Before I had babies that passed away I was jaded. I knew the statistics, but since my first pregnancy went so perfectly my mind was set on the idea that miscarriages and stillborns happen to others and couldn’t possibly happen to me. How could it after such a perfect first pregnancy?
I learned quickly in my second pregnancy to not be so smug. At my first ultrasound with Tristan they had found a dark spot that the doctor then wanted a high risk doctor to look at which was terrifying in itself. We went to the high risk doctor for the second ultrasound a few days later, the dark spot was gone, and he called it a very large medical term that I cannot remember anymore, but assured me they were normal and didn’t mean anything else was wrong. I left the high risk doctor so happy that my baby was okay.
But that was only nine weeks in to the pregnancy. When it came time for the anatomy scan I was still happy, there had been no indication that I shouldn’t be happy with what was happening. As we were watching the screen while the ultrasound tech took measurements I knew something was wrong. I could barely see my baby and I didn’t understand why. We again were sent to the high risk doctor for another ultrasound for more assessments. This time was very different. The doctor gave us the news that our little boy had a heart defect, but that was not the main issue, he also had not developed kidneys or a bladder.
We had to make a decision to let the pregnancy continue until my body decided to start labor or have a termination for medical reason. We struggled with the choices, but ultimately decided to terminate for medical reasons. On April 12, 2013 our son Tristan came into the world silent and staying in that maternity ward was the worst experience of my life hearing newborns crying and being trapped in silence.
Later that year we got pregnant again. Everything was again going very well, no indication of problems until we went for the anatomy scan again. The moment the doctor came in and said they couldn’t see hardly anything they needed to on the ultrasound machine I broke down. I knew very well what it meant despite her trying to give me hope.
Back to high risk we went and our third baby had the same diagnosis as Tristan. We again had the decision to make and again decided termination for medical reasons was the best option to end the baby’s suffering. July 31, 2014 Nathaniel was born. Our oldest and only living child had just turned three a few days before Nathaniel was born and it was difficult since he understood more than he did the year before.
Later in 2014 we again got pregnant. The whole pregnancy something felt off to me and I could never figure out why. At first I thought it was anxiety of Tristan and Nathaniel’s diagnoses, but it was more. This time at 12 weeks it was clear that the baby had passed away, but my body hadn’t figured that out yet and I was just waiting to miscarry. My doctor ultimately decided since my body was showing no signs of starting the process that I needed to have a D&C.
After that I had resigned myself to the fact we would only have our one living son and no other children. It always broke my heart, but I couldn’t keep putting my body through this, nor could my mental state survive it I truly believed. I had finally become fully okay with our oldest, Gabriel, being our only living child when he began saying things to me like, “I’m going to have a baby sister by the end of the year.” I told him that wasn’t possible because of how human anatomy works since it was October 2017 and I was definitely not pregnant. He dropped it for awhile then against in January and February 2018 he started saying it again. I argued that no he wouldn’t, but he was six years old so it of course was falling on deaf ears.
Come March my cycle didn’t show up, my anxiety rose, and I took a home pregnancy test, a digital one that would come up with “pregnant” or “not pregnant” just to not deal with the lines and my already high anxiety. When the time passed it was hard for me to look and when I did I saw PREGNANT staring back at me. My heart dropped and I cried. I cried for hours it felt like because I was terrified. I couldn’t go through the death of another child. I just couldn’t.
But…time went by. The pregnancy went fine, other than the horrible and unrelenting morning sickness. At my anatomy scan the ultrasound tech was such a wonderful woman that when she heard our story she searched for the kidneys and bladder before doing anything else. They were thankfully there and everything else looked perfect with our little rainbow that did so happen to be a girl. On November 9, 2018 our sweet rainbow Adira was born.
It was the hardest journey I have ever endured and I hate so many women face these agonies. I hope one day all of those women get their rainbows and their happy ending.
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