I am not sure how to describe the last 6 years. Full of grit and determination that I found in places I didn’t know I had within me. I was blessed to have an uneventful pregnancy and birth with my first child, Holden. Two years later, we got pregnant and then at 10 weeks had unexpected bleeding and found there was nothing inside the uterus, blighted ovum.
Pregnant again, went into my doctor for blood draws and saw the numbers falling; I lost the baby quickly, within the week.
I went to see a fertility specialist sensing something was wrong and was told I was young, fine. These things happen. I pushed for medicine to help my body become more regular and got very sick, pushed through and continued a trigger cycle (letrozole and ovidrel shot to induce ovulation after monitoring of follicles throughout the cycle at the clinic), got pregnant, and again the blood numbers fell and I lost the baby. At this point after three back-to-back losses we were told that IVF with embryo testing was our only next option and that would be about $60k. I hit a new low as this was unreachable. I had promised my child a sibling, and I’d do anything to help achieve that commitment. We looked at adoption, we discussed adoption of embryos with family and then that offer was retracted. We got on a 6-month waiting list with a more affordable clinic in New York. I continued to monitor cycles during this wait, went on a strict diet and our miracle baby came to us, Hendrix! We were so blessed and happy. After Hendrix, I spontaneously became pregnant again in 2021 under the care of our fertility doctor, only to lose this baby as well, blighted ovum, nothing was seen in the gestational sac. I had passed the previous 4 losses at home so expected to pass this pregnancy as well. I ended up going to my Uncle’s house in Maryland as we usually do with all of my Aunts, Uncles, cousins, my mom and I became extremely ill. I didn’t want anyone to have to take me to the doctor or hospital on thanksgiving and cause a fuss so I tried to stick it out. I became uncontrollably sick and fevered in much pain, my husband rushed me to the ER where my body was in septic shock.
They also found a 7cm mass on my liver during a CT scan and I had a close brush with death. I completed several rounds of misoprostol and IV antibiotics, recovering for 3 days in the ICU and was then stable enough to come home to NC and complete the D&C. At this point, after 5 losses and the testing coming back as genetically normal, I started to wonder if there was something else going on with me. I had been having periods of sickness (extreme vomiting, diarrhea, blurry vision, pain, brain fog, indescribable fatigue, muscle weakness, migraines) for the past 10 years and I researched and researched and talked with people I connected with on the loss pages. I asked my doctor for additional testing on the repeat loss panel and found out I had lupus, which my primary doctor had suspected for years. I was referred to rheumatology and was diagnosed with Lupus, an immune disorder, and Ehlers Danlos, a connective tissue disorder.
After this 5th (septic) loss, my body became extremely volatile. My usual flares of sickness that I had been experiencing for 10 years were increasing to constant problems, including memory (couldn’t remember where I had been and where I was going when driving at work seeing families, calling clients and coworkers with no memory after just speaking) vision where I couldn’t drive and my husband had to pick me up, incontinence, constant vomiting and mouth sores, skin pain and blistering headaches, vertigo, extreme fatigue, and oh my goodness the pain. My body became so ill I had to leave my beloved job and saw many specialists and doctors to try and get me stabilized, only resulting in more diagnosis’s and specialists.
I quickly completed an egg retrieval knowing this was my last shot for future family and didn’t tell anyone, not even my mother or closest friends, just my husband knew. I was worried I would fail and disappoint people like the last 5 losses. I worked with a reproductive immunologist to try and balance my levels enough for transfer, which took testing and med adjustments every two weeks and going to the airport to overnight blood results to Rosalind Franklin University. I knew this was our last chance for having more babies due to certain drug regimens and bodily decline and we underwent IVF with a talented immune specialist by my side. After many treatments, we had one miracle embryo! After a lengthy time of testing and trying to stabilize my body enough for transfer, we had a successful embryo transfer, I was pregnant!
