I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with my sweet Kaiden Zayne. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited, even though it wasn’t planned I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. We were so happy, although pregnancy wasn’t what I expected it to be and was somewhat harder than everyone explains it to be, I loved being pregnant. We got everything ready for our boy, we got the whole nursery done and I even painted a mural on the wall, he had more than enough clothes, I took monthly pictures of my growing bump and gorgeous maternity photos, he was so loved already. All of our family was so supportive and couldn’t wait to meet and watch Kaiden grow. They threw a gender reveal and a huge baby shower, we all felt so much love. We got to see him on 3D ultrasound and got to see his silly personality as he stuck his tongue out at us. We did have some stressful life circumstances come up in the thick of it, we had to move, I lost my only Grandma left, my husband lost his Cousin and my family almost lost their house to a forest fire right before we lost Kaiden.
I woke up the morning of August 20, 2021, knowing right away what had happened. I was 40 weeks and 6 days. I hadn’t felt the baby move in at least a day, the prior day I was so concerned about contractions and counting them I hadn’t even thought about the movements. I already felt the failure as a mother. I immediately sat right up in bed and grabbed my fetal monitor, no heartbeat. After a few minutes my husband and I rushed to the hospital, I felt like I couldn’t even move or breathe. My husband was hopeful and I was not, I just knew although I tried not to show that to him. Our worst nightmare came to life when the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat. It’s so hard to explain this part but even though I knew I just couldn’t believe it.
Flash back to two nights prior, I was awake in bed waiting for contractions when out of nowhere I had the worst pain in my life, (to me it felt like transition labor, although I wouldn’t know what that felt like) but it was like someone was stabbing me in my uterus, I couldn’t breathe and my body was shaking uncontrollably for at least a couple of minutes, my husband was holding me trying to console me but I had no other choice but to just wait it out. Afterwards the baby was moving and I got up. We went for a walk until my body stopped shaking. I settled down, used my fetal monitor and felt ok so I decided not to go to labor and delivery. When I got up the next morning I thought it would be best to go in and make sure the baby was ok, I was insistent that this scared me so much and I didn’t feel right about it but they said everything looked normal and the whole thing was “normal”.
So back to the day we found out we lost our son, we were devastated (there really are no words to describe this level of pain), I didn’t think I could handle birthing a dead baby and opted for a cesarean. I had to wait for 7 hours, I cried more than I ever thought was possible and couldn’t even touch my belly. I went in for surgery they proceeded to wheel me along the doors of babies coming out crying and I can’t tell you the torture is was knowing we weren’t going to hear our son cry. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see or hold my son and just didn’t know what to expect. The nurse (my guardian angel) encouraged me to do so and it would be very important in the grieving process, I reluctantly agreed. When I saw him for the first time all I could do was cry, the whole time I had him in my arms I felt he looked perfect to me and as if he was just sleeping. It was all just so unbearable.
Kadien was and is a beautiful baby. He was 6 lbs 11 ounces and 21” long, he was tall and had curly brown hair like his daddy and looked just like his mommy as a baby with the same fingers and toes, I was so proud. I unfortunately didn’t hold him for too long, only about 2 hours until I just couldn’t take it anymore, but I am so glad I did, I come back to those precious moments and love knowing his sweet face. While I was holding him I felt like I was just waiting for him to wake up. My brain just couldn’t believe or process it. I later regretted not spending more time with him, taking more pictures and putting him in his hospital outfit, I felt so neglectful. It just was all so painful, I was also totally out of it with the drugs they put me on and my brain just wasn’t responding normally. After doing an autopsy and the doctor inspecting the placenta and cord, we weren’t given any reason for his death, which I feel made it harder not knowing. I still believe it was that night of the intolerable contractions that did it, I think it scared both him and I, and the amount of cortisol that was flowing through our bodies.
We spent the last almost two years grieving and trying to love and find ourselves again. I felt so lost and so empty, I miss the optimistic person I was before losing my child. We held tightly onto each other, we cried endlessly, we talk about our sweet boy and do our best to honor him often, we took some time away from work, we got married, we traveled, we got a puppy and we just recently bought a house. We tried for the last 6 months to get pregnant and I was so confused and discouraged why we weren’t getting pregnant, especially considering we got pregnant so quickly and unexpectedly with Kaiden. When we found out we were closing on our house the exciting news of finding out we were pregnant again followed just after. It feels like the stars are aligning again and we didn’t get pregnant prior because we weren’t quite ready. So far this has been a scary and delicate experience. I get feelings of joy and excitement followed by fear and doubt. I am essentially very hopeful and trying to have faith. Kaiden is constantly showing us signs in nature. I know he sent his sibling to us and I feel so comforted by that. Dreaming and praying for the day I have my own child in my arms, and holding my sweet Kaiden in heaven.
Photos taken by Dee and Liz Photography.
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