My husband Vaughn and I had been together for 8 years when the military gave us orders to move from our hometown in Colorado to Louisiana. We have always wanted children, but the timing just never felt right. We decided with this new adventure of being in a new state we felt it was a perfect time to start trying to start our family. We had no idea if it would take month, maybe even years, but we knew that we wanted to begin trying.
On March 29th, 2021 I found out I was pregnant after only our first cycle of trying. The moment those two lines appeared I was completely overjoyed and thanked God. I planned to wait to tell Vaughn the exciting news on his birthday on April 4th, but I was too excited and decided to go to the store after work to pick up a few things. I found a perfect onesie that said, “Daddy’s little buddy” and I picked up a digital pregnancy test. I got it all set up and convinced Vaughn to open this box as an early birthday present and when he did he was so beyond excited! We laughed, we cried, and we thanked God for this little baby that was growing inside me.
I was about 4 weeks when I called my OB to schedule my 8 week ultrasound. By 5 weeks I had some bleeding that was very concerning, we felt like our hopes and dreams were starting to crumble and fall apart around us. I called my OB and they said there wasn’t much they could do at that point and if I continued bleeding to call them the next day and they would move my ultrasound up to 6 weeks. I was still bleeding a little the next day so I called and got my appointment moved up, I continued to have some spotting for the next few days. We were a mess that week. All we could do was pray. Finally, April 16th we went in for our ultrasound and we were absolutely relieved when we heard our baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. We were so relieved and thankful to see and hear that we had a healthy little baby growing inside my womb.
As the weeks went on I had a very normal and healthy pregnancy. By 12 weeks we decided to take a blood test to find out our babies gender. My parents flew out to visit and our friends thew us an amazing gender reveal where we found out we were going to have a little boy! We spent the weekend shopping and picking out the cutest outfits for our baby boy. July 1st, we moved into our new home and began setting up and preparing our sons nursery. On July 8th we went in for our anatomy scan, and he was absolutely perfect. He had a strong heartbeat and everything was measuring and looking exactly how it should. Little did we know a couple weeks later everything would change.
We decided to have some friends over on July 24th for a game night and that evening I started having some back pain. At the time I didn’t really thing much of it and figured it was just a normal pregnancy symptom. By 10:30 that evening every one had left and my back pain had become worse. I went to the bathroom and I could feel “something”. I called my husband from the other room and told him we needed to go to the hospital now. On our drive there we called my parents just to let them know something didn’t feel right and that we were going in. While we drove we prayed that everything would be alright.
Once we got to the hospital we were escorted up to L&D. When we got to our room our nurse did their initial exam and told us they could see our son in his sac and that he would be arriving soon. We knew at almost 21 weeks our son did not have a chance of surviving. My OB arrived and put my bed at an incline in an attempt to get him to move back up on my own with the hope of placing an emergency cerclage. I learned that I had back labor and all the back pain I had been feeling all day and all night were contractions. I stayed in bed at an incline the rest of the night and my husband stayed by my side to help me get through every wave. Even in the midst of his own fears and worries he encouraged me and comforted me every step of the way. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the night if he wasn’t there.
Early the next morning I ended up getting an epidural to try and help with some of the pain. My OB came in afterwards and attempted to move him up further but in the process my water broke. We knew at this point that we would be meeting our son sooner than we had planned. Vaughn and I laid in bed together and listened to our sons heartbeat on the monitor as we anticipated his arrival.
A few hours later I could feel my contractions again as the epidural began to wear off and we called the nurse. It was time to push and meet our son. We knew that even though he was still alive in my womb, he may not take his first breath when he arrived. On July 25th at 10:43am Asher Scott Alire was born still. My mom arrived to town later that afternoon and she was able to meet our son and we sent pictures to the rest of our family. Our two closest friends were also able to come meet and hold our son. Asher’s name has so much beaning to us, Asher means fortunate blessed and happy one, and his middle name Scott is after my father.
We laughed, we cried many many tears, we thanked God and we prayed. Through all the ups and downs we knew that God had a greater plan in heaven for our son and we found a lot of comfort knowing that the first person Asher saw when he opened his eyes was Jesus. Even on our worst day we ran to Jesus knowing that he is our strength and our comforter when we are at our lowest.
Once we got home we started to learn how to cope and grieve the loss of our son. Our emotions of it all come in waves, some waves more intense than others. We have put our trust, our hope and our faith fully in the Lord and know that while this wasn’t our plan, this was part of His plan. On the hard days, we pray and on the less hard days we pray. The death of our son will never be easy and we will grieve his loss every day until we meet again one day in heaven, but we have also learned to celebrate him and show others that there is still so much joy to be found in the midst of our grief.
As the days, weeks and month seemed to slowly creep by we prayed that God would one day bless us with another baby and that Asher would one day get to be a big brother. We longed to be parents again and after many months we found out we would be expecting not only one but two babies. While we anticipate our little miracles arrival in October we are learning to lay our fears and anxieties in the hands of God. He has carried us through our lowest valley and we know he will continue to watch over us and these babies and provide for us. Pregnancy after loss has not been easy so far and we have a long way to go but we are just so thankful for every day we have with these babies and we can’t wait to hold them in our arms later this year.
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer” Romans 12:12
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18
You are so loved and so very missed Asher, I know you are dancing with the angels in heaven.
Photos taken by Breanna Kristine Photography.
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