I have always wanted to be a mother, I have always known something was wrong with me (all my ex’s have kids).
I tried for many years and knew that I would need IVF, my husband agreed to going through the cycle of IVF after many, many fails of IUI and other reproductive treatments. First cycle of IVF it happened just like that two pink lines, we were having a baby!!! Went in for my first ultrasound healthy little baby growing and oh you have twins… healthy little babies growing!!! We were over the moon happy, nervous but happy. We found out it was going to be a girl and a boy.. perfect.
All of a sudden I got a really bad gut feeling that something was wrong, I talked to my obgyn about how I feel like my son was sitting too low, my stomach bump was slightly separated in two I showed my doctor she told me I was a first time mom and overreacting, I told them I want to see a high risk doctor for a second opinion, I was told I’m not a high risk because I’ve never lost a baby and I’m a first time mom and overreacting (I was told this many times by the doctor).
I tried telling my doctor how work was making me run and exercise out of my comfort zone (I am military) she told me they can do that up until my last trimester, I told her I was exhausted and something felt wrong, I was told again you’re a first time mom and overreacting.
On the day it started I was driving to LA to pick up a friend. I almost got in a serious car accident but was able to avoid it and that’s when the slight cramping started… I called my doctor and she told me to go to the ER if I had any concerns and that I was a first time mom and overreacting.
I went to the ER (military hospital) they told me to go to labor and delivery. I went to labor and delivery and they told me I’m too early (17 weeks) and to go back to the ER, finally the ER agreed to see me, they did an ultrasound (everything was “normal”) they did a cervical check and I remember hearing someone say “I can’t find your cervix”….. what??
They discharged me anyways saying everything was “normal”… I called my doctor and asked for an appointment and that something didn’t feel right, she told me she would see me at my next scheduled appointment and if I feel like I really need to be seen I could see someone else in her clinic (military). I booked the first availability that day drove over and saw this unknown man, I told him all my concerns and how I feel being her patient, he did an ultrasound and told me they’re healthy and everything was “fine and normal”, I told him no they’re not I need you to verbatim “look under the hood” he reluctantly did a cervical check and there it was….
My son’s amniotic sac was bulging out of my cervix and his foot was out with it.. I was in labor!! They put me in a wheelchair and started taking me up to labor and delivery. On the way I saw my obgyn I asked her “am I a high risk now? Am I overreacting?”
I was told I would lose my son and my daughter that day and they won’t attempt to save either one, they have a social worker come in and see me before I got to see any type of specialist, the high risk doctor didn’t even come see me until after 24 hours and no progress of labor, the sac was still intact and the babies were still growing.
I laid in the labor and delivery ward for weeks, I got to 22 weeks and 6 days… every single day I begged for a cerclage, to have my bed tilted to prevent progress and to be sent somewhere else so someone can help me, I was told “we will look at the tomorrow”, tomorrow never came for action even as the days past by.
Finally his amniotic bag gave out, his cord had passed through my cervix despite him still being inside, the doctor came in and told me I needed to have him otherwise I could get sick, I refused so he told me my son had no heartbeat and that he was deceased and I needed to push… so I did, I pushed and he came.. he was still alive, he was still alive.. he moved and tried breathing on his own, the NICU staff took one look at him and said “nope, he’s too early” (he was 1 day to early.. 24 hours to early) and they left. He died in my husband’s hands gasping for air as we tried to keep him warm.
The doctor continued after he was born to try clean up and she pulled his cord as hard as she could to do a high litigation cut (basically try to let my daughter survive), she pulled too hard because she pulled not only my sons placenta my uterine wall but my daughter’s too. And left without saying a word, no one checked on my daughter with an ultrasound for over 12 hours, when the doctor came in for his shift in the morning he said sorry about last night let’s see what’s going on, he did an ultrasound and said “that sucks” there was no heartbeat. I gave birth to my daughter still, I remember them dropping her on the bed, I spent time with them and then went home that day.
I was so broken, so shattered and empty, I was in that hospital bed for weeks I couldn’t even walk when I got discharged and had to learn how to walk again on my own because no one cared. At my follow up 6 week appointment the doctor told me he could have, should have done the cerclage and if he had they probably would still have been here.. and was told I could try again.
I did try again, I tried again and again and again and again 5 additional miscarriages that’s 7 babies in heaven in total, I decided that I had to get care outside of the military, if I wanted that to change…
My rainbow will be three in February thanks to Dr Parks from San Diego fertility center and my high risk obgyn Wade from San Diego Perinatal that always listened.
The journey was hard, it was exhausting, it was heartbreaking but it was MY journey.
I am and will always be a mother to my angels Cayden and Ameliah, and my rainbow Aniyah.
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