My husband and I got married in August 2016. In summer of 2017, we began trying for a baby. We got a positive test in late September. We were overjoyed to begin a family. In November while lying on the couch I began feeling some super sharp cramps in my stomach. I got up to use the restroom only to find blood. I tried to stay positive but knew what was most likely happening. I called for my husband, and he comforted me the best he could. Throughout that night I continued to bleed and the next day a large clump of blood came out.
I called my doctor to schedule a follow-up appointment. I was able to get in later that day and it was confirmed that I had had an early miscarriage. They estimated I was about 9 weeks along. After being checked, my doctor found that most of it had passed naturally, but there was still some small particles left. They gave me the option of allowing the rest to pass on its own or to have a D&C. I opted for the D&C and the procedure was done right then and there. My husband and I were absolutely devastated but tried to remain positive and knew we would try again when we got the okay.
We were able to try again after a few months and in February 2018, we found out we were pregnant. We were once again so excited, but deep down I was scared. I was not sure if this one would make it. I tried to remain positive and tell myself that everything would be okay. Throughout my pregnancy, I had high blood pressure, and I was on the verge of having preeclampsia. Fortunately, I never actually ended up getting that. We found out that we were having a baby boy. We couldn’t wait to meet him.
At 38 weeks, my doctor recommended that we begin steps to help induce labor due to my age (I was 37) and high blood pressure. She did a membrane sweep in hopes to start having me dilate more. The following week I went in for another check up finding only minimal progress in dilation. She decided to do another membrane sweep. That night I began to feel some contractions and some pain in my lower back. Throughout the night, the pain in my back got worse and I began to feel more contractions. The next morning, I began timing my contractions. The pain in my back continued to worsen so I called my husband and we headed to the hospital. They sent me to triage, and my water broke on the table. We got admitted and welcomed our rainbow baby boy, Casen, on November 16, 2018.
We knew we wanted a sibling for Casen, so we began trying again in summer of 2020. That September, we got a positive test. We were so excited to expand our family. My pregnancy was great with no complications. It was during the pandemic, however, so unfortunately my husband was never allowed to go to any appointments with me. We found out we were expecting a baby girl. I was 40 at this time, so they scheduled me to be induced at 39 weeks and I was tested for COVID the week before my induction. Two nights before my scheduled appointment I was putting our son down for bed and I started to feel off. I focused on the movement inside my belly as I sat in his room only to realize that I wasn’t feeling much. My once very active unborn baby girl was no longer as active. I got my husband and told him something wasn’t right. He called my parents to come watch Casen and I called the hospital. They told me to come in immediately. All the way to the hospital I cried. My husband kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine, but my motherly instinct thought otherwise.
We arrived at the hospital and were sent to triage. The nurse came in to do the ultrasound and by the silence and look on her face, I knew something was wrong. She turned to us and said, “I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Those words will be forever engrained in me; words that no parent should ever hear. I squeezed my husband’s hand and we just cried. I kept asking myself, “Why? Why us? Why is this happening?” Our baby girl was gone. My husband and I spent a few minutes alone before we were sent up to labor and delivery.
The doctor returned and gave us the next steps. I would be induced and deliver my daughter. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. How was I going to deliver my baby knowing that I wouldn’t be taking her home? How were we going to tell our family and friends? How were we going to explain this to our son who was only 2 years old?
I was given Pitocin to begin labor and an epidural. Most of that night was a blur. I tried to sleep, but my mind was all over the place. My head ached and my eyes were swollen from all the tears. My husband had the daunting task of making phone calls to family to let them know. Labor began to progress, and our baby girl was born sleeping on June 3, 2021. This was the day before my scheduled induction and the day before my husband’s birthday. I was 38 weeks and 6 days. We named her Remi Nicole.
The nurse laid her on my chest, and I just held her, kissed her and told her how much I loved her. We were told that we could spend as much time with her as we needed, but to know that as time progresses, her body will begin to change. We were able to spend a good four hours with her. Taking turns holding her, kissing her and loving her. She was absolutely perfect, our perfect little angel. A photographer came in to take pictures and a lovely nurse gifted us a clay mold of her hands. Both things that we will cherish forever.
We knew when it was time to say goodbye to our daughter and we watched the doctor take her away. Saying hello and goodbye in the same day was the hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving the hospital later that night without our daughter was the absolute worst feeling. We had empty arms and empty hearts. Going home to a house full of stuff just for her, knowing that she will never use it. I won’t ever get to see her in all the cute clothes, I won’t get to watch her and her big brother grow up together. It was absolutely gut wrenching. We chose to have her cremated and placed in an urn so that she is always with us. The autopsy results came back finding that I had placenta insufficiency and her cord was hyper coiled. They believe she had passed somewhere between 24-36 hours prior to her delivery. We hold our Remi so close to our hearts and every time I see a butterfly I believe it is her letting me know she’s okay.
We wanted another baby so bad. A sibling earthside for Casen. I just wasn’t sure I could handle losing another baby. We decided to try again and I got a positive test in February 2022. At my first appointment the doctor found that the baby had stopped growing. I was about 8 weeks and ended up having another D&C. We once again suffered another loss of a baby and our hearts were shattered. In hopes of bringing a baby home in our arms, we tried again. For several months, we had no success and had repeated negative pregnancy tests. After about 9 months of trying, we decided to look at other options. We began the adoption application and went to the fertility clinic. We ended up scheduling for an IUI per the doctor’s recommendation. It was scheduled for the following month.
A week before my appointment, I realized my period was a little late. I decided to take a pregnancy test…it was positive! I called my husband to tell him, and we were excited, but scared. Were we finally going to bring home a baby in our arms? My pregnancy went great with no complications. I was highly monitored with visits to my OB as well as a high-risk OB.
At 35 weeks, I began non stress tests twice a week. Being so closely monitored was my saving grace through my pregnancy and every time I heard the heartbeat a weight was lifted up my shoulders. We found out we were having a baby boy. I was scheduled to be induced at 39 weeks. When we got to the hospital, we were sent straight up to labor and delivery where they began the induction process. I was given Pitocin and they did a membrane sweep. Early the next morning they broke my water and my contractions started shortly after.
At 2:22 pm on December 16, 2023, our healthy, crying baby boy was born. We named him Paxton. He was just perfect; our double rainbow baby sent to us from his big sister in heaven. The number 222 is an angel number; a number representing a sign from above; a sign that we are on the right path and that our sweet Remi is here with us. Paxton truly is a gift from Remi and we couldn’t be more blessed to have him join our family.
Pregnancy and life in general after loss is not for the faint of heart. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of many emotions. Sharing my story has allowed me to spread awareness and to share the love we have for our daughter. I love it when people aren’t scared to talk about her, celebrate her and honor her. She is and always will be our daughter and the sister to her two brothers. I am so thankful for the other loss mamas that I have connected with and for this community that has reminded me that I am not alone.
Photos taken by Jennifer Ingles Photography.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Make sure to follow Journey For Jasmine on Instagram and Facebook!
Pin and help spread the project!
