Remembering Carson & Halo Barkster
Our babies’ lives will forever hold meaning. Carson and Halo brought a depth of love and joy that continues to inspire me daily, leaving an indelible mark on my heart and life. This is their story—a story of love, resilience, and the hope that their legacy can bring comfort to others who have faced similar loss. Thank you for helping us honor their beautiful lives.
Honoring Carson and Halo: Our Journey of Love and Loss
With no living children due to our multiple pregnancy loss, this journey has been deeply reflective, filled with remembrance and the ache of love that could not stay. This post is dedicated not only to Carson and Halo but also to every angel baby taken too soon. To every parent who walks this path with an unspoken understanding, we share a connection that binds us in compassion and support.
Songs That Speak to Our Hearts
The songs “Angel” by Halle Bailey and “Halo” by Beyoncé resonate profoundly with me, capturing themes of love, protection, and remembrance. The gentle grace of “Angel” and the radiant energy of “Halo” feel like perfect tributes to Carson and Halo, symbolizing their eternal presence in our lives. When I share their story, I often mention how these songs remind me of my babies, adding a deeply personal touch to their tribute.
Carson’s Story: A Journey Marked by Struggle and Strength
In August 2023, my husband and I learned we were expecting Carson. At the time, I was serving on active duty in the Army, and my pregnancy was fraught with challenges. My health was fragile, and the leadership around me showed little compassion. Despite my efforts to express my concerns to my OB-GYN at the military hospital, my pleas for help and requests to be placed on bed rest in a safe and protected environment went unheard.
Tragically, Carson passed at 17 weeks on January 23, 2024. When I gave birth to Carson, I held him in my arms for nine precious minutes. I remember watching his tiny fingers move, and in that moment, my husband Brandon and I were consumed by the love and grief that filled the room. We cried for days, weeks, and months, as the hospital staff told us he could not be saved. Yet in my heart, I struggled to accept that this was true.
This loss left a wound so deep that returning to duty felt like an insurmountable challenge, as I had to endure ongoing pain and emotional distress. But I remained a grieving mother who loved her child with all her heart.
Halo’s Story: Our Rainbow of Hope
In May 2024, we discovered I was pregnant with Halo, our rainbow baby. This new life brought overwhelming gratitude yet an undeniable anxiety. The world seemed to expect that this pregnancy would “heal” the pain, as if one child’s arrival could fill the space left by another. But seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test after Carson’s passing was both a moment of hope and a reminder of the courage it would take to love again despite our loss.
When we shared the news of Halo’s pregnancy, it was met with joy, hesitation, and even fear. But the hardest part was facing the expectation that our grief could somehow vanish with this new beginning. Carson’s memory is eternal, and Halo’s arrival will not replace him—just as any future children will never replace either of them.
Unfortunately, our time with Halo was also brief. At just 8 weeks, we lost our sweet baby. My angel was gone, and the grief was unbearable. The pain of losing Halo compounded the heartbreak we already felt, and it left us with an emptiness that words cannot fully capture.
To All Angel Mothers
To all the mothers who hold the love of angel babies in their hearts, there are no words that can fully capture the depth of our loss or the strength it takes to keep moving forward. Every day, we carry the memory of our precious babies, a bond that is unbreakable. We honor Carson and Halo, knowing that our connection is forever.
On those difficult days, lean into the love and support around you. Know that our grief reflects the immense love we hold. Together, we remember our angel babies, cherish their memory, and find strength in one another as we walk this path of healing. You are seen, you are loved, and your journey matters.
A Mother’s Fight for Justice: One Year After the Loss of My Babies
I will never want another mother to feel alone, unsupported, or failed by the healthcare system. My journey has shown me just how easily a mother can be dismissed, disregarded, and left to suffer in silence. After the loss of Carson and Halo, we could no longer stay in San Antonio, or even Texas. The lack of care, resources, and support was devastating, especially while I was serving on active duty orders in the Army Reserve. The humiliation I experienced, the complete failure of both military and civilian hospitals, and the absence of proper healthcare left me feeling invisible. But it wasn’t just the healthcare system that failed me—it was the toxic behavior of my Army leadership that compounded the pain. Their harassment, bullying, and mistreatment during my pregnancy tormented my family, my baby, my husband, and me. The environment was hostile and unrelenting. Instead of the support I so desperately needed, I faced constant stress, retaliation, and a lack of compassion that put my physical and emotional well-being at even greater risk. I will never forget the cruelty we endured, and it fuels my fight for justice today.
Since Carson’s loss, I have worked tirelessly to speak out for justice, raise awareness, and demand accountability. I have attended Black Maternal Health Week events, connected with organizations like AnyBabyCan of San Antonio, Ashlee @ The Morning, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, Star Legacy Foundation, March of Dimes, Butterfly Kisses Alliance, Moms Voices Maternal Mortality and Morbidity Advocates, and participated in Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death 5K walks throughout the year to honor my children’s memory.
Through community events, nonprofit organizations, and social media, I have shared our story to advocate for better healthcare practices and policies that protect mothers and babies. Carson and Halo’s legacies continue to fuel this fight for justice, ensuring that their memories live on in every step of the work I do.
In 2025, I hope to contribute even more to this cause from Wisconsin, surrounded by family, friends, and a healthcare system that I trust. This battle is not just for me—it’s for every mother and child who deserve better care and respect. Carson and Halo’s memories drive me to keep fighting, and I will not stop until every mother and baby receives the care they deserve.
Carson and Halo, we feel you watching over us, and we love and miss you deeply.
Photos taken by Amanda Barkster.
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