Journey through Loss
1.Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
My goal through parenthood was to space my children out by at least a year to allow my body to heal and strengthen but also to give that special time to my newborn. So, when my daughter turned a year old January 2023 we decide to start trying. With much excitement I became pregnant in Feb.2023. I noticed the changes in my body almost immediately.
Then on March 20, 2023 I started spotting. I knew what that possibly meant but tried to convince myself I would be okay. There are many reasons a women can spot in pregnancy. March 21, 2023 I woke up having bled through my pajamas. I knew this was a bad sign. Within a few hours of waking, I started to experience intense belly pain and have to brace myself against the wall to prevent myself from falling. I went on with my day in my heart I knew what may be happening but was still trying to convince myself otherwise.
I miscarried while sitting in the waiting room at my chiropractor’s office. I cried, I hurt, I was simply devastated. I then took my daughter to daycare and went to the ER where they confirmed my loss. It was a terrifying experience there was no compassion there. I felt alone and hurting. I was so thankful my husband rushed to the ER to be with me. My desire to see my baby, hold my baby was so strong and still is. I decided to give my body three months rest before trying to conceive again. With each menstrual cycle that followed it felt like a slap in the face that I was without child. I felt like a failure. I felt like an empty shell.
In June 2023 we started trying to conceive again. My desire was so strong and so was the heartache that I felt with each menstrual cycle. I wanted to know that I was still able to conceive and carry a child. Then comes November 2023 the day after Thanksgiving we got the good news we’ve been waiting for. I was over the moon excited and yet fearful. I was excited to know I could still become pregnant but experienced a new fear with this pregnancy the fear of loss.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
So far this pregnancy has been completely different from my previous two pregnancies. I experienced almost no morning sickness, very little cravings, and a lot of heartburn / indigestion. So far, this pregnancy has been very easy. I feel like the most challenging part is being a good attentive parent when I feel tired and exhausted .
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
There is no known reason for the miscarriage. The ER doctor tried to blame it on the fact that I declined the RhoGAM shot for my previous pregnancy, but further testing proved I had zero sensitization (therefore proving that theory to be false). There were no changes in my health or diet. The only thing that they could say is that sometimes miscarriages can happen for no apparent reason. Regardless loss is loss and I still miss the baby I never got to hold.
4. How far along were you?
I was approximately 5 weeks according to what my hormone levels were when I miscarried. One thing that hurt is that I never got to see the baby on ultrasound. I lost the baby two days before my first OBGYN appointment. I have irregular periods which is why I had no idea of how far along I was until they did the hormone test.
5. What are your babies names?
My first child, her name is Audrey. My angel baby, his name is Levi. The little girl I am carrying now, her name is Evelyn.
Even though I never got to meet my second child in my heart I know he was a boy. I couldn’t bury him without a name. Levi means “attached”. He will forever be attached to my heart.
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
Losing a child is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I do not wish it on anyone ever. I will say talking with someone who has experienced loss helps. Miscarriage or any child loss seems to be such a taboo subject. It helps me to be able to talk about Levi and my experience without feeling bad about talking about it. He is my child and regardless of how long I got to carry him within me he was still there. My body still changed for him. Sometimes I feel like individual who has never experienced a miscarriage doesn’t understand the same and expect you to just get over it and not talk about it. I know everyone carries grief differently but for me I cannot hide my child and my loss.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
My body discharged everything. When they did the ultrasound, my womb was found to be empty. Although the body of my child was not visible to my eye at 5 weeks old, I know he was there in the form he was meant to be. I kept the baby in a sealed bag in the fridge until I knew where I wanted to bury him. I could not possibly let the hospital “dispose” of him like he was trash. I buried him with a small blanket beneath the pine tree in my front yard. Around his grave is a decorative border filled with irises.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
I felt like the medical treatment was detached and cold. I needed more compassion in that moment. They basically sent me home and said to not work for at least 24 hours and follow up with my OBGYN. Even though I called the office ahead of time to update on my condition, when I showed up to my OBGYN appointment the nurse greeting me congratulated me. When I verbally updated her on my situation, she was apologetic but still not exactly the greeting you want after loss. My OB said basically take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after loss and as long as it came back negative, I was good to go. I don’t know I guess I just wish there was more compassion and comfort for loss or at least recommendations on what to expect from my body (the physical or hormonal changes) or a support group.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
I think they tried the best way they know how. I think the best comfort from them was the hugs, “sorry, for your loss”, or the offering to watch my daughter so I could have space and freedom to grieve. It would irritate me if someone says “well, it wasn’t meant to be” or “not the right time”. I’m sorry you don’t tell someone those things after a death. Would you tell someone who lost a spouse “well, it wasn’t meant to be”. Hell no! Just because you never saw the baby or felt the baby doesn’t mean the baby wasn’t real. It’s not like losing a game or missing out on a promotion where it would be appropriate to say, “it wasn’t meant to be”.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc.)
