Our fertility journey started in 2018 after returning from our first big trip through Europe. After trying for 12 months, we decided to seek help. This is how I learned I had endometriosis and adenomyosis, and suddenly last 10 years of pelvic pain and horrible periods finally made sense.
Then, in 2019 we gave up hope of conceiving naturally, but a few months later fell pregnant. We sadly miscarried at 10 weeks. The worst part about having a miscarriage was that I didn’t know that I needed to grieve, that it was okay to grieve. I took a couple off days from work, and returned with the mindset of keeping things as normal as possible. I had this idea that I needed to carry on like everything was okay.
I had no idea about miscarriages, and was simply given a tablet at the hospital that would help me “pass the sack” and was told to catch it for pathology testing. They said that it would just feel like a normal period and I could go to work the next day. It was not. It was excruciating and devastating. It took me a long time to recover from this whole experience. I was depressed, I quit my job when it all became too much and felt alone in what I didn’t recognise as grief. Then, when I didn’t receive any test results from my embryo, I decided to follow up and was told it had gotten lost in the testing process. Our first child was just treated like a blood sample that had been lost in transit, and nothing angers or upsets me more.
Two laparoscopic surgeries, and three IVF cycle’s later we finally got two embryos but decided to take a break in 2023 before attempting the transfer. This is when our rainbow baby was conceived- and NATURALLY again! We couldn’t believe it. But my pregnancy with Lachie was risky from the start. I had bleeding at 14 weeks from a slight tear at the placenta (which self resolved after rest), gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. But I was so happy that I wasn’t scared and truly believed that as long as I stayed calm, and did everything right we would soon meet our baby boy. Everything was going well until I had my routine scan at 32 weeks. We walked into that room as proud happy parents and walked out feeling like our world had shattered. Lachie’s heart had stopped beating within the last 24 hours. I felt him moving the night before and had no reason to believe anything was wrong. We went home to process what just happened, and returned to hospital the following day to be induced. Lachlan Lei was born on the 13.03.24 at 1:32pm in the Mater Mother’s hospital. He was so perfect, like he was sleeping and we were just waiting for him to open his precious eyes.
We stayed with Lachie for 3 days and created as many memories as we could, taking photos (thank you to Heartfelt for providing us with everlasting memories), watching cartoons and the football together as a family, and had our family and friends meet him and have photos holding him. We all held and loved our baby as much as we could in the little time that we had. Our experience in that hospital was outstanding. We had a bereavement midwife who organised the photography and castings to be taken of his little hands and feet. She told us we could hold a funeral and do whatever we felt was right for us. If it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have the beautiful memories of him that we do now.
My experience with Lachie was vastly different to my first loss because I felt like I was allowed to grieve. With Lachie, I had a wonderful medical team who guided us, and encouraged us to spend time with our baby. Sadly, I think that miscarriages are oftena treated like a medical illness that you can get over and be treated for. Not the loss of a life- a child, and it saddens me that so many other loss parents have similar experiences.
The place where these photos were taken have a special place in my heart. It is here that I finally allowed all my grief to come to the surface about a week after coming home. I was walking with my husband and dog through this bush when I remembered Lachie was no longer in my tummy, he was not in my arms and he never will be again. My heart broke in that moment and I sobbed the entire walk. My husband took a step back to allow me to have this moment but stayed closely behind so I knew I wasn’t alone. For that, I am so grateful. Since we lost our son, we seem to have become more in tune with one another and aware of what the other person needs. If anything, and as much as I would do anything to have my baby boy back, I know that the love Michael and I share has become stronger and we have our Lachie Lei to thank for that. I hope he knows how proud we are of him.
I asked Sarah to participate in this project to not only honor our Lachlan and keep his memory alive, but also create awareness around infertility, and pregnancy and infant loss. I loved the idea of a rainbow skirt because to me, it means hope. Hope for us to bring a sibling of Lachlans into this world one day.
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