My husband and I were married in 2016. In 2018 we got pregnant with our now 5 year old after 2 months of trying. The pregnancy was amazing…no morning sickness, no complications other than needing a c section. We decided to start trying for another baby in 2021. After 2 years of trying we decided to seek out infertility options.
We got pregnant on our second round of IUI. We were thrilled and thought the toughest part of this babies journey was over. Again my pregnancy was going well with minor symptoms. We even had a gender reveal which we didn’t do with our son and found out we were having a little girl. Being that Im over 35 instead of a routine ultra sound at 20 weeks they recommended a level 2 ultrasound. We couldn’t get in until I was 21 weeks on a Thursday morning. We were excited to see our little Isabelle for an hour.
After the ultrasound was finished it took a little bit for the doctor to come in. We didn’t think anything of it, and chatted about our upcoming weekend plans, and going back to work that day. Dr. Matt came in and told us he was a doctor who didn’t sugar coat things and would be straight forward. I was grateful for this. He told us he was seeing that Izzy’s heart and stomach wasn’t the correct size along with some other minor issues. His main concern was heart failure. He told us that he was going to send us to a major hospital either that day or Friday but the goal was asap. It was then that I asked him if the option of Izzy not making it was on the table. He was honest and said it was an option but just an option at that time. He then asked our plans for the rest of the day and we both in our shocked state said “um, going to work” He told us he was going to write us notes and that we were going home and not to work. I called my mom on the way home to update her and ask if she would take my son for the evening so we could process everything. She of course agreed.
We were able to get into the specialist the next morning. My mom came with us. We again watched our Isabelle for another hour, moving and even a yawn. I will never forget the yawn. It was 20 min after that yawn, we were in a room of 4 doctors explaining that Isabelle wasn’t going to make it. Isabelle had a very rare heart condition that only 1 in a million babies get. Her chambers were not proportionate and she was in heart failure.
They explained to me that she was so sick and rapidly getting worse. They gave me the options to either wait until she passed and then be induced or be induced. They explained she could pass during the induction or live a few min. I remember my mom starting to cry and asking the doctors if there was anything they could do. The answer was no. On the way home we happened to drive past the clinic we did the IUI at and I looked at my husband and said “who knew that would have been the easy part”
We decided to be induced the following Tuesday at 22 weeks. My doctor was able to met with me that Monday to walk me through everything. I decided to get my epidural before the induction which my doctor agreed to. I had 3 of the most amazing nurses. They took the best care of me throughout the whole process. I ended up having extremely bad back labor and my epidural partially failed. Isabelle passed around 5 and came into the world at the same time my son did: 7:55pm. I think that was a little gift for us. My doctor was not on call that night but came back in to bring Izzy into the world. My nurses and doctor gave us as much time as we wanted with Isabelle. My nurses even put together a box, with her foot, hand prints and made clay foot and hand prints. One of the nurses gave us a teddy bear and put bracelets on it with her name and birthday on it. They still made us a hospital tag too.
The past few months have been the toughest of my life. At first having to navigate parenting and grieving. Then being back to work as a counselor and then the holidays I ended up spiraling into a deep depression and reached out for help right after the new year. I had been in therapy since the week after loosing Izzy but started medication after the new year and amped up my coping skills. I am much more stable with my mental health and am finally starting to feel more like myself. I am gaining insight into what it means for joy and grief to co exist. My family, friends, husband, son, work families, nurses, and doctors have supported us beyond what I ever imagined and we wouldn’t be where we are today without them.
Isabelle—You were bigger than the whole sky
I dont know what the future holds, but I am doing ok, I am stronger than I think, and I can keep going.
Photos taken by Parker Rose Photography.
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