Meghan’s and my story of loss begins with many years of childlessness not by choice. I had always dreamed of having a large family. At one point I wanted 5 children! I had hoped to begin trying in my early 20s. I had achieved all the things we’re told we “should” do before starting a family like getting degrees and a decent job—and this was before I met Meghan.. Of course, life had other plans. Finally, after years of life going its own way, Meghan and I began fertility treatments to start our family. After two years of appointments and tests, six IUIs, many more ICIs, multiple donors, and a lot of setbacks, including a shortage of Cryobank donors, we were finally pregnant in 2021.
Although it was a difficult pregnancy, we couldn’t be more thrilled to finally have a baby on the way. We eagerly awaited our anatomy scan. Owing to the years of waiting and infertility, we decided to wait to announce our pregnancy and had planned to make the announcement after receiving our 20-week ultrasound photos. Sadly, the ultrasound did not go as hoped. The technician was mostly quiet and did not spend as much time taking measurements as we expected. I knew something was wrong from what the ultrasound technician said (and didn’t say), but I was holding onto any chance that our baby was ok. Since the scan was not at a doctor’s office, we had to go home and wait for our midwife to call with the results. I had a terrible feeling. An hour after our ultrasound appointment, our midwife called to tell us that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. His heart stopped beating at 19 weeks 5 days. Nothing can prepare you for the news that your baby has died. Two days later, at 20 weeks, I delivered our beautiful baby boy, James.
After his birth, we had only minutes to take a few photos. Everything happened so fast, and I wish we had more time to hold him. It was so sad to say goodbye. It has been almost 4 years since we lost our baby, and I can still remember the sinking, hopeless feeling of walking out of the hospital without our baby while other parents were walking out with their new bundles of joy. Still, I was thankful for the short time we had together and felt privileged to be his mom.
During the years that followed, I ended up trying multiple rounds of medicated and unmedicated ICIs, as well as three rounds of IVF and three egg retrievals. Meghan also tried ICIs and an IVF round that was cancelled right before retrieval. We went through countless scans, blood draws, tests, medications, and protocols, and we continued to have more losses, including an 8-week loss in 2022, a five week loss after transferring our best quality embryo in 2023, and an 8-week missed miscarriage in 2024 resulting in an MVA surgery.
Throughout all the years of infertility and loss, there is one quotation that has always resonated with me: “It is easy to forget that when people lose a baby they aren’t just missing a newborn. They are also losing their toddler taking their first step. Their infant starting to read. Their teenager graduating from high school. … They are losing every magical moment. In the blink of an eye, the future has been erased.” – Zoë Clark-Coates. I spent many years longing for all of these moments with my children and feeling like my identity as a mother and parent was invisible. Meghan was grappling with grief she didn’t expect as she had only decided to have kids when she met me.
Our journey was not over. We continued fertility treatments and, after years of infertility and recurrent loss, we finally welcomed our quadruple rainbow baby in 2025. Our beautiful baby girl, Lily, was born in May on the exact date her brother James’ was due. Her birth and my postpartum were just as uncertain as the years preceding her birth, but she is healthy and strong and everything we could have asked for.
Photos taken by Diane Russon.
Teddy Bear in memory of our Baby James by www.mollybears.org
Watercolour painting of Baby James’ 12-week ultrasound photo by Drew Paints IVF
Jessica and Meghan share their story on @two.hopeful.mamas
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Make sure to follow Journey For Jasmine on Instagram, Facebook, and Tik-Tok!
Listen to the Finding Hope After Loss Podcast!