In 2022, my husband and I began our journey to conceive. I had my nexplanon implant removed in August, and we spent month after month tracking our fertility, seeing negative after negative. In April of 2023, we finally got our first positive! And our second… and third…. and so on.
We were overjoyed, and began telling our friends and family we were expecting, only to find out after experiencing bleeding our pregnancy was chemical only. We decided to take a break after our miscarriage, and focus on our careers as teachers and traveling together.
On November 14th, 2023, I had the biggest hankering for a quarter pounder. “Weird,” I thought to myself. “I haven’t wanted one of these in years!” This being so, I decided to take a pregnancy test, and the strongest two pink lines I had ever seen were staring back at me. I couldn’t believe it! This time felt different. I could picture my baby in my arms, the family my husband and I dreamed of. We continued testing… and the line just kept getting darker and darker. “It’s going to happen this time!” I thought to myself, overfilled with joy.
We went in for our first ultrasound, and sure enough, our little babe was there. We watched them grow with each passing week, until finally in January we found out our sweet baby was a boy! We had so many girl names picked out since I was so nauseous, but right before going in to our gender scan, my husband and I looked at each other and said, “We have got to pick a boy name, you know, just in case!” I smiled. “Theodore.” My husband looked delighted, “That was my pick, I love it! Theodore James.”
We watched our Theo grow and grow, the healthiest, chunky little boy. And finally on July 4th, 2024, we welcomed our sweet Theodore James into the world. “Every year, we are going to tell him the country sets off fireworks just for him,” my husband and I declared, enamored with our sweet boy.
We came home, and soaked up every minute of cuddles and love with our Sunshine. We went to our first family outing in September, and grew excited to start taking him out to experience the world around him. Every appointment we were met with “He is doing great, and he is very healthy! Keep up the routine he has, and if you’re feeling well, it’s time for him to explore!” our Pediatrician said. So my husband and I planned a trip to our favorite park with the biggest frog pond to take our boy to on my birthday since we had our maternity photos there and it held special memories. On September 18th, I put my sweet Theodore to bed, waking up throughout the night to feed. At 6am, I woke again, and our little Tootie was so full of energy and smiles. We fed, rocked, sang, and finally I put him in his crib for what I didn’t know would be the last time at 7:30am. “We’ve got to take a nap, Tootie, we have a big day of exploring ahead of us!” I said as I kissed his forehead.
At 8am, September 19th, 2024, I awoke abruptly from our short nap with a horrible feeling. I checked on Theodore, and he was unresponsive. I immediately cried out for my husband to call 911 as I began CPR, begging Theodore to wake up. Paramedics arrived and took over. I followed behind the ambulance to the hospital with EMS staff. They brought me to a lonely room with tissues. My heart sank. I prayed and prayed. The nurse came to get me, and as soon as I stood up I saw nurses and doctors lining the hall, looking at me with pure sorrow and pain in their eyes. They brought me in to the room with Theodore, and called his TOD. I collapsed to my knees. The world around me became a blur. My milk started pouring out from my chest, my body calling out for my sweet Theodore, but he wasn’t here anymore.
The world stopped for my husband and I. The light was gone. It was dark. We had his service and finally brought him home in his beautiful urn. The next few months were a blur of grief, pain, and anger. We finally received our sons ME report- SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome took our sweet sunshine from us.
My husband and I started seeing frogs and turtles everywhere. Frogs were Theo’s thing, his whole nursery…. But the turtles?? “Huh…. He must love the show Franklin up there in the sky.” My husband said. We saw more turtles and rainbows and frogs..and I knew our Theo was up to something. Something very special.
In January 2025, something told me to take a test. I looked back at it again this time…. And again. Those two pink lines stared back at me. “Oh my God, Theo sent us his little sibling!!” My husband said. We prayed, we tested over and over…. Watching the lines get darker again. We held our breath for our first ultrasound…. And the next. And the next… after opting for genetic screening, our nurse called us. “Any last guesses?” She asked. “Perhaps a girl?” My husband and I replied… “Are you sure? I think Theo decided he wanted a little brother!” She exclaimed. Tears burst down our faces. At that moment, we knew it was Theo all along giving us signs…. “His name is Franklin.” My husband and I said. We have our sunshine, and now we are expecting our rainbow in Late September/Early October 2025. We are right around the corner to meeting the sweet little guy Theodore chose to be his brother, and we are incredibly grateful. Theodore taught us parenthood… strength; undying love— grief. Grief IS love. Franklin has taught us that grief and joy can coexist. For the rest of my life, I will advocate for SIDS awareness and education in honor of our sweet Theodore James. Thank you, to both of my boys, for choosing me to be your mama. Every moment that I have carried you, both on the inside and outside have been a privilege, a blessing. We love you our sweet Sunshine and Rainbow.
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