Hello my name is Amber and as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother. It’s the only thing that ever sounded right and fitting for me. But getting pregnant never came easy. At 14 I was diagnosed with PCOS and told I may never have children. This ate away at me for years.
Over the years though I have become pregnant even when not trying. Unfortunately they ended with miscarriage and I began really accepting I’d never be a mother. I had my first miscarriage at 17 but didn’t share with anyone out of fear of judgement. So I was alone in the feelings.
In 2019 I found out I was 12 weeks pregnant and was over the moon but cautious. But still I wanted to share the excitement and announced to family very early at 13 weeks. By 14 weeks I was having a miscarriage. We named our baby Payton Avery. Every year in May I write them a poem and my family all talk about them.
In October 2023 after 4 years of trying I found out I was pregnant after we stopped trying. But was already miscarrying by the time I found out. We didn’t name this baby as it was an already difficult time.
9 months later after losing almost 80lbs and starting to focus on my mental health, I became pregnant again! I was about 5 weeks when I found out. Of course all the fears came flooding in. I kept it a secret from family for weeks so I didn’t have to share heartbreak if worst happened. 1 week after the positive test I became getting sick all day, every day. I couldn’t keep even water down. For the next several months I still suffered with the fear of what if and if I’d lose this baby. But pushed on, sick and all.
At 12 weeks we found out we were expecting a little boy and began picking the perfect name, gathering things for the nursery and preparing out lives for change. After 15 weeks the fears started to lessen as that’s the furthest I had been pregnant!
At 37 weeks I was induced and gave birth to a beautiful curly headed boy who we named Theodore. It felt like such a strong name to us for our strong baby. Even though I was sick every single moment of pregnancy, it was all worth it finally holding him! I was in labor a little over 24 hours, active labor for 12 and pushed for 1 hour! But in that hour I passed out after every push. Making it difficult and scared the care team. The decision was made to wheel me to or. But before they could really move to prep, our boy came Earth side!
I want others to know that even though loss feels lonely, you’re never alone. And after every storm is a rainbow. And I’ve seen mine!
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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