Hi, my name is Karissa and here’s a look at our journey to start a family.
I met my husband in 2018. We were engaged the same year and got married the following June of 2019. We decided we wanted to start a family soon after our wedding and two short months later we got our first positive test.
Excited was an understatement. Everyone always says “it takes time” or “it doesn’t happen right away.” I was in Mexico on a work retreat 2 weeks before I took the first test. I remember just not feeling normal. I was so bloated I looked like I was 5 months pregnant and blamed it on traveling, food, etc. The plane ride felt like something was turning in my stomach. 2 weeks later something told me to take a test and immediately a plus sign showed. All I remember was pure joy and excitement. I messaged my husband and told him to come by the house on lunch. When he got to the house, I had him open it. I still have the video to this day because we were so innocently happy in that moment.
I knew about miscarriage so we told our close family and friends and decided to wait to share the news. 3 days later the cramping started and then along came the rest. I called the doctor that morning and went in for lab work. My hcg levels had dropped and my body had already passed that sweet baby. I couldn’t grasp the fact that God had given us this life and then just ripped it from us 3 days later.
I was told it was my body “not being ready” after stopping my birth control. Or “it was meant to be, God has another plan.” But when it’s you and your baby, those are the last things you want to hear. Life went on and we kept our hopes up. We had a trip planned to San Diego to watch my younger brother graduate from boot camp in November. Once again, the bloating was unreal and the plane ride felt unusual. We came home, I took a test shortly after and another positive showed. That test felt like an answered prayer and my faith was reset. I took things much easier that time around. I got more rest, didn’t lift anything heavy. I called the doctor and had an appointment 2 weeks later. I never made it to that appointment because my body had once again failed to take care of another life. That’s what it felt like. As women we are meant to create and house life until our babies are ready to be on their own. My body couldn’t seem to do that or didn’t know how.
I couldn’t move past the fact that here we are trying to have a baby. We are married, we both have good jobs, we can take care of and love a baby, and yet we couldn’t do it. These 2 losses completely changed me as a person. I lost all faith in what God had planned. It felt like I was being punished for something and didn’t know how to change it. Friends and family members announced their pregnancies and as happy and relieving it was to hear positive stories, it also makes you question why everyone around you has the one thing you can’t grasp.
8 long months went by before we would find out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby. That 8 months consumed my life. Testing, ovulation, planning, wondering if this was the month. Every month I would convince myself this was it. A positive test was going to happen. And every month was 1 line. And the disappointment and anger would start again. I asked for help in this journey in June. I called my doctor and asked what needed to be done. More tests, monthly planning, knowing every cycle and day, going to the office on a certain day each month and just waiting. The waiting seemed just as painful as the negative tests.
2 months of testing passed and the third month, which would have been August of 2020, meant the last test before the next step. Enough information would have been gathered to see where we needed to go. It was a Sunday evening. I told myself I wouldn’t take a test until Monday morning. One more day would surely make the difference. And I convinced myself if it wasn’t positive Sunday it wouldn’t be Monday. So I worked up the courage, expecting disappointment of course, and took the test. I walked out of the room for 3 minutes and looked in the mirror for what felt like forever before I ever looked at the results. When I flipped it over and saw 2 pink lines all I could do was fall to the floor on my knees and cry. I wasn’t sure if they were tears of joy or tears of being terrified that I couldn’t lose another baby.
I called the doctor the next morning and went in for labs and the following week we had our ultrasound. Hearing our baby’s heartbeat felt like the entire world stopped. We found out we had 3 sacs. 3 potential babies. We went every week for an ultrasound to see if the 2 others would form. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I truly believe going every week eased my mind to seeing our baby grow and develop on track. Hearing his heartbeat and watching him move for the first time made me feel like this would be different. The 2 sacs were absorbed and everything was perfect.
Our rainbow baby, Maverick, is due in 4 short weeks. Feeling him move and grow is the absolute most amazing experience in life. Every day is a struggle that most people wouldn’t understand. Questioning every movement and every task you do because you’re terrified of losing another sweet baby. Miscarriage and loss is a club I would never wish on anyone. It’s one I didn’t sign up for and I wish I never knew. This journey has opened my eyes to just how precious life is and how easily it can be taken away. Babies are such blessings and I pray everyone gets their rainbow.
Photos Taken By Winter Haven Photography.
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