1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
It was a little shy from a year of trying to conceive when we finally became pregnant with our first, after our miscarriage we had talked about fertility treatments and so we went and both had lab work done where my husband was told that he could possibly have a pituitary adenoma. So at that time we had put starting a family on the back burner and started focusing on what the next steps were with this new diagnosis. During that time is when we became pregnant with our hopefully rainbow baby. We were shocked because we weren’t focused on that but we are so excited to be welcoming a baby boy in December.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
My first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage I was sick those very few short weeks and I remember being tired all the time. With this second pregnancy we have had many potential concerns but as of this week we are halfway through and measuring along just fine. We see the high risk OB hopefully one more time and if everything is fine we will be discharged from high risk care!!!
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
There were many possibilities but nothing confirmed as to why we had a miscarriage.
4. How far along were you?
We were about 6 weeks when I started bleeding and had confirmed we were having a miscarriage but it was about a week later when I actually passed the baby.
5. What are your babies names?
I never knew if my baby was a boy or a girl but my husband and I called them our little poppy seed, so they are forever our poppy seed.
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
I don’t remember much other than feeling some pain and then a rush of blood, we had been seeing a midwife and my husband called and asked if that was normal and the midwife said in my last labs my HCG had went up not gone down therefore it would probably be best to go to the emergency room incase they had to do a DnC or something else was wrong.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
I did not spend any time with my baby as I feel I passed them while in the bathroom and I regrettably flushed the toilet not knowing what else to do. I do have a ring that a friend bought for me afterwards that’s shaped as a poppy seed and I wear it every day to remind me of our first baby and cherish every second with our baby growing inside me now.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
We were seeing a midwife at the time and he could not have been any better, the clinic gave support and comfort in more ways than just physical pain but mentally helped me and husband through as well.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
My husband, mom, and friends were beyond what I could have imagined, I went through many changes, mentally, physically, and even career wise. There was a lot going on but ultimately my husband was the strength that pulled me through and continues to pull me through and he never gets enough credit for how much he has done and continues to do for me and our growing family.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
I had many emotions, lots of anger, I didn’t understand why, still don’t quite understand why, and I may never. Mentally I had some really hard days. I struggled with anxiety and depression. Most days I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the bed for days at a time, or just move from the bed to the couch back to the bed. The only thing that consumed me is the guilt of how my body failed this tiny growing being.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
I’m not sure I ever had that moment when we were ready to try again, as soon as my bleeding stopped, that’s the only thing I could focus on that didn’t make me think about what we had just gone through. I put everything into trying again month after month. That’s all I could focus on and talk about.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
Very emotional and hard, some days I struggle to just get through the day, for the first half of the pregnancy I struggled to convince myself I was really pregnant, scared of what the heartbreak would be again. I was scared, terrified, and still have days where my anxiety gets so bad thinking about all the good and bad possibilities that it becomes overwhelming. There were a few times I started having some bleeding and completely shut down and panicked because that’s all I could think is this is happening again.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
This year some of my friends put together a self care basket and had some cupcakes to celebrate what would have been their birthday, I know in the coming years I want to do something to keep their memory. I just haven’t decided what exactly I want to do yet.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
If you’ve been through loss multiple times or just went through one loss, it’s never easy. No matter how many weeks you carried your baby the loss is still something that alters you. You never look at pregnancy tests the same, your next pregnancy alone every twitch and pain causes anxiety. The ultrasounds and Drs appointments aren’t fun and exciting, they’re terrifying that at each one you’re going to hear the same words again. “We’re so sorry for your loss”. I wish the topic of miscarriage wasn’t as taboo as people make it out to be. I want to talk about my baby and not get the looks from people that I do, I want people to recognize them and know that even if it was for a short time that I still carried that baby with nothing but love and hope for who he or she would have been in this life. As much as I never wish I would have to experience this, if sharing my story was to help even just one person know they aren’t alone in this, then it helps me knowing there was a greater purpose for all this pain.
Photos taken by Javiel Gonzalez.
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