Mallory initially contacted me to take photos for herself, her sister, and her friends. In the end, there were four girls total in this group. Mallory, of Northeast Sisterhood and Birth Doula Services, is the one who got the group together and took all of the photos. The other stories included in this group are Angelica, Martha, and Caitlin.
In December of 2016, I took my first pregnancy test. There was a faint line so small you could barely see it. I instantly ran into the bedroom with my husband Adam and asked him if he could see a line. He told me sweetly” No Mal, I only see one negative line”. However, I know what I saw. It was faint but it was there.
The next morning I tested again and I had the same exact thing just a little stronger. The next few days were going to be the most stressful, yet exciting and happy days of my life. I knew in my heart I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. I was pregnant.
The next week, the line kept getting stronger but it was still faint. In disbelief, I finally thought in my head “I must have gotten a faulty box. We have only been trying for three months and I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) this is impossible! It is going to take me years to get pregnant”.
One-thousand different thoughts ran through my head. I decided I was going to go purchase another box of tests and check in two days. I bought a new box from the store and it was 100% completely negative. I just assumed that it was a bad box because I started what I thought was my period. I bled for 4 days and it was similar to my normal period just slightly lighter. After that the next week I spotted for two days with really bright red blood. Then in January I started bleeding very badly. I was in shock and I couldn’t believe it. My body was going through so many changes. I bled for 6 weeks and my body was very weak.
Nobody tells you that when you miscarry you still have all the symptoms of being pregnant. Your breasts still hurt, you still have morning sickness, and you still feel tired all the time. I became very anemic from the blood loss. When I was testing, I did not realize that your HCG levels determine the strength of the line on your pregnancy test. They don’t add that information in the pregnancy test pamphlet and I honestly knew nothing about it.
I cannot tell you the feelings I felt in my heart when I found out that I had truly lost my baby. That feeling of panic, worry, and a very sick feeling in my stomach is what I felt for the first couple months…All the time. The first month was the hardest. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying because I felt like a part of me was missing. The feeling that there is nothing you can do to keep your baby safe inside of you is the absolute worst.
After my first loss my husband and I decided to take a break from trying so my body and heart could heal. Little did I know that the next three years would be the hardest three years of my life. We struggled with infertility as my periods have never been regular due to my PCOS. I went on two medications to try to get pregnant. Metformin and Clomid. These didn’t work for me. I saw a fertility specialist but when I heard the words IUI, and IVF so early after a loss we decided to just keep trying naturally for awhile.
Flash forward to January of 2019. We kept praying and finally decided it was time to revisit the fertility clinic. I had a couple test done and so much blood work then, we finally had a game plan! 6 Rounds of Letrozole, 6 Rounds of IUI, then 6 Rounds of IVF is what we were about to dive right into. I was feeling hopeful but also so nervous. I couldn’t handle another loss.
After taking three rounds of Letrozole I tested early and had a small faint line. I was so excited! I knew I was pregnant in my heart! I called my Dr the next day and she got me in for blood work. I tested and my HCG was a 5. She told me anything 5 and under is normal however we should test blood work tomorrow and see what it is. It was a 2 the next day. She said “scientifically, we can’t say it was a chemical pregnant because anything under 5 is normal. However, the positive test and the drop in your HCG numbers probably indicated that you had a loss and were indeed pregnant.
My heart sank. Hearing the word Chemical Pregnancy made me sick. I hung up the phone and dropped to me knees and started sobbing. I knew in my heart I had lost another precious babe. Some wouldn’t even classify this as a loss and that is okay. In my heart, I already started forming a bond with that little one and I definitely counted it as a loss. To me, it didn’t matter if I was 5 weeks or 5 months along.
I didn’t know what to do so I asked my Dr and she said it was okay to continue trying. I had been having terrible side effects from the medication. So bad, that I actually had nonstop migraines, body aches, fatigue, nausea, and even abscesses in my mouth that wouldn’t go away until I stopped taking the meds. My body was reacting poorly to it.
My husband and I prayed on what we should do. He told me it was okay to stop and that if we never had children he would still be the luckiest man alive. He truly is amazing. I decided I wanted to give it one more shot and I am so thankful I did.
The very next month I had a positive pregnancy test! I couldn’t believe it! It was a faint line and I was so scared. I called my Dr and my HCG numbers continued to increase! Pregnancy after loss was very hard for me. I spent the entire 9 months in disbelief and was always prepared for something bad to happen to my baby or myself.
February 02, 2020 my Daughter, Ania was born healthy and happy. She is my biggest blessing. I prayed so many days and nights for her and she is more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I thank God for her every day.
Pregnancy loss is so incredibly hard. I felt alone at the time but throughout the years I have gained so much support from sharing my journey. These photos represent my little rainbow baby and the journey it took to get her here. It has only made me a stronger person. Without this journey I would never be where I am at in life now. I recently became a DONA birth doula and started my own business Northeast Sisterhood & Birth Doula services to help support women! We are in this together.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Photos Taken By Siesel Photography.
Read more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Please pin and help spread the project!