I got pregnant easily, and very unexpected as I was just 14. Although this was going to be a life changing experience, I was so beyond excited and ready to be a mom to my sweet boy.
My pregnancy was hard but easy. One because I was so young and lived in a small town so everybody was judging me at first but then became supportive. I had so many friends and family waiting for the arrival of my boy.
I was 34 weeks and 2 days when I had him. I caught E. Coli and Strep B and passed it onto him. How I got it is unknown. Knowing that your baby is no longer here makes labor a million times harder, or it did for me. I did everything right. I wasn’t sure how this had happened or why it happened to me. I didn’t know such things like this could happen until it happened to me. I did everything right in my pregnancy and knew that I didn’t deserve this kind of heartbreak.
Losing him has been the hardest thing I will ever experience. It sucks. I never would have imagined I would have to pick out a burial outfit for my boy instead of a going home outfit. I had about an hour with my boy before the funeral home was there to take him. The hospital gave me like a mold of his feet and cut some of his hair so I could keep. The medical staff there was so amazing, I could never thank them enough for giving me such amazing and comforting care while I was in labor and after I had my boy.
His name is Malachi and man he was the chubbiest hairiest little boy I had seen. A cherub Angel in my opinion. After losing him I went into a depressive state where I wished it was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from and unfortunately I had to come to terms that it wasn’t. My heart will forever be broken and have a missing piece.
I hadn’t planned on trying anytime soon and just 3 weeks before his 1st birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. Just 2 weeks later, my heart would be broken again as I had miscarried my rainbow. No reason as to why.
In honor of my son, I have donated 2 cuddle cots. One where I had him, and the other to a hospital local to where I am. If I had a cuddle cot with Malachi I would’ve been able to spend more than an hour with him. I would’ve been able to do what I had planned for the future in just that short amount of time.
As a loss mom, I’ve met so many other moms and have been able to connect with them and be able to talk about our losses. I hope that others will know that they aren’t alone although they may feel like it.
I am now expecting my rainbow baby in July of 2024.
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