentially go wrong oddly made me feel like I could “better” prepare myself if we were to receive bad news like that. I wanted this pregnancy to work out so badly. I was very cautious with my eating habits. I went back to cutting out caffeine and I avoided lifting heavy objects.
On my 28th birthday I saw a double rainbow in the sky. Our baby was 5 weeks and 5 days old that day. I felt like it was a sign that the pregnancy was going to work out.
The next month, my husband and I, along with a few other friends, travelled out of province for a dance event. The plane ride was smooth with no complications. The next day on Friday September 13th, I was at the event. I went to the bathroom and surprisingly found some blood in my underwear. I immediately was worried and told my husband “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” I messaged a few friends who shared that bleeding during the first trimester can be quite common and not necessarily an indication of a miscarriage. I was hoping this was the case, but I had a gut feeling it was not. At the time I was not in any pain, so I decided to wait till the next morning to book an appointment for Monday with my family doctor as we would be back home on Sunday. I ended up buying a small package of panty liners at the pharmacy (I hadn’t packed any pads for the trip since I was pregnant) because I was hopeful that the bleeding would be gone by tomorrow. That night I had a rough sleep.
The next morning, I called and found out my doctor had no appointment availability on Monday. The receptionist advised me to go to the hospital if the bleeding worsened and if I had any cramping. I was still pain free, and the bleeding seemed to have improved so I thought that perhaps everything was okay. Later in the afternoon though I started to experience cramping. I ran to the bathroom and found that the bleeding had worsened. I asked my husband to immediately take me to the hospital. I told the triage nurse when we arrived that I was bleeding and suspected I was having a miscarriage. The nurse asked me what size of pads I was using, and I said the panty liners (because that’s all I had on hand). She responded by saying: “So you’re not bleeding.” Her harsh tone sounded like she wasn’t believing me. I showed her photos I had on my phone where the blood had soaked through the pads. I was then sent to another room for some bloodwork. The cramping started to intensify when I was seen by a Resident. They completed an abdominal ultrasound, and I got to see my little embryo on the screen. I was surprised to see my baby because I felt like I was indeed experiencing a miscarriage. The doctor told me the baby was too small for them to see enough details on the abdominal ultrasound so they wanted me to come back the next morning for a transvaginal ultrasound. We were discharged from the hospital to get some rest. On the car ride to our accommodations, the cramping started to become unbearable. We had no Tylenol so my husband ran to a pharmacy. After taking the Tylenol the pain started to dissipate, and I was able to sleep for a couple hours.
I woke up at 1:30 AM on Sunday September 15th. I would have been exactly 8 weeks pregnant. I went to the bathroom to change my pad and found a very large bloody clot, what I assumed was the fetal tissue, in my pad. It looked like the size and shape of what I had seen during the ultrasound yesterday. I cried uncontrollably and knew the pregnancy was over. After a very rough sleep my husband and I went back to the hospital to receive news I already knew. The transvaginal ultrasound was completed. My body reacted to it with painful cramps. The tech asked me “How did you know that you were pregnant?” after the ultrasound was completed. It felt like a weird question to be asked. The doctor then confirmed there was no evidence of a pregnancy based on the transvaginal ultrasound from today. The doctor was empathetic and mentioned she had been through a miscarriage herself. She told me that I was young and that I would likely go on to have a successful pregnancy and because they had found no materials retained from the pregnancy in my uterus, I would be able to try for a pregnancy right after the miscarriage bleeding stopped. She told me I would just have to confirm that my HCG levels had returned back to normal.
I took a week off work for bereavement leave. I really needed that time off. I spent the time grieving and obsessively collecting information about miscarriages and the causes of same. I was shocked to find out that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I reached out to other women and some disclosed they too had experienced a miscarriage and some even multiple. I was confused why I had never heard about their experiences before. Some people I shared my story with were sympathetic however others provided unhelpful and even hurtful comments such as “At least you were able to get pregnant.” I was also blamed a few times for causing the miscarriage myself. The blame was only directed at me, not my husband. I spoke with my family doctor who reassured me that that there was very likely nothing I could have done differently to prevent what had happened. She told me that most early miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities and that there was likely nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening.
