Since 2011, at 16 years old, I was told I would never have a chance to be a mother. Having endometriosis stage 4 and due to the severity of the scar tissue on the lining of my uterus was too great. In November 2016 this was confirmed and I had to process the fact I would never have my own child.
I became a therapist and primary focus was children with autism and gave my heart and soul to the kids I worked with. They filled the void of what I would never have. I also was with someone whose son became like my own and I felt the need to be a mother can always be filled in other ways. I came to accept my reality.
However, in October of 2023, I experienced something I never thought I would, I saw a positive sign on a pregnancy test and I never felt such relief in my life. I felt “this is my chance, it is my turn, god is telling me it’s my turn.” Come November 2023, I experienced a miscarriage of this child at 8 weeks, for no fetal heart beat was detected. I was lost in myself. I felt it was a sick joke, to give me a taste of what I never thought I could have and take it away. I had a d&c and my relationship with my body was never the same. A hole was in my heart for why would god tell me I can, and take that? I was angry.
February 2024, I began having similar symptoms again, but I fought my mind. I had to begin accepting this wasn’t for me. My partner kept telling me “take another test” and I remember refusing. A day before a medical procedure, I took a test and it was negative so I ignored it. A week later symptoms got worse and I missed my period. I didn’t think anything of it but when my wedding dress didn’t fit me, it make me question. I have stayed the same size for 6 years. The dress fit me perfectly before, I was told “well if you lose a pound or two it will fit.” My partner told me again “take a test.” I cried for I didn’t want to see another negative. It hurt too much. However I did, and this time, a positive plus sign came up and I panicked. I didn’t want to lose another pregnancy and knowing I just lost my last, I was scared.
I had this fear inside me as I made the appointment for my ultrasound and was filled with anxiety until then. That day came on my birthday March 15th, and I hid my face and covered my ears. I felt a tap on my arms and looked at my partner’s face. He was smiling. I turned to look at the screen to see a little body, and what caught my eye was the fluttering in the middle. The nurse turned to me and said “congratulations, you have a baby.” I felt the stars in my eyes grow and all the fear slowly fell away. I embraced that moment and saw all the hope and dreams I ever wanted. I remember after the ultrasound my partner looked at me and said “I wish I could have took a picture of your face. I never saw you look like that before.” His fears faded away. “It’s only the beginning” he told me.
And it was. The beginning where there was hope, there was love. Today at 29 weeks, I feel my future growing inside me. Every milestone took any fears I had away. To the news of hearing “it’s a girl!” To, “happy 2nd trimester!” To “she is fully grown, and is doing fine.” The child in me is excited for I can finally unconditionally love someone and know with all my heart that it will be given back. I have a chance to give a part of me to this world, and be what I always wanted to be, a mom
Update: On November 17th, beautiful Anastasia was welcomed into the world and became her parent’s whole world. She is currently 1 month old and a healthy 9 pounds and is thriving everyday. A testament that there is always a rainbow after a storm.
Photos taken by Rachel Gacy.
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