I remember when I first found out I was pregnant it was a huge shock, I’ve always known since a very young age that I wanted kids so after the shock subsided me and my partner were over the moon. Pregnancy went well up till my 20 week scan when we found out I had polyhydramnios.
28 weeks I found out I had Gestational Diabetes. From then on we had weekly scans, water fluids kept rising and baby was big but nothing too serious.
At 33 weeks I went for a scan to be told baby hadn’t grown much since the previous week, but with the fact he was big anyway he wasn’t lacking and still looked and sounded very safe and healthy. I was told to wait 2 more weeks for the next scan to give him a little extra time.
At 34 weeks and 6 days I went to triage late at night as I hadn’t felt baby moving for a few hours and I was worrying, but when I got to the maternity unit they put me on the monitors and our boy was absolutely fine! Just being a little tinker. My blood pressure was high so they kept me in longer and monitored that and gave me medication. 1 hour later I was sent home and was told to see my midwife the following week.
At 35+2 days I had an appointment with my midwife at 9.30am and a growth scan at 3.30pm. I got up early sat and enjoyed my baby kicking and wriggling, not knowing this would be the last time I’d feel him move. I went to my midwife and she said I looked a bit swollen and the tests from the previous trainers visit said I was borderline preeclampsia so when I went in that afternoon for my growth scan they would do some more monitoring on me.
I spent the rest of the day waiting for my 3.30pm appointment but as I was busy I didn’t even notice if I’d felt baby moving, but wasn’t concerned as he was always more chilled in the day. I went for my scan and the male sonographer took forever scanning me making me turn this way and that way, at this point I was still completely oblivious and wasn’t prepared for what came next. He turned the screen off and said to me “I’m so sorry Tania but I can’t seem to find the heartbeat”.
I was in shock I started screaming and as I was all alone due to covid I had to listen to those words all on my own and to this day I still have nightmares over it. He said he was going to get someone else to confirm so as he did I rang my partner to hurry up to the hospital as he had just finished work. Another lady came in and confirmed that my baby had in fact died.
I rang my partner to come to the hospital and within half an hour I had taken the tablet to start labour. I was sent home and told to return in 24 hours. After no sleep the next day I went to the hospital and every induction process didn’t work with me. I was ready to give up and beg for a C-Section as I didn’t feel strong enough to keep going.
Finally at 10.25pm on the 21st of February 2021 our angel entered the world. We made the tough decision not to see or hold our boy as we didn’t feel strong enough and we do not regret that decision. We have pictures that the hospital took and that is enough for us.
2 weeks later we had our baby cremated and he’s now at home where he belongs. We are currently pregnant with our rainbow baby boy sent to us by our angel in the sky and we will always let our rainbow baby know who their big brother was and how loved he is.
Photo taken by Kingsley Andrew.
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