Over two years ago I found myself pregnant for the first time ever, after if I am being really honest, not even trying. My husband and I were approaching our first wedding anniversary and had just moved into a new house. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so shocked that I convinced myself it wasn’t meant to be and I would still be getting my period or I would have a miscarriage. How could I become pregnant when I hadn’t been actively trying, especially over 35. As the weeks went by and no miscarriage happened, we began to get excited. This was great news – a year earlier than I had originally planned for.
But all that changed as I approached 12 weeks and we were getting ready to share our news publicly. It still gives me shivers when I think about that day that my doctor phoned with a sad serious voice and told us that the genetic testing had come back and it was abnormal. There was something wrong with our baby. We would need further testing to confirm and she recommended that we would probably need to terminate. The next 3 weeks were a blur as we went to a series of tests and appointments all the while keeping everything private.
Waves of emotions rushed over me. I quickly tried to detach myself from the pregnancy that I was just days before so excited for because it was so painful. It was the worst 3 weeks of my life as we waited for the CVS testing to come to confirm the diagnosis and wait to get into to terminate the pregnancy. I refused at almost 16 weeks to go in and be awake so it took even longer to wait for a hospital appointment and be put asleep. As I waited for my procedure intense anxiety set in – how would I carry on and would we ever try again ? How would I get over this tragedy? I couldn’t believe how fast our life had switched. One day we were talking about nurseries and baby names and the next day we were talking about terminating the pregnancy.
It’s been a long road to get here since our loss almost two years ago. I had no idea how this would impact me and my mental health. Despite my husband wanting to try to conceive again soon after, I was not ready. I needed a huge break from trying to conceive – a full nine month break. I needed in my heart for our baby girl’s due date and the first mother’s day to pass before I could even begin to be ready. Once I was finally ready to start trying again, the journey was not easy – I suddenly couldn’t get pregnant easily and we were told that it would be difficult by fertility doctors. It seemed so odd after I had gotten pregnant without trying just 18 months earlier.
We began some fertility treatment that I did not react well to. My body could not handle the medication – mood swings, hormone levels that did not recover and I ended up with a bunch of painful ovarian cysts and bleeding that sent me to the ER to ensure I did not have ovarian torsion. We were told we had to be patient (as if we hadn’t waited long enough) and we would need to take a break to let my body recover. You cannot do any fertility treatment with large cysts – it is dangerous. It was devastating. Everything felt so unfair . But sometimes when you least expect it, miracles do happen.
Just six weeks later after my ER visit I found myself looking at the two pink lines on a pregnancy test and I had gotten pregnant naturally. I have no idea how this happened as we were told that it would be virtually impossible at that time with the cysts blocking my ovaries. We are beyond grateful for this miracle and our rainbow baby boy is set to arrive early December.
We have been on pins and needles throughout the entire pregnancy – pregnancy after a loss is a very different experience with lots of nerves, emotions and anxiety but we are trying to stay positive and we pray that our baby boy arrives safely. My baby angel girl is forever with us in our hearts, and I think about her every day. We have made a commitment to honour the date we lost her and due date every year. It is something that helps ease our pain and keeps her memory alive.
The bracelet I am wearing that you can see in one of the pictures – is a gift my husband gave me on the due date of the baby girl we lost. It is a pink/sparkle bracelet and has circles but in the centre are two bigger circles and a smaller one together – pink representing that she baby was to be a girl and the 3 circles to be representing us as her parents and the baby in the centre.
Photos taken by Captured By Anastasiia.
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