Krystal's Story

Entering Motherhood

My journey to motherhood seemingly began pretty quickly, but the innocence of being a first time mom was taken from me. In January 2021, I was shocked to find out that I was expecting my first baby. I was thrilled but also terrified of the unknown. As the months went on, it continued to feel surreal.

We found out pretty early that we were having a boy. My husband and I were elated, and the name was a no-brainer as we had the perfect one chosen for a boy: Caelan. The months continued and by the time I knew it, summer was just around the corner (I’m a teacher), and I was excited to have a few months to relax and nest before returning to work for a month until Caelan would arrive.

Those plans came crashing down when I woke up on my last day of the school year in a panic. I just knew he was gone. I didn’t have any bleeding or cramping, but my mama-heart knew my baby was gone. I had an OB appointment that day, so I waited as the hours moved painfully slow. My routine in-and-out 15 minute appointment was painstakingly long, waiting 45 minutes to see my doctor (she was taking an emergency call). Having to wait longer than normal to hear the inevitable felt even more cruel.

My doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat and after 5 minutes of trying, she sent me to get an ultrasound in the same building downstairs. They took me in right away, and the silence of the room felt so lonely. In a panic, I continued to ask: “do you see my baby? Is he alive?” The tech was so compassionate and so kind, and she whispered so caringly “I’m so sorry, but he’s not.” She offered me a hug and tissues, and left briefly to call my doctor back. I went back upstairs to my dr’s office where she consoled me and asked to give me information about next steps, but all I wanted to do was run home to my husband and melt in his arms. She agreed to call me the following morning to further discuss my delivery of Caelan.

The drive home felt so blurry, literally sobbing on the way home knowing that my husband was waiting and probably equally as concerned as I was since I had not given him the news yet, it didn’t feel right to tell him over the phone. The moments upon arriving home, as well as the weeks and months that followed felt so heavy and hopeless as we tried to find the will to survive and carry on. Caelan arrived stillborn on July 1, 2021. I will never forget that day. Although grieving our first baby was extremely unfair and difficult, my husband and I stuck together and truly exemplified a solid foundation of love.

Trying again & expecting our rainbow

With an official diagnosis of a true knot in the cord, we were assured that we could try again whenever we were ready. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try again right away. We were blessed just a few months later with the pregnancy of who was to become our daughter, Oaklyn. Although those 9 months were terrifying and emotional, it was entirely worth it to have our rainbow arrive in June of 2022.

Surprise – our third baby!

In June of 2023, shortly after celebrating our daughter’s first birthday, I was shocked to realize my period was a week late. I thought to myself, wow I better take a pregnancy test just in case. I convinced myself it was just late, but sure enough… I was in fact pregnant. I was so excited, and knowing I had a “successful” live birth reassured me that things could turn out pretty amazing, and maybe it was just extremely bad luck with losing Caelan. I felt so sick the entire summer, but I kept moving along knowing it would be worth it once we had our baby here. I think I was too sick to fully embrace the excitement of a new pregnancy, so it was a nice change of pace when I started to feel better around 11 weeks.

After our 12 week ultrasound we announced my pregnancy, with pictures of my daughter in a “Big sister” onesie and big pink balloons that said the same. Unfortunately, at my next appointment (15 weeks) my OB couldn’t find the heartbeat, and after being assured the baby is still small, she sent me down for an ultrasound again “just in case.” This time, I didn’t have a gut wrenching feeling or anything, I had been telling myself affirmations and working on breathing exercises to regulate my emotions. So it came as a shock to me when the ultrasound tech wouldn’t share any information, and I immediately realized that I was yet again losing another baby. I begged “can you just tell me, please.” But was told that the tech wasn’t able to give me any information. It felt unfair I wasn’t allowed to know the inevitable, when it seemed so definite.

Unfortunately my doctor had left her office in the meantime, but she called me over the phone at the ultrasound office to share with me that my baby’s heart did in fact stop beating. I had to return in the morning to discuss a D&C. On September 21, 2023 I had my D&C. I feel like I handled this loss a lot harder than my first, I just couldn’t understand why me again. After 4 months of grieving through therapy, yoga, and other outlets to try to heal, I realized I was in a deep depression, and started anti-depressants to help me regulate.

Digging deep to try one last time

My husband and I decided that we would give this one last shot, and hope to God we could have one more living child. We always thought we’d have many children together, but never anticipated that loss would play such a large part in our journey. Although it took us a few months longer this time around, we found out I was pregnant again in March of 2024. With fear of losing another baby I continued to access resources to help me stay afloat, and I can say I was able to grasp a new found hope that carried me through my pregnancy.

Life today looks so much different than when we were deep in the trenches of grief. We have an energetic 3-year-old girl, Oaklyn, with a zest for life that we are just in awe of… and now we have our second rainbow who is the most content one-year-old girl, Scotlyn (Scottie), and she is just as sweet as pie. We once dreamed of and prayed so hard to bring our future children home one day, and today we are equally grateful for both of our living daughters as well as our two angels in heaven: Caelan and Baby L.

If you’re searching for your rainbow, don’t lose hope. Although I can’t guarantee everyone will get their rainbow, the chance that you could is such a worthwhile endeavour.