I went back to work on September 23. I felt angry because my internal world felt so upside down, yet the external world kept operating just as normal as before. People would ask me “How are you today?” and I would always lie and smile saying I was doing “well” when I really wasn’t. It was exhausting pretending, but I felt like I had to. I heard other healthcare workers talking about their children and the difficulties with raising them. I was envious that they had living children. I would see a parent with their toddler and wonder what my child would have been like at their age. At times seeing pregnant women and hearing them talk about their pregnancies was bearable and other times it was not and I had to leave the room.
I wanted to try for another baby so badly, it was all I could think about. I knew that I had the highest chance of conceiving within the first 3 months after a miscarriage, but I was so scared. What if I had another miscarriage? I was not sure I could survive the emotional pain again. I asked my medical providers if I could get investigations completed for the potential cause of my first miscarriage. My family doctor said investigations for miscarriages are not completed until you have had three consecutive miscarriages. It felt unjust and cruel to wait for someone to go through multiple miscarriages before trying to find some answers. I made an appointment with my gynecologist and she was kind enough to order some bloodwork and give me a requisition for a hysterosalpingogram. I wanted more investigations done (ex. to rule out Antiphospholipid syndrome) but at least some information was better than none.
SECOND BABY 2024-2025
As soon as my miscarriage bleeding stopped and I was in my fertile window, we tried again for another baby. Although I was scared, the thought of not trying again scared me even more. I completed a pregnancy test when I could, and it was negative. The negative result was even more disappointing this time around after having experienced a miscarriage. We kept trying however and on Monday November 11th I took another pregnancy test after having significant symptoms of reflux, nausea, and an upset stomach. When I saw the positive result, I cried tears of joy. My husband and I were so happy and surprised to get a positive result so quickly this time. It was such a wonderful moment, but my happiness quickly turned into anxiety because I remembered two days prior I had some brown spotting and in the evening I had some light bleeding. I called my doctor’s office to make an appointment for the next day.
The following day I still had some light bleeding. While walking to my appointment I saw a rainbow hanging in a stranger’s vehicle through their front window. I was hoping it was a sign of reassurance that everything would be okay. When I saw my doctor, she happily confirmed I was pregnant. I had a hard time celebrating the news because I told her that I was experiencing some bleeding. She mentioned that some women have bleeding in the first trimester and still go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I was given a requisition for bloodwork to check my HCG levels. I went right away. My first HCG levels were very high for being only 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I was so scared I was having a molar pregnancy. I called my OB/GYN’s office and they booked me for a 6 week dating ultrasound on November 29th given I was experiencing some bleeding.
I had three more days of light bleeding and two random days of spotting. Any sign of blood made me so anxious, worried, and scared. I kept checking my underwear obsessively. I got my HCG levels taken again and the values were still extremely high. The thought of waiting till November 29th for my dating ultrasound, although only a few weeks away, felt unbearable. When I slept, I had night sweats and nightmares that something was wrong. I was scared every time I went to bed to wake up to pain the next day if I had another miscarriage or another pregnancy complication. I felt doomed to have another miscarriage. I also felt like I couldn’t fully trust my healthcare providers so I kept researching to see if there was anything I could do in the meantime to prevent another miscarriage from happening. I contacted the Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic to see if I could get an ultrasound completed sooner than 6 weeks, but they never responded. I called my OB/GYN’s office and they explained that 6 weeks was the earliest that an ultrasound could be completed in order to reveal adequate information. I felt so powerless waiting and not being able to do anything in the meantime.
