Ashleigh T's Story

1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?

My husband and I were married for 3 years, together for 6 years, when we decided we would like to start a family. We always believed that if it was God’s will to give us a baby naturally, then that’s how we would begin our family. We never stressed about it, we just trusted the process and went from there. We have been fortunate enough to not have trouble getting pregnant. We’ve never used fertility or utilized any type of tracking to find our window of a prime time to get pregnant. We both come from very large families, so lots of pregnancies in our bloodlines. We used the same “process” for each of our pregnancies- just trusted that God would either provide us with a baby that I would birth or open a door for us to start a family in other ways.

2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?

My pregnancy with my son was really hard on me. It was my first pregnancy and I experienced a lot of nausea and daily morning sickness from week 6 all the way into labor. My son is now 7 years old.

My last pregnancy was also very difficult on my body. The nausea and morning sickness was off the charts. I knew around 4 weeks that I was pregnant because of the way my body felt. I was very sick and continually having complications.

3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?

When I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I found out that I was pregnant with twins but one of the twins had stopped growing at 7 weeks. The doctor’s called this “vanishing twin” and we were just going to monitor the healthy baby and go from there. Each ultrasound from 8-19 weeks showed that our deceased twin was still in the womb, but there were no other signs of concern. When I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant, it was discovered that our unhealthy baby had actually started to grow larger than our healthy baby. I was immediately referred to a specialist and within 3 days, the unhealthy baby was growing rapidly.

They diagnosed me and the babies with TRAP Sequence (Twin Reversed Arterial Perfusion). TRAP is a rare condition occurring in monochorionic twins. The twins share a placenta. One twin has a nonfunctional heart and undeveloped organs and receives blood flow from the other, “healthy” twin, who is developing normally. The healthy twin’s heart works double time to supply blood for both of the babies.

Two days later, I was sent to a specialist in Cincinnati to treat this condition. We had a day full of appointments beginning with an ultrasound at 7 AM. After this appointment, they canceled all of my other appointments and said we need immediate surgery, as our unhealthy baby had grown even larger and our healthy baby’s heart was at risk. The procedure they would perform was known as an RFA (Radiofrequency ablation). This would clamp the cord of our unalive baby and reroute the blood flow back to our healthy baby.

The thought of fetal surgery was terrifying, but if left untreated it would ultimately be deadly for our healthy baby and could cause major complications for myself and even possible death. The RFA was performed while I was awake. It was terrifying, but remarkable. Due to the placement of the placenta, the surgeons had to get creative and enter the womb through an atypical way. The surgery was deemed a success and our healthy baby was going strong. I was ordered to be on modified bedrest and at this time, I was around 21 weeks along.

Over the next 2 weeks, I would have a few scares and complications. At 23 weeks, my water broke and my specialists recommended that I live in the hospital until the baby was born. I was released to go home for a couple of days to pack my bags and get my affairs in order with my family and make sure my son was taken care of. It was gut-wrenching and so scary. By the 2nd night I was home, the night before I was going to check into my hospital stay, I started having contractions and rapidly went into active labor. Late that night, I delivered both of my babies.

4. How far along were you?

I was 23.5 weeks along.

5. What are your babies names?

Ansley Marie and Audrey Elizabeth. Ansley was our first one lost and Audrey was our presumed healthy baby, expected to survive.

6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?

Labor was traumatic. As I was being wheeled into the delivery room, so many medical professionals filled the room and I cried and cried and told my husband something really bad was about to happen. I knew deep in my heart that Audrey would not make it out alive. I have never cried so hard. On the ultrasound, her heart was still beating and healthy. She was still active on the ultrasound. I begged Jesus for a miracle. The doctors discovered that she was holding onto Ansley and wouldn’t let go. They could not separate them until after they were born. So, Audrey and Ansley were delivered together. When Audrey was born, she had a heartbeat and took a breath. The NICU worked on her for several minutes before calling my husband over to talk to him. We had agreed that if life saving attempts were made with no response, that we would let her go. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when he came back over to my bed to tell me she was gone. It was the worst moment of my life. Everything was incredibly traumatic.

