First of all I’d like to thank you for reading my story.
Hi, my name is Femke, I am 27 years old and I live together with my boyfriend Damian in Rotterdam, the Netherlands. Our journey starts in October 2021.
How it all began :
In October we decided it was time for a baby and we started trying. The first months we were very positive. I had no stress or doubt that we would not conceive. In March 2022 we got our first positive test. We were really excited and immediately told everyone. Friends, family and even at work.
In the end of April I started bleeding. I got an appointment for an x-ray and got told that I miscarried. Even though they told me that, my tests were getting darker by the day. I demanded a bloodtest. A week later I finally got the bloodtest and my HCGlevel was 3800. The doctors told me not to worry and that it would drop on its own. It could take some weeks. I felt not heard since my pregnancy tests would still get darker and I was still bleeding.
On the ninth of May, in the evening, I felt really sick. I threw up everywhere and had a stabbing pain in my abdomen. My boyfriend was at work so I had to get myself to the hospital. It was a ten minute walk, but it felt like hours. When I got there I got another X-Ray. Yet again, nothing to be found, the womb was empty. My symptoms couldn’t possibly be from my miscarriage. They put me in a bed since I was still throwing up. They took some blood and found out that my HCGlevels were above the 10000. A nurse came in and wanted to make one more x-ray. She saw something behind my ovary and I immediately got admitted for surgery.
Our baby was located in my right tube. On the 10th of May 2022 I lost my tube and we lost our baby. We gave a name to this baby : Noah René, which means rest and rebirth. The surgery is still a bit traumatic to me, since it all happened so fast. The day after this surgery I went on facebook and posted in a group what had happened to me. I got so many reactions and found two other woman who had gone through ectopic pregnancies. They are still good friends to me.
The second pregnancy :
My boyfriend and I had to try for about a year and a half on our own. I became obsessive with testing, ovulation, tracking the cycle, et cetera. Every month the tests came back negative. I began to lose some hope. In September 2023 we started with fertility treatments. We did 5 rounds of IUI. The IUI in January came back positive ! Yet again we were really excited, but I was also a bit scared. What if it happened again?
I spoke with my fertility doctor about my fears and she told me not to worry. The insemination was on the 10th of January and I had a first positive at the 21st of January. This time we did not tell everybody. We only told our parents and two of my closest friends. On the 31st of January I started a new school. I am studying to be a pharmacy assistant. The second day of school I started bleeding again. I panicked and went to the hospital. There I got told again that I probably miscarried again. I asked what the chance was for it being ectopic again and they told me there was zero to a little chance. It was a miscarriage and I could go home.
For a week I was bleeding and got the stabbing pain again. I called the hospital and explained what was wrong. They told me to get in and I got an x-ray again. The nurse found the baby almost immediately, but in the wrong place. She even printed a copy of the x-ray for me. It was the 7th of February 2024. I was allowed to go home and pack some things and called my boyfriend since he was at work (again). They explained to me that they didn’t know where the baby was located precisely. It could be a tube, but it could also be on the outside of the uterus. I went to get surgery again in disbelieve and when I woke up I got the information that it was in fact in my tube and now I was left without tubes. No more natural conceiving for me. I was 26 and sterilized.
Then IVF began :
Even though I was really sad, my boyfriend always found the right words to say in that time to cheer me up. He’s okay with doing the IVF and supporting me. In March we started the first round of IVF and the medication wouldn’t work. I only grew 2 follicles so the treatment got cancelled.
In May I got different medication and grew 11 follicles. I had the retrieval and only four seemed to be ripe. We were a little devastated but also had a little hope. One egg made it to transfer day and I had it transferred. Unfortunately it didn’t stick.
We took one month rest and I got to start the second round of IVF. More medication this time and I grew 24 follicles. I had the retrieval and we had 14 ripe eggies. Only five were fertilized and when I got to transfer day I got told that there was only one embryo that was capable to go in the freezer and one embryo was going to get transferred that day.
Transfer day was on the 29th of July. On the 4th of August we got a first positive. That is were I went a little crazy. I wasn’t happy, only terrified. Since I work in a pharmacy now I had to tell at work. I fell out at work occasionally that few weeks. On the 16th of August I was working when my miscarriage happened. I felt so much pain and went to home. I got it confirmed at the hospital where my treatment took place.
The present and the future :
We still have one embryo in the freezer. This year I will get it transferred. I am waiting for bloodwork. Since I had so much trouble getting pregnant on my own and the things that happened they think something is wrong now. When I look back at everything that has happened I want to smile and cry. Even though I have lost all our babies, I am gratefull that I got to carry them for a few weeks. Every day that goes by, I think of them and I think they will always be a part of my life. If you ask me what got me through this all, my answer will always be talking about them and acknowledging them. I found out that people will not always understand, but that is on them and not on us. We need to learn to deal with the pain and the grieve it brings us. I honour them on the dates we had to say goodbye.
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