I waited years before deciding to become pregnant: I was waiting for the better job, the bigger house, the right partner until I decided to become a single mother by choice and started fertility treatments in 2018.
My first iui was successful, I was pregnant only to find out that I had a missed miscarriage at 10w . Genetic testing after a DNC was performed showed it was a boy. I Named him William.
My second iui was successful again, I became pregnant with a baby girl this time and everything seemed okay. At 24w I went to my OB office due to decreased movement only to hear the same terrifying sentence : “I am so sorry there is no heartbeat…”
My daughter Amelia was born silent the next day.
The heartache, heartbreak, deep pain, madness, loneliness, desperation and complete helpless I felt I cannot even put into words. Something inside of me died with Amelia and my will to live was non existent. I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder that most likely was the reason why Amelia died and almost takes my own life as well, as a few days later I was admitted with a blood cloth on my leg. I spent them next couple of months on a bed, I’m a dark room, not wanting to see or speak to anyone. Weak and sick. Had to visit the ER, googling baby loss, pregnancy loss, blood cloth and pregnancy, dead babies, and urn for my daughter, prayers, a lot of soul searching and God searching. I prayed for healing, I prayed for peace, I prayed for my children, I prayed for clarity and then… I started praying for another baby.
A few months later I found the strength to try again, the pain of not having living children won me over and I went for a third iui… unsuccessful…
Fourth iui I got pregnant again… a boy! The joy, the grief the constant fear, the trying not to get too excited just in case this baby doesn’t make it home.
My handsome and perfect boy was conceived 6 months after I lost Amelia and born last year. He just turned one.
He is my pride and joy and he also reminds me of every milestone I missed and I will continue missing from his older siblings.
Pregnancy after loss is hard and parenting after a loss is complicated, there is joy intertwined with grief and fear and love and gilt and sadness and rainbows. I still check his breathing and I live in constant fear that something may happen to him.
He is silly and loves cuddles,he likes to be rocked to sleep and to be tickled. He is a mama’s boy and I love him so much.
If you are reading my story and you are pregnant after a loss, I’d like to give share some of the things that helped me: give yourself grace, put yourself and your feelings first. Also, I wish I had taken more pictures while pregnant, I wish I had celebrated this baby more while pregnant, I wish I had allowed myself to be happy during his pregnancy. I hope you can.
I wish you have a safe pregnancy and a smooth delivery and a healthy precious baby to hold at the end of this journey!
Photos taken by Acapello Photography.
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