7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?

We were able to snuggle Audrey for a while. We spent time with her in our room. Our hospital staff was truly amazing. They brought us all kinds of keepsakes, took pictures, and went above and beyond to preserve the memory of the babies. We were given a memory box among many other gifts. The hospital pastor even came to our room to dedicate our babies. One of my most favorite keepsakes we received from the hospital were two small teddy bears. Each bear weighed the same amount as our girls did- Ansley, a couple of ounces, and Audrey, 1 pound 8 ounces. I will forever treasure those bears.

8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?

We had the most amazing medical team. Everyone who worked with us, before, during, and after our loss was truly remarkable. We met some of the most amazing human beings. We are eternally grateful for all the amazing medical treatment and support we received.

9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?

We have a truly amazing support system. Our family, friends, and coworkers showered us with love and support. We received meals, donations to help our expenses, memorial gifts and so much more.

10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)

Mostly, I was just sad. I had a deep peace about my loss and knowing that my girls were in heaven and that I would see them one day. I spiraled into some anxiety/being scared about small things and I was a little confused from time to time. But I was so deeply sad. It’s a type of sadness I could never fully describe. I started therapy 2 weeks after my loss and that helped me process everything and that was the best decision I could’ve made for myself at the time.

11. How did you know you were ready to try again?

Honestly, we didn’t even discuss it. We agreed to put off the conversation until the start of the next year (we lost our girls in August). We weren’t even sure if we could have any more children and we’d already tossed around adoption. We didn’t talk about the future, though, after our loss. We just tried to survive one day at a time with our grief.

I hadn’t been feeling well for several weeks but I chalked it up to my depression, busyness, and returning to work after my loss. I had discussed birth control options with my doctor, but I was so traumatized that I wasn’t ready for any of that. I just wanted my body to return to “normal”.

After a while, I realized there was a possibility I could be pregnant. I took one test and had a faint positive. This was 4 months after my loss and I thought it was a false positive because of my HCG levels. I waited about a month and then went to the doctor. Which confirmed that I was already 9.5 weeks along with my rainbows.

12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?

When we found out we were pregnant, we were in disbelief. Then, to find out that it was TWINS again was even harder to believe. I haven’t always felt 100%, but this has been my healthiest and easiest pregnancy so far. The babies are so healthy. I have been so healthy. Emotionally, it has been a lot to process. I have joy and sorrow at the same time most days. I still cry for my babies I lost, at some point every day. And then I look at the ultrasounds, look in the mirror, or feel my rainbow babies moving around and I smile and am filled with joy and love. Some days, I feel guilty for rejoicing in this miracle pregnancy and other days I know that these babies were a new gift from God and that their big sisters are watching down on us and protecting them. We have had an outpouring of support and love thrown our way throughout this pregnancy. This pregnancy has had it’s ups and downs, but I am so excited and so thankful.

13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?

We include our Angel Babies in everything we do. We have two small green hearts, made of resin, that we take everywhere with us and hold them in family photos. We have candles with the girl’s names on them. We have a special place in our house for our memorial items. We openly talk about the babies with our son whenever he asks questions or references our previous pregnancy. We keep them alive in our hearts, all the time.

14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?

Cling to hope. One day, you will see your babies again. Know that they are safe and loved and they know you are their mommy. Therapy and rest and recovery were my best friends during the first part of my grieving process. Being sad is okay. Feeling every emotion under the sun is okay, too. Give yourself grace.

I am a Christian and my faith has carried me through everything. Even when I don’t see or feel it, I know the presence of Jesus is with me always and I know that God has a great plan for my family. Sometimes, it’s hard to cling to the cross, but I just keep clinging and looking forward to holding my babies again.