My husband and I have been together since we met during our freshman year of college in 2008. When you are together with someone for as long as we’ve been, you have the chance to go through many life phases together and for over 10 years of this time we were adamant about having no children. Then one day we did a complete 180 and changed our minds. It kind of came out of nowhere and that was that, we were ready to try. To our surprise, it happened right away.
My first pregnancy was as normal as it could be. I was lucky to have almost no nausea or cravings, I was able to continue working out, and I never had low energy. All my scans were great, minus the fact that Baby Girl never wanted to look at the camera. Then one morning at 28 weeks, I went to the bathroom and saw what I believed to be my mucus plug. Luckily, I was heading in for my glucose test that day so I mentioned it while I was there. The doctor decided to check my cervix and I was one centimeter dilated. They sent me directly to the hospital and I proceeded to spend the next five days in the hospital. Each day they threatened an emergency C-section and would then proceed to change their minds. I was having visible contractions on the monitor but they were not uncomfortable. The baby’s heart rate would drop, and then she would recover well. On Sunday morning, Baby Girl was not responding well so I was scheduled for a 7:00 pm emergency c-section on the same day. Around 3:00 am baby’s heart rate dropped and she did not have the best recovery. After that heart rate drop, we went on to have a calm day and the high-risk doctor asked me to do another ultrasound. Since Baby Girl had now been stable for the last 12 hours, the doctors did not feel right taking her out. The doctors didn’t see any issues with the ultrasound and the decision was made to cancel the C-section. She asked if she could check my cervix and I was now 3 centimeters dilated. She said, “now it is time for nature to take its course.”
Over the next day, I finally began to feel the contractions and around 9:00 pm it was becoming hard to breathe through them. At 9:30 pm, my water broke and Baby Girl arrived at 10:07 pm.
Her birth was amazing and she came out in only a few pushes. Unfortunately, I had a very short umbilical cord and I was unable to hold her while they did one minute of delayed cord clamping since I had not delivered the placenta yet. As soon as they finished the cord clamping, she was whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), my husband in tow. Even with all the trauma of birthing a baby 12 weeks early, I could feel the oxytocin coursing through me. The feeling of love and happiness was shining through.
My daughter went on to spend 95 days in the NICU. It was a bumpy road. I spent 8-10 hours a day at the hospital for those 95 days.
The people who work in the NICU are some of the most amazing nurses I have ever met. NICU nurses are truly sent from above. The care and compassion they provide exceeds all. We felt as though our primary nurse, Maria, loved our daughter just as much as we did. On the morning of Baby Girl’s 95th day in the NICU, we found out she would be going home. The day before Mother’s Day! She is now a rambunctious two-year-old ready to take on any adventure.
My second pregnancy started a bit differently than the first. The fear that comes with pregnancy after a traumatic experience is something not many people talk about. After finding out I was pregnant with our second child, I paced around the house for 45 minutes waiting for my husband and daughter to get home from swim class. I don’t remember there being an excited bone in my body. Simply put, I was scared. Luckily, I have a partner who always has a positive mindset and stresses the importance of being optimistic.
If you are thinking of becoming pregnant or have become pregnant after traumatic experience or a loss, it is OKAY to be afraid, but try your best to think positively. Each moment you have with your baby growing inside you is a blessing. All they know is the warmth and comfort of being in your womb. Each day and each small moment is a milestone worth embracing. Try your best to separate each pregnancy and not compare them to each other. I tried my best to do this; however, this is easier said than done.
We went in for an ultrasound for this baby at 7 weeks. Since it was so early, we had a transvaginal ultrasound. At this ultrasound, it was determined that I have a septate uterus, which means when I was in utero, my uterus didn’t form to make one full uterus and it was two halves. It is something I was born with. My first question was, how did you not see this during my first pregnancy? When Baby Girl was born, they told me that sometimes premature births happen and it could have been a virus you had that we didn’t see on the tests. They never told us we needed to look into anything. Apparently, my ultrasound with Baby Girl was done at 10.5 weeks. Since a baby at that time is so much bigger than at 7 weeks and it was a standard stomach ultrasound rather than transvaginal, they didn’t see anything.
I then went on to meet with maternal fetal medicine, and they gave me an 80% chance of going full term with this baby. I am still unsure how they could make that assumption since they could not do any further tests of my septate uterus since it was discovered while being pregnant. But I continued to trust the doctors and went on thinking everything would be fine. Starting at 12 weeks, I began taking progesterone. I went in for weekly transvaginal ultrasounds to check my cervix, which were all normal. On my anatomy scan they found some fluid in the baby’s kidneys, but they advised me that it would resolve itself later in the pregnancy. On December 4th, I went in for my typical ultrasound and everything looked great. My cervix was long and doing what it should. Friday night I had weird back pain that I attributed to wearing heels all night at a Christmas party. The next day, I had some spotting and was having fairly regular Braxton Hicks contractions, so I went to the hospital. After 5 hours of monitoring me, they sent me home since I wasn’t showing any signs of progressing.
At 4:00 am I woke up to a painful contraction, and my water broke. We frantically moved throughout the house to grab what we could and rushed to the hospital. From there, I spent a few hours in triage awaiting our fate. We were seen by many different specialists and our baby still had a strong heartbeat. We were told that if I don’t go into labor, our prognosis was not good because I lost amniotic fluid, and the baby needs that to assist with breathing and prevent serious lung issues. Since the baby was under 22 weeks (21 weeks and 4 days), the doctors told us if I went into labor today they would not intervene because the likelihood of survival is just not there. Over the course of the day, my labor began to progress and I was admitted to labor and delivery. Around 2:00 pm my contractions became unbearable. When your baby is so tiny, you do not need to advance to 10 centimeters before delivery. At 2:27pm we delivered a baby boy. Unfortunately, he had gotten stuck in the birth canal and came out arm first. His birth was very traumatic, and he did not survive. When the NICU doctor brought him to us, she told us to prepare ourselves because he was very bruised. We spent the rest of the day with him. We played him Somewhere over the Rainbow for him, a special song for us for many reasons prior to this day. The nurse took photographs for us, which I am so grateful for. Nurse Jackie was a saint. She knew when to step in whenever we needed her, and she knew when to step back to give us space. Our son will always be in our hearts, even though he is not physically here. He is with us each and every day.
At this time, we are still deciding if we will go on to be parents of a third child. Our ‘rainbow’ has many different forms at this time. Our son is our rainbow and he will forever be remembered by the song Somewhere over the rainbow. When we see a rainbow anywhere, it will remind us of him.
My second rainbow is bringing awareness to birth fear and openly talking about it. Not everyone is excited when they see those two pink lines even though the baby is loved and wanted. Fear can trump excitement. Take that deep breath, embrace your journey, and try your best to enjoy the little things. Because you never know how long your pregnancy will last, it is important to make the best of each moment that you do have.
Our third rainbow is making sure everyone knows they should always get a second opinion. If you have any doubt or are questioning someone, it doesn’t hurt to get someone else’s opinion. It’s okay not to always listen to the first doctor, or any doctor for that matter. If you feel that you need something or something is off or wrong, you must advocate for yourself. Ask to be seen by someone else or transfer to a new facility. Remember, a doctor is serving you. You should feel supported and treated properly and you are allowed to interview your doctors. Most offices will allow you to schedule a 15-minute interview where you can speak with the doctor before scheduling an appointment with them. Shop around, if they don’t serve you then find another one. If the office doesn’t allow an interview, then maybe they are showing you up front that they are not the right choice. Hindsight is always 20/20. So do your diligence up front where you can.
Photos taken by Joseph Sorrentino based out of New Jersey
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