My story begins in 2018, two years before embarking on our TTC journey, back when my now husband, Sean and I were still just dating. Today, we live in Atlanta, GA, but back then, we were living in Washington DC. Life was beautiful. We were traveling a lot, we were enjoying living in a new city, and we had a beautiful apartment that we felt was a dream come true. Back then, the future was full of dreams of travel and we relished in the joy of this phase of life. Then one night, out of the blue, I had a dream that would change my life.
In my dream I was walking alone through a field of flowers when out of the blue, a barefoot little girl with long curly hair and a white linen dress came skipping right towards me. Her arms were outstretched making sure that each finger touched its own flower. Her smile was magnetic and her body held a light that covered the space around her in rainbow fractals. I could not help but smile when I saw her and intuitively, I knew she was mine to know. Once she reached me, she stopped, looked up at me with her ocean-green eyes, tugged at my dress and in a voice that sounded like a chorus of soft bells, she spoke. Her voice was aetherial, filled with words that were full of sass and sprinkled with what I could only label as slight annoyance. “Mom! Don’t you know my name? My name is Luna, Luna Belle. Mommy. My name is Luna.” Before I could say one single word back to her, I woke up, opened my eyes and immediately gasped for air. I sat up in my bed, turned to Sean and woke him up with an urgency that felt as if a fire had been lit inside my womb.“Her name is Luna!” Sean just stared at me, confusion covering every ounce of his still-sleeping face. “Our daughter. Her name is Luna. I saw her in my dream! She is so beautiful!” And then…I began to cry. I loved her so much already.
When I first met Luna, I was filled with an excitement so pure. An excitement that held the innocence of a person who had no idea the grief that awaited her. Everything changed for my little family that night. My dream was surreal. It was as vivid as any lived experience, evoking each of my senses and creating a space deep within my heart that could only be inhabited by her. In every way possible, Luna unveiled everything I didn’t know I wanted as well as everything I didn’t know I needed. She came to change me. To bring me home to her and also, to bring me home myself.
Luna would continue to appear to me for years to come. Night after night I would enter into a parallel universe in which my daughter was very much alive. The more I dreamt of her, the clearer she became. Morning after morning, I would wake up and tell Sean all about our little girl. I filled my journals with letters to her and began to seek her out through my meditations as well. Each time she appeared to me I felt as if she was bringing me closer to her, showing me an undiscovered part of her soul that was longing to be seen. I heard her laugh and so did Sean as she began to appear in his dreams as well. I felt her mischievous nature. I held her in my arms and sang her lullabies that I had written just for her. I was, in every way possible, becoming her mother.
Luna’s clear and persistent presence made it feel as if she were a single breath away – that all we needed to do was tell her that it was time and she would appear in my womb, ready to be birthed like magic. It felt easy – too easy. And I relished in the simplicity of it all.
And so, in January of 2020, we began to try and consciously conceive and bring our baby home to us.
When Sean and I first began trying to conceive, the experience was filled with a cosmic-sized optimism. We radiated joy. We were explorers heading out into the new frontier of parenthood. We felt as if we could see the horizon, touch our next chapter of life and land into the enchanting phase of motherhood and fatherhood with an ease that came as soft as breathing. With our excitement tightly wrapped in the most precious of ways, we began to prepare for the arrival of our little moon. We knew that she was just around the corner.
Month after month we waited like children on the eve of Christmas.
Month after month we waited…..and we waited……and we waited.
And yet, no Luna. Instead, we were greeted with monthly cycles of blood. My ever so reliable womb bleeding like clockwork, never a day late.
After six months of trying to conceive, things began to shift. Worry had begun to dilute our enthusiasm as grief began to creep into our lives. Six months slowly turned into one year and it was then that we received our official diagnosis: Unexplained Infertility. Unexplained Infertility is one of those diagnoses that feels like both a punishment and a relief at the same time. There is a relief in knowing that nothing wrong can be found in my ability to conceive nor with my husband’s ability. At the same time, there is a feeling of being punished for the lack of answers received and for the inability to be able to understand why this was happening to us.
Our first doctor, pre IVF, seemed full of hope. He placed me on medicated cycles telling me that I would fall pregnant any month now. A broken promise that made me question my body’s ability to conceive even more. Month after month I bled. Month after month my grief deepened. Then finally, around one year and half into our journey, my period was late. I gathered the nerves to buy a pregnancy test and to pee on it. Much to my surprise, I finally saw it: those double lines that feel very much like the Holy Grail – we were pregnant! Our dream was finally coming true! However, this dream was short lived as we soon found out that our pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy. It was here that loss began to intertwine itself with our journey of infertility.