My immunologist would continue to perform specialized immune testing every week that we would mail overnight to a specialist clinic. I found out during this time that I had blood clotting disorders. I developed a SCH, sub chorionic hemorrhage. I fought and fought to keep our baby alive and ended up going to the ER with massive bleeding. Baby Hazel had a beautiful strong heartbeat and was just starting to wiggle around the sac on the screen. I was in awe and still am amazed at her strength. I tried to tell myself this wasn’t happening, that there was no way I could loose her and I was going to do everything in my power to fight for her and keep her safe. I called my doctor at 9:30pm and told him what was going on and that the pain was increasing exponentially. He told me to go to the ER but we agreed the ER would not have the baby’s interest in mind but that I needed to stay alive to support the baby at the least! We agreed on an appointment at 8am in the morning, Thanksgiving, but after I ended the call I quickly realized I wasn’t going to make it to that appointment. I filled up a urinary hat on the toilet with golf ball and lime-sized clots. This was very painful and scary to see this come out of me, and the cramping and pain was intense.
I called my friend and she talked with me as I started to vomit from the pain and feel very dizzy. I definitely could not drive and my friend drove me to the ER. As I stood up out of the car, blood ran down my legs and pooled into my boots. We got to the bathroom to try and clean up and change my urinary incontinence pads I was using for the blood but it was quickly apparent that there was no way to stop the profuse bleeding. We left the bathroom and the hospital staff came and put me into a wheelchair and just immediately wheeled me into bay 1 in the ER. Blood was pouring out of me. They immediately wanted to do a transfusion and a D&C. I’m in full labor at this point, breathing through the immense pain which was so much more painful than before.
I demanded an ultrasound, as I wanted to check on my baby. The ultrasound was inconclusive and they did not have a maternal fetal medicine specialist on staff nor did they have a specialized ultrasound machine that had the ability to hear the heartbeat. I requested to be transferred to Duke so that we could access those things to try and save the pregnancy. They wanted to do a blood transfusion and I asked for the blood levels to be reported first before we did this, as I was still conscious and let them know that having lupus, a blood transfusion really can kick up immune activation further. The blood results were low normal so I pushed to hold on. They only could offer me fentanyl for the pain so I refused, as that was not safe for baby. The staff was concerned and kept acting like I was very irrational to try and keep saving this pregnancy. I understood that they probably did not know how difficult it was for me to reach this far along, and how I am her mother and will fight for her life as best I can, as long as I can.
When they learned I had Ehlers Danlos and Lupus they almost seemed to give up on the idea that the pregnancy was sustainable for the long term. After fighting as long as I could to hold off, I allowed the quadruple blood transfusion and later the D&C as I was very close to loosing my life. The doctor was in tears and said if you do not agree we will be starting life-saving measures. I couldn’t succumb to the anesthesia. In the cold OR, the nurse, leaned in close, grabbed my hand and said “where do you want to go? I said “On the beach with my baby girl Hazel. I want to play in the sand with her”. The nurse teared up and took both my hands and said “okay, let’s go there together “. This act of compassion and love will always mean so much to me. I don’t remember her name or maybe I never had a chance to know it but I will always remember her face and her hands on mine.
After I woke up in recovery it was 4:30am thanksgiving morning. I saw a small container on a table next to me. I knew it must be my baby girl. The doctor had promised she would save her for me. The nurses at first said I couldn’t hold her but I asked if they could check with the doctor. The doctor came down and visited with me and checked on me again once I got to my room. I remember the gown they put me in had holes and snaps on each breast area for breastfeeding. I cried knowing I would not get to breastfeed my daughter. After the nurse and doctor left, I held my baby girl in her container and rocked her and cried for three hours. I couldn’t stop wailing for my baby. I was so thankful no one came in to check on me as I really needed this time to grieve and hold my baby. I miss her to this day.
