My name is Savanna. I’m a 21 year old preschool aide from Wyoming. My husband and I got married in June 2023 and said we wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids. We’ve both always wanted children, and I wanted to be a mother as soon as possible. We decided to start trying after our first anniversary, as we heard it can take a while. Imagine our shock when we got that positive pregnancy test only one month later!
I was so happy, but something felt off. I didn’t want anyone to know we were pregnant, as I wanted to wait to make sure the baby was okay first. I was three weeks and five days along when we got the positive test, and we had a grueling five weeks to wait until that first appointment. Every day I felt terribly nervous, and I couldn’t find it in myself to be excited. See, when I was eight my mother gave birth to my stillborn little brother, and ever since then I’ve been terrified that I would lose a baby, too. Suffering from anxiety and OCD didn’t make it any easier – I cried every night, praying my baby was healthy.
To ease my fears, I decided to get a blood test and confirm my HCG levels were rising. The first test at four weeks confirmed I was pregnant, with an HCG level of 17. My husband, Jadon, said that I should try to relax with that number, but I couldn’t. At the next test, three days later, my levels were only 28. I immediately knew that meant I would lose my baby. I called my OB and let them know, and they ordered another test to be sure. So, two days after the second, I had a third that showed my levels to be 34. They were rising! Not as much as I wanted, but they were. I tried to tell myself it was a good thing. Maybe my beloved baby would be okay! But it was soon after that I began to spot, and have painful cramps.
Jadon and I went to the ER, where they took my blood and did an ultrasound. I could tell from the ultrasound tech’s silence that there was no baby there. The doctor confirmed my miscarriage at five weeks and four days pregnant. We were devastated. My anxiety and OCD told me it was my fault, and that I would never have a baby again. My mother held me as I cried, and she told me she knew how I felt.
We found out about the pregnancy on August 20th, 2024, and we found out about our baby passing on September 2nd. We only knew them in August, so that was their name. August Baby. Having nothing to bury, we still wanted some sort of closure, so we filled a glass container with the pregnancy tests and a onesie with their name on it, and buried it somewhere beautiful.
We decided to start trying again as soon as we could, and only one cycle later we had another positive. I was immediately terrified. The loss of our August Baby was so fresh, the wound still wide open. But I knew having a baby would be healing for us. I was a mess on that mark of five weeks and four days, but it came and went and my baby was still with me. I cried when I heard his heartbeat for the first time, and thanked my angels in heaven that he had one. We’ve made a few ER trips this pregnancy to ease my fears, and every time I expect that terrible news again, but every time we’ve made it.
Our son is due June 2025, one month after his sibling was supposed to be here. This pregnancy has filled me with a lot of fear, of pain, of guilt. I wish I still had my August Baby, but I am so grateful for my son, too. I still cry for my firstborn, and I know I always will. I find myself jealous of mothers who never had any fears during their pregnancies, who never had any doubts that their child would arrive safely in their arms. Pregnancy after loss is terrifying and draining, but now, as I feel my son kicking me, I know I am blessed to be his and my angel baby’s.
I am hopeful for our future, and know the Lord has my family in His hands.
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