My husband Jared and I found out by accident we were pregnant in 2022, it was the craziest surprise since we weren’t specifically family planning at the time, but had left the possibility of kids open after our first year of marriage.
As any excited first time parents do, we immediately started sharing the news with family and a few close friends. It was a good thing too because it was a hard pregnancy and having the support of my family was coveted. I was extremely sick, couldn’t keep water or food down and was very dehydrated. I continued to work and go in for weekly IV’s to keep me hydrated as we counted down the days until we could go in for our first ultrasound and see our little baby.
At 10 weeks we went in for our ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and get our first look, we were heartbroken to be told our baby was measuring at 8 weeks and there was no heartbeat to be found, hurt and confused we walked from the room and drove home. The anger, pain, and confusion that followed felt like it would consume me. I was mad at God because I had been praying for this baby to stay healthy, I was mad at my body for holding death inside for weeks when I thought there was life, I was mad at myself because I thought it was something I did and I had failed to grow our tiny human. I had to hold that empty life in me for weeks to follow before my body let go, it was horrible.
Nobody talks about loss so nobody knows how to support you, hurtful things with good intentions get said to you, you don’t know what to expect or how to prepare other than googling “what to do if I miscarry…” Thankfully we were blessed with a wonderful midwife who helped us through our questions and also offered us the option to test fetal tissue which is how we later found out that the cause of our miscarriage was Trisomy 13 and the gender was a little girl. These two pieces of information meant the world to us. I had an answer that quieted the feelings that it was my fault, and we were lucky enough to find out the gender so early and give our girl a name.
Millie Anna Zambrana, we celebrate her birthday each year on her due date April 6th
There was no right time to start trying again, there is no promise that the next baby gets to stay and be your rainbow, and no baby will ever replace her. For two years we struggled to get pregnant again, which came with its own frustrations, But in June of 2025 we are expecting to welcome our little boy. Each moment of this pregnancy has come with fear that we could lose him mixed with the excitement that shortly we will also get to hold him. Through all the emotions I think it is important to remember that it’s okay to feel grief and joy together and you are not alone in your journey.
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