1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
Scylla was actually a surprise baby! My husband and I weren’t married yet, just engaged, but when we found out about her we decided to push the wedding date up to the end of my 1st trimester.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
My pregnancy was a textbook pregnancy according to my Drs. I do feel like at times my concerns weren’t totally heard but most of them were normal besides having a slightly high amount of amniotic fluid which they weren’t concerned about. After the 1st trimester nausea and fatigue my symptoms were normal, crazy heartburn, lots of swelling in my hands and mainly feet/ankles, awful carpal tunnel, etc. She was always measuring great and had a strong heartbeat, it wasn’t until after I delivered her with a low weight of 4lbs 13.4 oz they said they always knew she was small, which was a blatant lie because they never said that to me, they always said she was measuring great.
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
When I had Scylla and the placenta came out they saw I had Velamentous Cord Insertion. Ive heard it’s hard to pick up on an ultrasound, which when you only get 4 or less your whole pregnancy and they probably arent looking for complications because you aren’t complaining about anything, it’s no wonder it was missed. I’ve always felt like all pregnancies should be monitored as if they are high risk or at least better than what the standards are now.
4. How far along were you?
I was 36 weeks with her. I had noticed one evening that I hadn’t felt her like I normally did, but she was moving a little so I just figured she was tired. I had my 36 week ultrasound the next day so I tried to brush it off and told myself I’d see her moving around tomorrow. Something I will always beat myself up for, I never felt the need to count kicks because of how active she was and my Dr never mentioned it, another thing I wish I could go back in time for.
5. What are your babies names?
Scylla Virginia Hilliard stillborn on June 10, 2022
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
I was induced the day after we were told she had no heartbeat. We were able to go home and start telling everyone what had happened and prepare for the next day. As you can imagine it was agonizing, it still takes my breath away to this day to think about everything we went through. I was able to have her vaginally, I opted for the epidural at around 6cm dilated due to simply being scared but I don’t think it really worked as the pain was almost unbearable. I originally wanted a natural birth but decided since she was already gone why put myself through even more?
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
She was born at 7:59pm on the 10th and we were able to keep her in our room in the Cuddle Cot until the next day around maybe 5pm. We could have stayed longer, and to this day I still wish I did, but everyone decided it was time after we figured out the funeral home and cremation options. We were able to get her baptized in the hospital and throughout the 3 days we were there we had lots of friends and family show up for us. That particular hospital was partnered with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep so we got photos of us taken with her and they also partnered with Rachel’s Gift who supplied her beautiful gown and memory box. I was able to get prints of her hands and feet and a lock of her hair, but of course it will never be enough.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
The nurses were so compassionate. They took their time explaining how things were going to happen, they all wrote a message to us in a card, they were just great. I could probably spend days talking about the entire experience but it’s all overwhelming to try and remember every detail.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
My family was and still is there for me. It was a little overwhelming to be honest. We had about 2 weeks of meals made for us, lots of flowers and gifts for her viewing, donations to cover her entire cremation and viewing process. I’m so thankful for everyone who helped us.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
I was angry, depressed, felt alone (even though I wasn’t physically), I felt lost and like a failure, I felt like it was all my fault that she died because that was my sole responsibility, to sustain her life. I felt like I was a walking coffin. Some of my family wanted to send me somewhere to get help because of how bad the first couple months were.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
I still to this day don’t feel completely ready, even though I am pregnant, but I figured that feeling will never go away for me. We talked about trying on and off for a about a year until we started really trying in November of last year and boom it took one cycle, just like with Scylla, and here we are, almost ready to welcome our second baby girl.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
This pregnancy has been filled with complex emotions. I am so happy to be carrying my second daughter, to feel her move around, but it’s all so bittersweet. I wish Scylla was here, I wonder what life would look like, what she would be like. Its painful some days having all these thoughts, but I’m staying as positive as possible. I am high risk so I’m being closely monitored and everything is looking great so far and I will be induced at 37 weeks. I just still have doubts of being able to bring her home due to the trauma we experienced with Scylla.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
There isn’t really anything special we do to remember her. Cows are a big thing that make me think of her since her baby shower was cow themed. We do talk about her all the time and have lots of keepsakes and areas in our home dedicated to her though. Her past two birthdays I shut down and have done nothing, but this year (her third birthday, and when this is posted her birthday will have already passed) I plan to at least buy a cupcake or something a give her the birthday she deserves since we intend on including and talking about her with Elizabeth, our soon to be second born.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
You are not alone, when all this began with me I dove head first into the loss mom community. Im not as involved and active as I used to be, I have a whole page dedicated to Scylla (@ScyllasDancingInTheSky) but I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone, I needed to see that other people have gone through this as well (even though I wish none of us knew this pain). Never stop talking about your baby, they are still important and talking about them helps.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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Listen to the Finding Hope After Loss Podcast!