For the most part I think it was sadness and confusion. Full of “why did this happen?” How could I have such a good healthy 1st pregnancy/birth and lose a child the next time. It had me doubting my ability to carry/conceive. My whole life I’ve had family/friends telling me “Oh you’ll have no problems conceiving because your mom had five kids”. Then I lose a child and I have that echoing in my head. I still have days where I cry about losing my child or days where I relive that moment and feel the pain.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
Well, we wanted our children close in age. So, I decided to give myself at least 3 months before trying to conceive just to give myself time to heal and grieve. After that we started trying again. It took us about 5 months to conceive again which seemed like an eternity.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
This pregnancy has definitely had lots of joy but definitely more fear. Fear that any moment that I may lose this baby. Fear that I may not get to see this baby. I was able to let go of a lot of the anxiety and fear once I got to see the baby for the first time on ultrasound. I found more joy once I reached the second trimester (which is commonly considered the safe zone aka. less likely to miscarry). I still have moments of fear and uncertainty visit me from time to time, but I try to not dwell in that. I try to stay positive and surround myself with joy. I am beyond grateful to carry this child and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
I got a special Christmas ornament for him. I also planted irises above where he is buried.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
Find yourself someone to talk to. Someone that has walked that journey. There was comfort with those I felt safe to talk about loss and pain. Everyone grieves in different ways, but it helped me to know I was not alone and to have people that understood my pain and grief truly. Getting fresh air helped and being able to step away from the responsibilities of MOM every once in a while.
Update: On July 2 my water broke. So, I spent the day prepping my house trying to get any last-minute projects accomplished knowing that my labor would probably start within the next 24hrs. Sure enough July 3, 21hrs after my water broke, I started latent labor. I had planned to have a free birth at home with my spouse and toddler. I had arranged to have my midwife come for postpartum and baby care.
During my two hours of latent labor, I roamed the space between my Master Bath, Living Room, and Hall Bathroom. My toddler and hubby were constantly checking on me. My toddler would say ” Mommy, what’s the matter?” I would just simply tell her “I’m okay. Mommy is hurting. Mommy is working hard & your sister is coming soon.” I went into active labor in our hall bathroom & texted our midwife to let her know what stage I was at (so she could make sure she was ready when I was ready for her). My hubby peaks his head in and tells me “Sounds like you’re getting serious.” Had I not been in the middle of a contraction I think I would of laughed. Then he politely asks me if I want to stay in the room/position I was in or if I wanted to move to the Master bathroom where the space was better prepped and more spacious. I replied “move, in a minute”. Once I finished the contraction, he helped me up and to the shower of our Master Bathroom.
My active labor was an hour long. My toddler spent most of it in the bath while I was in the shower. I had the cool water running down my back and at some point, my husband also brought in a fan to help me stay cool. (I was having hot flashes & staying cool helped prevent me from getting sick.) When it came time to push the head out, I had finally gotten too loud for my toddler’s comfort. Hubby took her to the living room & put on her favorite show and she was content with that. He came back and supported me for the remainder. It took me six pushes to birth baby’s head. The first five pushes her head would come and then recede. On the sixth push I finally got the head out. I held her head for a little bit in hopes to catch her but with the next contraction I needed support. I was in a squat position and felt my legs getting tired so I leaned my upper body over my kneeling husband and had him place him hands under the baby’s head. Two more pushes and the baby was born.
My husband caught her then passed her to me. He helped me to the shower stool and embraced us in the most wonderful hug. A few minutes later he asked me if I was ready for help. I nodded then he texted my midwife to let her know baby was here and we were ready. The timing of everything was beautiful. My midwife came in the house a few minutes later. Both her and my husband assisted me to the bed and laid me on my side. I immediately started cramping & about 25 minutes later my placenta was born. My toddler & hubby joined the baby & I in bed. My midwife looked after us. I was completely exhausted but so happy. I had the birth of my dreams, and my sweet child made it to birth and into our arms. Anyone that has ever lost a child knows how good it feels to finally hold the baby that you’ve been so anxiously waiting for. I had so much self-doubt after I miscarried my second. It felt so good to have made it to the finish line. I now have two beautiful girls and I feel blessed beyond measure.
Photos taken by Dana Duke Photography.
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