When I get that positive pregnancy test reading on that little stick it’s always in the back of my head all the what ifs that could happen. It’s a whirlwind of emotions. The uncertainty is beyond what I can fathom, but the reality is this… it’s completely out of my control.
So in June of 2022 my husband and read that little stick with pure joy and anticipation meeting our third sweet baby. With having two healthy pregnancies and soon to be big brothers, I never anticipated the overwhelming emotions that followed our pregnancy confirmation appointment.
Our sweet boys came with us to the appointment that day because we wanted to surprise them and tell them they would be big brothers. I knew what the fetal heart beat looked like on the screen and it wasn’t showing. Then my doctor said those words I never imagined I would hear, “I’m so sorry. There is no heart beat.” I was shocked, crushed so confused. We never explained to our boys why we were at the doctor that day and I spent the next several days waiting for that dreaded moment.
Since it was the first time I ever experienced a miscarriage I didn’t know what to do. Because I hadn’t shown any signs of miscarrying I was encouraged to have a D&C. I endured the entire process alone due to Covid restrictions still running through the hospital. The nurses were so incredible, but looking back and realizing what was happening to my body it was horrifying. Not only was I healing from losing our baby, I was also healing from being completely exposed to people I didn’t know. It was an emotional rollercoaster and one that no woman should ever have to endure.
Fast forward to March 2023, we found out I was pregnant again. I was nervous, but so relieved and excited for our rainbow baby. Getting that positive reading was a weight that lifted and my heart was filled with hope again. We made it to the first appointment and heard the heart beat of our fourth nugget. It was the sweetest sound and all was good.
Four days later I noticed I was spotting. At first it wasn’t much and I thought maybe it was implantation bleeding. Then there was more spotting and my heart knew I was miscarrying. I went in for an ultrasound and it confirmed there was no heart beat. I heard those dreaded words again and it absolutely crushed me. I was weeping in the chair and I felt my entire world spinning out of control. I prayed that my body would pass everything naturally because I could not bear the thought of enduring another D&C.
God answered my prayers and I passed everything naturally and it was so much more peaceful to be in the comfort of my own home. Even though I was going through an emotionally painful experience, I am grateful that I was home and my husband could be with me every step of the way.
So I started to heal the wounds in my heart and my head all over again. While I was navigating my grief I experienced that first period after the loss. I had this gut feeling I needed to have the miscarriage blood panel done to see if there is anything wrong and a possible explanation as to why my body was miscarrying. The blood work showed that there were no abnormalities. The only explanation that was given was that maybe they were just bad eggs.
I prayed again that if God needed another sweet babe to do his will on this earth through our family he would make it possible in His own time. At the same time, if it was not meant to be that we have another sweet tiny human I prayed God would bring peace to my heart and rest in my soul.
My small mind could not fathom the workings in which God was moving. As a month had passed after our second miscarriage and I conceived our now rainbow baby!
This pregnancy has not been my favorite. I was incredibly sick in my first trimester and I hadn’t experienced that kind of sickness with my other pregnancies. Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check the paper for blood, all while having this peace that God is faithful and totally in control of this sweet little life. After all, I prayed for Him to do something special and He did!
Was it in the time frame that I expected? No, absolutely not. But that’s what makes this life so special and God so amazing. His faithfulness is never ceasing and his grace is sufficient for each moment of every day. He is always finding ways into my heart to keep me steady and hopeful!
Through this entire pregnancy my mindset and emotions have been on a rollercoaster. It has been the most challenging time for me mentally, but knowing I am not alone has comforted my heart. And if you have made it to this point in my story, and have experienced loss, I want you to know you are not alone.
God will bring you peace and comfort in the darkest moments. His light will break through your doubt, fear, uncertainty, aloneness and will stir hope in your soul for something so completely unexpected.
Never give up hope. Your rainbow may just be around the corner.
I debated for months writing out our story, but the process has brought peace and a sense of purpose for our pain and loss. I want to make sure I shared our story because I know there are other women out there that have experienced exactly what I have felt and I want them to know they are not alone. I think about you often and I pray that your heart would soon be filled with light and peace while you patiently wait for your rainbow.
Photos taken by Dalila Paola Mendez.
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