My name is Carrie, just a Wisconsin girl writing my story about losses, heartbreaks, my angel babies and my precious rainbow daughter.
I feel most women when they are little girls they dream about their wedding, their future husbands and having little babies. That was never the case for me growing up. I never wanted any of that. That was until I met my now husband in March of 2017. He completely changed my life. Made me wanting to get married and have little babies.
So, when we found out we were pregnant in September of 2017 we were ecstatic! What we did not know was the curve ball we were about to get thrown at us. We attended our first doctor’s appointment where our hearts were broken. “We were unable to find a heartbeat, you are going to be going through a miscarriage.” The most terrifying words I think anyone could ever here. Tears just started to flow no words were spoken.
We were devastated. I’m not sure if I was in denial, but I needed a second opinion. I switched doctors and they confirmed what we had been told prior, we lost our baby. So, in the beginning of December 2017 we went through what I consider to be one of the hardest times of my life. There were lots of tears cried, sleepless nights and plenty of whys but that little baby will never be forgotten and lives on in our house and our lives every day.
In March of 2018, I married the love of my life and we found out we were once again pregnant with our rainbow baby. Again, we were beyond happy that we got pregnant but I knew from my prior experience what could happen and I was very scared.
My husband then left for a nine-month deployment right after we found out we were expecting. I was scared throughout that whole pregnancy thinking something bad was going to happen and what would I do without my husband. That wasn’t the case though and I embraced every moment of pregnancy.
On December 30th 2018 my husband and I welcomed our now two-year-old into this world. She’s our everything. She has brought so much joy and laughter to our family and I am so thankful to have our little girl running around here every day.
2019 rolled around, my husband came back from deployment and we were enjoying the time with our rainbow baby. As most families do we decided we wanted to have another little baby in hopes of completing our family. In the beginning of June 2019 once again that pregnancy test read pregnant and once again we were so happy.
This time around I think I was a bit calmer as we had just had our rainbow baby so what could go wrong with this third pregnancy. Everything was going smoothly, appointments were going fantastic my body felt right and it was a perfect pregnancy in my eyes.
That was until the end of August approached and another curveball was thrown at us. I was awoken by cramping but thought nothing serious of it until I felt my water broke. Still trying to be calm, we rushed to the hospital where they confirmed my water had broken but then had told us our baby would not survive much longer. We had to make some of the toughest choices and decisions.
Devastation took over me but I was still trying to be hopeful. I wanted our baby and my body to decide what was going to happen next. At 20 weeks, on August 31st, early in the morning our little girl made her appearance as a stillborn. I was heartbroken, it tore me apart and I was devastated. So many questions ran through my head and I just couldn’t understand why it had to happen to me, to my husband and to my daughter who had lost her sister.
My daughter lives on in our everyday life and I honor her daily. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of what she would look like, what she would be like and how her and our rainbow baby would get along so well.
I knew nothing about miscarriages and losses until it happened to me. It is more common than most people think, but please do not be afraid to speak up, talk about it, and talk about your babies. All my children have made me the person I am today and I just hope I’m making them all proud. I know our angel babies are looking down on us, keeping us safe and guiding Caydence along this thing we call life.
Photos by Elite Photography by D’Ann.
Read more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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