We lost our beautiful Hazel Jade on Thanksgiving of 2022. I was at an all-time low. My doctor said I could no longer carry a pregnancy, my body was too ill. I had a friend offer to surrogate, this was incredible news! After much healing physically and mentally I completed another egg retrieval March 2023 which resulted in three normal embryos; this was very hard on my body. The offer of surrogacy suddenly fell through and I was devastated. I had to somehow try and transfer to myself. After much testing I was diagnosed with a rare form of endometriosis and adenomyosis. I underwent hysteroscopy surgery to remove polyps, fibroids, and endometriosis within my uterine cavity and my body was placed into medically-induced menopause. I was diagnosed with tachycardia, fibromyalgia, and hashimotos.
Out of options, I tried to start a transfer cycle to myself after multiple surgeries and three months of menopause suppression but the pain caused by the medicine was too great, my memory was impacted and the cycle was cancelled. My incredible mom raised money and donated her savings to us to find a surrogate. I was very conflicted over this but also wanted to help those embryos become earthside in our family and this was the only way to keep the baby and myself alive. We matched with a surrogate, completed medical testing, legal, insurance- so much goes into a surrogate journey. I emotionally was struggling with having another woman carry my baby but knew it was the only safe option for my child as well as myself. We spent 4 days together like a family during the transfer and the transfer did not take, no pregnancy.
During this time, the remaining embryos at the clinic had partial chromosomes that were found to be potentially abnormal and the risk was too great to transfer to me due to my body becoming so ill especially after loss. We had two options at our clinic- destroy the embryos or donate to a family that was hoping for a baby that was not able to make embryos. After much discussion, we concluded that we wanted to give this gift of life and family that we were blessed with to another family. We interviewed many families as we took this decision very seriously and learned from the adoptive embryo community voices about how to navigate this path with biological and adoptive family involvement. We found a wonderful family and decided to become family together! This was emotionally difficult for me, but I knew it was best to give this family and these embryos a chance at life. My heart was also called to donate the two chromosomally-normal embryos as we had children already and she did not have children of her own. She became pregnant but then lost the baby, and this also felt like a loss to us as well. We grieved for their family and also for our boys.
We had one remaining embryo to try one last time with our surrogate. During this time I was also praying for the desire to be taken away and just be done with all this pain and heartbreak. Then shockingly I became pregnant with our divine miracle baby Hannah. Every doctor was beyond concerned, as was my family. It has been a scary road but we are so thankful to be blessed with this miracle.
Hannah‘s pregnancy was full of twists and turns and a lot of high risk monitoring. I went into the doctor three times a week and in the third trimester she stopped growing. Her measurements were concerning for achondroplasia, commonly known as dwarfism. We researched as a family how to overcome this new challenge and were preparing for the upcoming c section. I was informed I had a significant chance of organ failure during the surgery and did not tell anyone but my husband; we decided to carry this between us and I prepared some writings, recordings, and videos in case of my passing. All this was very mentally heavy for me in the last week before her birth and I experienced increasingly painful contractions. On the day of the scheduled C Section I experienced labor contractions while waiting for surgery. I was relieved we were prepared for anything with this surgery, we approached it with a mixture of hope and fear. After a hurried but uneventful surgery, Hannah was born at a healthy 5lbs 10.5 oz and 18inches long! Our hearts were relieved she appeared healthy and without concerns for achondroplasia, our beautiful miracle baby girl. As she was born early at 36 weeks she has struggled to suck and swallow but she is now doing well, a miracle ending for our family. My heart is so whole, we are blessed beyond measure.
For all of you still struggling with infertility and loss, I see you, you are not alone. I hope so badly the time will come soon for those of you hurting. I feel that pain in your eyes, I see your grace and strength you use every day to move forward. I am here for you in any capacity. My heart will never truly leave that space- I am changed. To know that pain will never leave me; while I am continuously amazed at this blessing, I appreciate the road traveled to arrive here. Thank you for listening to my story.
Rainbow skirt photo taken by Chelsea Tucker, my best friend and fellow loss mom, IVF warrior, and rainbow project participant!
Newborn photos taken by my dear friend Megan Cash of Megan Cash Photography.
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