On November 21st I woke up in the middle of the night feeling pressure on my bladder. I tried to pee but I could barely squeeze out a few drops despite significant effort. My bladder still felt so full. I phoned the Healthline and they suggested that I could go to the hospital to get it checked out since I shouldn’t have a full bladder that cannot empty for longer than 4 hours. I was worried something was wrong or that maybe I had a UTI. They tested my urine at the hospital, and I was negative for a UTI. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound. He said there was a gestational sac in the uterus which meant there was no ectopic pregnancy. He also mentioned my uterus looked larger than normal for how far along I was into the pregnancy which may have contributed to the pressure on my bladder. I asked him if he could rule out a molar pregnancy or pregnancy with multiples and he said it was too early to tell.
The next day I found some more blood in my underwear while I was at work. I had helped a nurse move a patient up in bed prior to that and was worried that I had caused the bleeding from moving the patient. Luckily this was the last day I would have any bleeding for this pregnancy.
Six days later, it was the night before our first ultrasound. I experienced significant feelings of dread. I felt like I would be getting bad news during the ultrasound. Perhaps they would confirm that I had a molar pregnancy. I had even looked up online what that would look like on an ultrasound. Or maybe they would find something else wrong with the baby. I felt like so many people were being optimistic for me and the baby but what if they were all wrong and what if the baby wasn’t going to make it given the bleeding and spotting as well as the abnormally high HCG levels? I went to bed with tears flowing down my cheeks.
It was the day of our first ultrasound. When we were there, I told the tech I was 6 weeks pregnant and had been experiencing some bleeding. The tech said we may not see much given it was so early in the pregnancy. She then put the transducer on my belly and immediately said “Oh wow you are definitely further along!” She mentioned there was a heartbeat. My dread started to turn into excitement and relief. She said it looked like I was 9 weeks along instead of 6. She then turned the screen to show me and my husband our little baby with its hands waving so rapidly (a funny sight as if to say “Hello mom and dad”) and their little heart beating. Seeing the movements that we missed with our first baby brought tears to our eyes. My husband and I decided to celebrate the great news after with a meal out. On our way to the restaurant, we saw a rainbow in the sky. I really felt like this really was a sign from the universe that things were going to be okay. It reminded me of the rainbow I saw in the car on the way to my doctor’s appointment and the double rainbow in the sky on my birthday. I started to really feel hopeful for the first time.
Despite the ultrasound results indicating a healthy baby with a heartbeat and the pregnancy being further along than expected, as well as having no more bleeding since November 22nd, I was still nervous about having a miscarriage. I decided to sign up for an annual yoga membership to help with my anxiety.
My OB/GYN found a strong heartbeat with the doppler during my 12-week appointment and she said everything looked good with the pregnancy so far. Then my 20-week anatomy scan brought more good news that baby was right on track for their growth and there were no anatomical abnormalities identified.
The intensity and frequency of my worries has certainly decreased over time as the amount of reassuring news has increased, however I still have moments where I am concerned about my baby’s safety as I reach the end of this second pregnancy.
MY HOPE
While initially trying to get pregnant the first time, navigating my grief after my miscarriage, deciding whether and when to try again for another pregnancy, and experiencing pregnancy after loss, I had many moments where I felt isolated and misunderstood by my community in terms of the struggles I was facing. My hope for the present is that my story can help others feel a little less alone in their journeys and for people to know that these experiences are hard and they shouldn’t be expected to go through this alone. I would be so happy to connect with anyone who wanted to reach out to me if it would help to speak with someone who has been through a similar experience. And for the future I hope that the topics of fertility, infertility, and miscarriage can be openly and easily discussed in a safe and supportive space.
Here’s to forever remembering and never forgetting our baby Luna. You are in the moon that shines every night, the rainbows that show up in the sky, and in the hearts of mom, dad, and your sibling. We all love you so much.
Photos taken by AGE Photo.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Make sure to follow Journey For Jasmine on Instagram, Facebook, and Tik-Tok!