My husband and I have been married for 15 years and having a big family has been my dream! Having six children was always what I told my husband I hoped for. Prior to experiencing two back to back losses I gave birth to five healthy children (four handsome boys and one beautiful daughter) and then in April of this year we welcomed our double rainbow baby, another beautiful baby girl!
In August 2023 we found out we were expecting however in September 2023, during a family day at Santa’s Village I started to bleed and instantly got this feeling that something was not right. A couple days later it was confirmed I had a miscarriage around 6 weeks. We were devastated.
A few months later we found out we were expecting again. We were so excited but I couldn’t help but feel worried. In February 2024 we shared our news with our children, family and friends that we were expecting a baby boy. We thought this would be our last pregnancy (even though in my heart I knew I would always want another baby) and pregnancy went well. I was due at the end of August 2024 however going past my due date was normal for me. On Thursday, September 5th, 2024 I went for a routine appointment and it was mentioned that my amniotic fluid was a little low but baby looked good and heartbeat was good. We talked about scheduling me to be induced. Saturday, September 7th was my induction date however I started experiencing contractions during the early hours of September 6th so we made arrangements for my mother in law to come be with the kids and we headed to the hospital. We were so excited! Labor progressed very quickly and in route I knew we were not going to make it to the hospital. After pulling into a gas station so my husband could use the phone to call 911 I felt the urge to push. The cashier at the gas station, a complete stranger to me, helped deliver my baby just as an ambulance arrived. There was no cry and I heard her say he was not breathing. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I had just delivered my baby in a gas station parking lot in the passenger side of my husbands truck by a complete stranger and was now being told my baby is not breathing. I couldn’t hold my baby and he was immediately taken away by ambulance. I was taken in a separate ambulance and we were both rushed to the hospital. I was shaken and scared and the time I waited for an update on my baby felt like an eternity but I never expected to hear the words “I am sorry there is nothing else we can do.” September 6, 2024 was the very worst day of my life! Our baby had been covered in meconium and likely died from meconium aspiration syndrome. My husband and I looked at each other and immediately fell apart. Our hearts were shattered. I held my swaddled sleeping baby boy in my arms for many hours. We named him Amos Sayer Reed. I was so grateful for the absolute most amazing nurse that never left my side that day. She cried with me, she hugged me and she helped me prepare to tell our children. She kept my baby by her side until the funeral home could pick him up. And she continued to check on me for the days and months following the loss of our son. Meeting someone from a funeral home to make arrangements for our baby the day he was born was never something I thought my husband and I would ever have to do. Leaving the hospital that day felt like I was abandoning my baby. It was the absolute worst feeling in the world. Telling my children and seeing the sadness on their confused, sweet faces is something I will never forget.
Postpartum after loss was really hard. It was full of emotion, full of guilt, full of what ifs. Healing from labor and delivery with no baby to hold was not easy. I spent so much time crying and blaming myself. I would fight back tears when seeing other people announce their pregnancy news, the news of the arrival of their healthy baby or when I saw a baby on tv or in public. I never wanted my husband to leave my side yet I relied on the return of routine (which included him going back to work and me being busy with the kids) to help me from thinking about all of the what ifs which was resulting in me being pretty hard on myself. I couldn’t stop blaming myself and felt like I failed my baby. Finding all of the ways to keep my son’s memory alive and bringing awareness to pregnancy and infant loss became the best way to help me heal. I began to look for signs from him and found them in the pink and blue sunsets, the rainbows, the butterflies etc.
September 2025 I found out I was pregnant. One year after losing Amos. It felt like this baby was sent from him! We found out that I was due the end of April 2026. We told our kids on Christmas but kept our news a secret from family and friends until March 1st, which was the 1st day of pregnancy after loss awareness month. This pregnancy was so different than any of my other pregnancies. There was so much emotion, worry and fear especially as I got closer to the end of pregnancy. We decided not to find out the gender of this baby which helped hype up the excitement over the worry and fear. I was scheduled to be induced before my due date, due to what happened with Amos. On April 20th, 2026 I walked into the same birthing center that I had walked out of empty handed on September 6, 2024 and I was greeted by the same most incredible nurse that had been there on the worst day of my life and I broke into tears as she wrapped me up in her arms. She was there to be by my side again and it meant SO much! She was there from the moment they started my induction to the moment she actually delivered my baby without the doctor in the room. I remember hearing my baby cry and this incredible nurse telling me “It’s a girl!” I couldn’t imagine having gone through this experience without her!
As I watched the sunrise the morning my daughter was born I looked out the window to see a cardinal on the tree right outside my hospital room. I knew Amos was with us!
Jovie Estella was born on 4/21/26. Her name carefully chosen to symbolize the connection between her and her angel brother in heaven. Jovie meaning Joyful and Estella meaning star.
“The storm brought tears, the angel brought hope, the rainbow brought joy.” – Unknown
To be a part of this project is an honor!
Photos taken by NEK Photography.
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