I wish that no mom had to go through loss, I wish loss didn’t exist but unfortunately it does and what is worse is that many moms suffer or grieve in silence. Pregnancy and infant loss seem to be taboo topics within our society but it shouldn’t be and it is not fair to the moms who experience this. I have gone through two losses, after the first loss I didn’t really talk about it and no one really asked but after my second loss I found my voice and have been very open in talking about it in the hopes that other moms would share their stories or that it would inspire, help, or encourage someone.
April 11, 2019 I found out I was pregnant; shocked was the main emotion as we weren’t trying. However, shock turned to joy as I planned out how to tell my husband. A week later I made up some Easter baskets and announced our pregnancy to him and our son. We were both so happy and quickly all we could talk about was our new little bundle. A few days after I told him, I started bleeding. I went to the ER, they checked me, took my blood and some hours later the doctor told me my HCG levels were low and I was most likely having a miscarriage and that it wasn’t my fault. Devastated I drove home crying and praying that the doctor was wrong. I stayed home for a few days and I was still bleeding pretty heavily. I went back to the ER to recheck my HCG levels hoping that they had increased to prove the doctor wrong. Unfortunately, I got news I never expected to hear…that this was an ectopic pregnancy, the baby was in my fallopian tube and they needed to act quickly. My only thought was that they could be wrong and I would rather take the risk to wait and see then terminate the pregnancy. My husband did not want to gamble with my life and the doctors were pretty sure so we decided to take the injection. Pain, numbness, anger, so many emotions that I felt and I slipped into a depression.
Three months later we fell pregnant again, so many emotions of fear, shock and anxiety as we were not trying again. Throughout the pregnancy I was a ball of nerves as I didn’t want to go through what I went through previously. Even though I made it past the first trimester the anxiety didn’t end. We found out we were going to have a daughter and I was so excited. I shopped for all the girl things, started dreaming of what she would look like and how her personality would be. March 7th we had our baby shower and took our maternity pictures and it seemed to be getting real. That following week I just had a feeling that I would end up in the hospital and so I washed all of her clothes. March 12th at night I had some sharp pains in my stomach and thought it could be contractions but decided to wait since it was early to see if they would subside. The following day I wasn’t experiencing them anymore and went along with my day. Later that Friday evening I felt like I hadn’t felt her move that much so I went to the hospital to get checked out and make sure everything was okay. My husband was home with our son and I let him know I was going to the hospital. I got there and they were trying to get her on the monitor but they were having some trouble so they ordered an ultrasound. By the time they came for the ultrasound my husband was by my side. They conducted the ultrasound and then left and some minutes after that they moved me to a room kind of in the back of L&D. We got in the room and they closed the door, the nurse turned to us and informed us that our little girl did not have a heartbeat. Shock..complete and utter shock as we tried to process this. When they left I started praying and asked my husband to pray. I prayed God would work a miracle that they were wrong and that He would bring my little girl back. March 14, 2020 at 11:55am Cadence Grace Jarrett was born still at 37+1 weeks. There were no cries, no movements, just silence and tears. I cried as I held my daughter, seeing her so beautiful with a head full of hair but knowing that she was no longer with us. The grieving process looked differently than with our previous loss. We turned to our faith instead of turning away, had a large support system and my husband and I really leaned on each other. I felt my faith grow, even though my heart hurt, God was using it to help and inspire others.
Five months after we lost Cadence we became pregnant with our rainbow, another little girl due the same month as her sister. I was excited, happy but very apprehensive as she would be due in April. This pregnancy has been completely different and God has been working in our lives during this pregnancy. My husband and I are building our first home which will be done around the same time as we have this beautiful blessing and I am excited for April because God is redeeming and restoring. I found my rainbow in many different things: my faith, my husband, my son and in my second daughter who will make her appearance soon. I have seen so many rainbows recently and each time I do, I stop and think of my beautiful babies in Heaven and of the promises and blessings to come.
You can read more of Caila’s writing at her blog Words of Inspiration.
Photos Taken By Rico Cadet.
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