My husband and I had just gotten married when I found out that I was pregnant. We had just sold our house and were in the middle of moving 15 hours away to fulfill our dreams of living in an RV and traveling full-time. Needless to say, the pregnancy was a huge surprise. We were scared and nervous at first, but absolutely over the moon and so excited. My whole life I wanted to be a mom, and my husband and I had always talked about wanting kids. We figured that even if we had to put our original plans on hold, our baby would be our dream come true.
We immediately told our parents and my closest friends, and made our first appointment. A few days later, I started to have some spotting and cramping and I immediately knew something was off, despite people telling me it was relatively normal. I think some part of me just knew what was truly happening. I tried to wait it out, but the next day I started having debilitating cramps. My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of tests, ultrasounds, and pain medicine, they sent me home and told me it was too early to know anything and I would have to wait a few days to monitor if my HCG levels had gone down.
I went home and waited for what was the longest few days of my life, trying my hardest to stay positive, but already knowing deep down what was happening. The test results came back, and they confirmed that I had lost the baby. We were devastated and completely heartbroken. It was the worst physical and emotional pain I had ever been through. It was the first time in my life that I had physically felt my heart shatter. We went back to the doctor and took all of the necessary next steps, and this time in my life honestly feels like a blur. We decided to name our baby Lou, after my husbands late mother. We still celebrate Lou’s birthday every year.
A few months later, we found out that I was pregnant again, and we were both thrilled and terrified. We couldn’t imagine losing another pregnancy, and we hoped for the best, but were cautious with our feelings. Unfortunately, a few days later, we lost our second baby. In the blink of an eye, they were gone. We decided to name them Charlie, my husband’s middle name. We still celebrate Charlie every year as well.
After this, I couldn’t bare to try again. I went through a very dark and sad time in my life. It seemed that everyone around me was getting pregnant and having healthy babies. I went through a period of thinking there was something wrong with me, it was my fault, and that I might never get to carry a pregnancy to full-term and be a mom to a living child. I started working on therapy and healing, and tried to focus on other parts of my life. I found a support group online filled with other people going through miscarriages, and it helped me so much to have people to talk to that understood. During this time, my husband and I fulfilled our dream of full-time RV living, and I fully leaned into this. I knew that, someday, when the time was right, we would try again.
Two years later, after a lot of healing, we found out I was pregnant for the third time. My husband was very hopeful and positive, but I struggled deeply throughout my whole first trimester. It was really traumatic and hard for me to believe that things could go right and not end in loss. On top of the mental struggles, I was also extremely physically sick the first 12 weeks as well. It felt like such a long period of time, just hoping, praying and waiting to make it to the other side. Luckily, I started to feel better and started to enjoy my pregnancy more in the second trimester. I’m feeling more and more positive with each week that passes.
Although pregnancy after loss is extremely difficult, it is also so beautiful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I truly believe that, in a way, my losses helped me appreciate and treasure my current pregnancy even more. Though there’s still two places in my heart that will always feel empty, I know Lou and Charlie watch over me and it comforts me to know that the only thing they ever felt was my unconditional love. I can’t wait to meet my double rainbow baby soon, she is already loved beyond measure.
Photos taken by High Tide Media.
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