I grieved this loss deeply and my husband and I drove out West for a month to heal in the desert and in the company of the giant ancient Sequoia Trees. The desert held me and taught me that even barren lands create life. I bled my monthly bleed under the ancient Sequoias and held my womb in a way I had never held it before. Rather than being angry at my body for failing me, I held it like a mother; understanding that my body was grieving too; witnessing the way that my body was trying so hard to become a mother. I cried under the dark moon that night and screamed that I was fertile. Two months after returning back to Atlanta (where we were now living), we traveled down to Miami and I stood by the ocean, which in ancient mythology symbolizes the great cosmic womb. It was there that I realized that perhaps my baby wouldn’t be found in the shallow waters but rather in the deepest womb waters and I would have to dive deep to become a mother. Upon returning home, we made an appointment with our fertility clinic and began treatment.
Hope began to enter our lives at this point. We met with our IVF doctor and she explained to us that our chances/percentage for a successful IVF pregnancy were high. Upon receiving this news, we felt ourselves begin to feel excited in a way that we had not felt for years. Sean and I laughed in awe, feeling like we were finally in “the big leagues” and that with our team guiding the way, our baby would be in our arms in no time. We began our fertility treatments with IUIs. Our first one took place May 9, 2022. Sadly, it failed. We went in two months later for our second IUI which also failed. It was here that we began prepping for IVF.
I fell in love with the IVF process as it helped me feel like I was regaining power. The power that I had lost along the infertility journey was finally put back into my hands. We had appointments, a plan, an incredible doctor, and a clinic that supported us in every way. On October 24, 2022, we began IVF and I took my first injection preparing for our egg retrieval. Our injection time became sacred. My husband lovingly administered them and kissed me tenderly after each shot. I felt as if the injections held magic potions and I wove love into each and every one of them. My body responded well to the trigger shots and our friends and family were at the edge of their seats in excitement. It was here that I began to experience the power of community and the strength of our support system. We truly felt like we had an army cheering us on and the feeling was pure bliss.
On November 4, 2022, we went in for my egg retrieval. We were very lucky to have a bountiful harvest of eggs that turned into embryos. In our large basket, we had all boys and one girl. There was our Luna waiting for us in plain sight. We couldn’t believe it. It all felt like a fairy tale! On December 22, 2022, I went in for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I loved this day as we got to take home a picture of Luna’s embryo and we also got to watch the doctor lovingly place her in my womb. The ten day wait felt long but sweet and I spent those nights singing to her and letting her know my body was safe to call home.
On January 2, 2023 I went in for my first beta and our pregnancy was confirmed. Three days later it was confirmed again during our second beta. Our Luna was on her way…after all these years she was finally on her way down to earth! I could not believe it. My husband and I flew off to Aruba and Colombia where we spent her pregnancy. It was the most perfect pregnancy and allowed my morning sickness days to not feel so rough. My belly was slowly beginning to swell and my breasts were the biggest they had ever been. Every sign of a healthy pregnancy was there and we never imagined the journey that was waiting for us.
On January 30, 2023 we flew back home and on January 31, 2023 we eagerly went in for her 8 week and 3 day ultrasound. My doctor was in the room and she was so excited! However the events that followed were horrific and will haunt me for the rest of my life. There in the ultrasound room that was supposed to gift us our first look at our long awaited baby girl was the angel of death. A missed miscarriage. We had no idea that my body had become her coffin.
I fell into the deepest depression but the only thing keeping me going was the little ways Luna continued to communicate with me. She showed up in numbers, in the moon, in songs. I felt her all around and it was her presence that gave me strength to not only continue going but to also begin to speak her story out loud. During this time, I had remembered that while in Aruba, I told Sean that after Luna was born I wanted to try for a second. I felt that one of our boy embryos was our son. This memory came flooding back to me and I knew that our fight was not over. We had a second child waiting for us.
It would take two months for my HCG levels to return to normal and with that, it would take even longer to begin to be able to step into another IVF cycle. But the time finally came in June of 2023. We transferred our first boy embryo which sadly did not stick. Afterwards, my doctor began to run tests for recurrent miscarriage to see if she could gain any answers as to what was happening to our embryos inside my body. I never imagined that the hurdle to becoming a mother would be sustaining a pregnancy. Like all my other tests, my tests for recurrent miscarriage came back normal – meaning there were no answers once again for what was happening. To heal and to take a break, my husband and I decided to take a month off and travel to Japan. Once again, we found deep healing through our travels and we began to create space for a newfound hope. Two weeks after our return on November 22, 2023, I would have our third FET – this time it would come as a modified natural transfer.
Our third transfer would be our lucky one as it worked! I am currently 7 months pregnant with our miracle angel baby boy whom we have named Mateo Carlos. Words will never be able to express the love I have for him, my sweet beautiful boy who waited for us and loved us through our grief. Our sweet sonshine who gifted us this beautiful pregnancy and has allowed our dreams to fully come true. He is our son and Luna is our moon. When people ask if this is my first baby, I answer by saying, “This is my first that has made it this far.” We will forever be parents of two children; one child lives in the stars while the other is healthily growing in my womb. He is our rainbow after the storm.
Photos taken by Sean Sewell.
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