Katrina M's Story

Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?

We started trying in 2017 after getting married. No luck naturally. We started seeing specialists and getting tests done in 2021. I have PCOS and my left fallopian tube is blocked and my husbands sperm is low morphology and motility, having a 50% percent chance of even penetrating an egg. We did 3 rounds of IUI first before insurance would cover IVF. All three failed. We started the IVF process January of 2022. Our first transfer was May of that year, which was successful, we saw our lil baby bean at our 6 week ultrasound, heart fluttering and all. But at our 8 week ultrasound, baby was nowhere to be found, just loose steaks of tissue in my womb.

What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?

I was just starting to feel the tender breasts and fatigue, not so much morning sickness yet.

Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?

Not really, fertility doctors were surprised as well, We had the most healthy, viable embryo out of the 3, with excellent grading. All they could say is that loss can still happen, regardless of the ideal factors. They said my body probably assumed baby was a blood clot that needed to be cleared. So they planned that for the next transfer, when ready, they would add an additional shot of blood thinners to the regime.

How far along were you?

Somewhere between 6-8 weeks

What are your babies names?

We had a joke that even though I was so early on, I had a “sugar belly” (gained a few pounds from all the IVF meds I was on). So for short we nick named baby “Suga B.”

What was the birthing/loss experience like?

It was excruciating, we had been trying for 5 years at that point and to finally have it happen for us and then taken away so quickly, it was devastating. I was in denial. Even though the doctor told me to stop my shots, I continued them for a few days, praying that he would come back, that they were wrong and that he was just tucked away deep in my wound. I was mad and confused, they told me to just wait it out at home to pass my baby. I carried the sac for three more weeks before it finally happened at home. It was the most worst pain that I have experienced in my life, emotionally, physically and mentally. I was mad at everyone, at God and ultimately myself and my body. I hated my body, how could it betray me like this? I began to question my existence, if i was even a woman? Was I not woman enough to do the one thing that women all over the world for centuries have done?

Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?

Only keepsakes was the embryo picture and the 6 week ultrasound. My coworkers gifted me a potted rose tree, which is where we buried it. It is our most precious keepsake, every time it blooms flowers, we know its our baby boy saying hi to us.

How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?

I was told to go back to my OB after I pass at home. It was devastating for them to do an ultrasound of my empty womb, which in fact still had residual tissue that needed to be extracted, so I was given pills to speed up the process. They gave me a note to take a LOA from work to heal and catch my bearings.

Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?

Yes, family and friends, especially those who knew we were doing IVF and shared the short lived good news with.

How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)

It took about year for me to really process, grieve and heal enough to be okay with moving forward with the second transfer and try again. I was scared of failure, of getting my hopes up again. I wanted to protect my heart, but my heart longed to try again.

How did you know you were ready to try again?

After taking a well needed 2 month vacation to the Philippines with family, I felt refreshed, motivated and hopeful to try again as soon as I returned home. Something about the Philippines and its healing waters because not only was our second transfer a success, but my sister that went on the trip with me got pregnant too right when we got home. Fast forward, our babies were born 5 days apart!

What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?

The beginning, I was a nervous wreck, even though it worked, I was still on guard, anxiety high, for anything bad to happen. All ultrasounds throughout the whole pregnancy (more than usual due to my high risk, older age and IVF case) I held my breath the whole time until I could see, feel, hear babies heart beat. Feeling her move was my only way of knowing that she was good in there. Overall, first trimester was all fatigue, and morning sickness, no appetite. And I was emotional wreck because our dog Charlie passed away. He stayed as long as he could, until I was safely out of my first trimester before leaving to Rainbow bridge. I was scared me being sad would make me lose the baby again. But over all, I enjoyed being pregnant, I didn’t have any major symptoms until the last month, when the heartburn and swelling hit really hard.

Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?

When ever I see Suga B.’s tree or flowers blooming around town, I know its him visiting and saying hello.

Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?

You are not alone. I see you, I feel you. Healing takes time and the grief doesn’t really go away. It will come in waves, there will be triggers weeks, months, years later. But you will learn to cope, look for the little signs that your angel babies will send you. Have faith, look forward to that rainbow and the blessing that will come at the end of it.

IG: @sd_katrina