Autumn’s story
My husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby on January 5th of 2024! We were so excited and quickly told family and close friends!
Our first ultrasound at 10 weeks we saw her moving around like crazy, even the tech said she never seen a baby move that much so early on! Even through all the sickness and back pain we just couldn’t wait to meet her! We picked a name early on that her daddy fell in love with! We named her after me and my close cousins middle name’s, Autumn Rose!
We decorated her room in pink mushrooms, mushrooms were something I have always collected since I met my husband. Family spoiled her like crazy, buying so much mushroom decor we could all find!
Around 24 weeks we noticed some swelling, the Dr wasn’t too concerned at this point because blood pressure was raised a little but not alarming. We ended up losing my dad unexpectedly on May 26th. Which was so heartbreaking to go through, knowing he wouldn’t get to meet his sweet granddaughter. Preparing the funeral and saying goodbye, along side my sisters, was very stressful for all of us. We were not prepared to lose our dad during a very joyous time in our lives.
At 26 weeks we had an appointment, my blood pressure was a little more elevated and the swelling was worse on my feet. The Dr said we would start twice weekly NST’s and BP monitoring at home. Everything went okay for a few weeks but I became more swelled all over and very uncomfortable from it. I had to take leave from work and rest as much as I could to help maintain BP and swelling. I was eventually diagnosed with preeclampsia and started BP medication.
Through all the stress of losing our dad and feeling very uncomfortable from the extra swelling and fluid, my sisters still managed to put on a beautiful baby shower for us! Of course the theme was mushrooms, for our baby girl. We finally had our last ultrasound on August 5th, Autumn was in the 99th percentile for growth and the estimated weight was 8lbs. The tech noticed I had a partial placenta previa, so ultimately it was in our best interest to schedule a 37 week c-section!
On August 7th at 36 weeks, one week before our scheduled c-section, I had what I thought was a Braxton hick. Went to the bathroom and noticed blood. We called our Dr. and she said to pack bags just in case and head into labor and delivery. We get into triage and Autumn was doing good, but I was having back to back contractions. We got admitted and the Dr said “ you won’t be leaving this hospital without your baby”. At this point we were nervous but knew we would finally get to meet our sweet baby girl. The Doctor decided to wait till the morning to deliver her since our vitals were good and she wanted to give me a second steroid shot to help mature Autumn’s lungs.
At 36 weeks, she was still a little early and we didn’t want her to have to go to the NICU. My doctor went home and we settled in for the night, excitedly waiting to meet our baby girl in the morning. During this 5ish hours my contractions got worse and uncomfortable. My sisters and mom made it to the hospital. The pain was getting worse and I had the nurses in and out of my room turning and repositioning me. I also started bleeding more. Finally the Dr came back into the hospital and I was wheeled into the OR for my c-section. They placed a doppler on Autumn and we heard a heartbeat. We waited to hear her for the first time.
Unfortunately during the C-section, all we heard was a huge splat and Autumn did not come out crying. I was very confused in this moment as I was a first time mom but knew I should have heard my baby cry. My husband and I kept asking the nurses what was going on, they just kept saying that she needed some help breathing. As time went on someone came in to pray over us and I noticed all the nurses crying. I was still naive thinking nothing could happen to my baby. After what felt like an eternity, the pediatrician came to my husband and I and confirmed he was not able to get a heartbeat on Autumn.
I immediately screamed for my baby. A nurse grabbed my face and held our forehead’s together and cried with me. I turned to my husband and his knees were on the floor. How could this happen to us. How could my baby be happily moving in my belly one minute and gone the next. I was put into a wheelchair and Autumn placed into my arms. I was wheeled back to our room as all the nurses stood silently out in the halls. The silence was deafening. A part of us died with her that day. The Dr and pediatrician came in to talk to us about what happened and how hard the pediatrician worked to get a heartbeat on Autumn.
We eventually found out that I had a concealed placental abruption. We were able to spend 3 very hard but also very beautiful days with our girl. Autumn weighed 7lbs 9.5oz and was 20inches long! Absolutely perfect, beautiful baby! Thankfully our hospital had a cuddle cot, which helped preserve her little body. We took lots of pictures, the hospital even provided a professional bereavement photographer. I sang to her as much as I could. Watched my husband swaddle her, something he practiced so much before meeting her. We cried a lot but we also smiled too. We couldn’t get over her beauty and how much she looked like her mama. The nurses made jewelry and hand/feet prints for us! They did everything they could to help us remember every part of her! We bathed her, dressed her and spent as much time soaking up what we had left before saying goodbye. I got to watch my mom and two sisters hold my baby for the first and last time. I watched as my husband kissed her little head and rocked her. Something I dreamed about since the day I met him.
Saying goodbye will forever be the hardest thing we had to do as new parents. Luckily we had an amazing support system of family, friends and people we didn’t even know who helped us through the very hard months after this. We spent those months after trying to figure out how to live without her. Lots of therapy, family who spent every second with us. Even though we know we will never feel whole without her here we did learn our own way of honoring and remembering her. We have pictures up of her beautiful face. We have a memory box to put special little items in that we still occasionally buy for her.
In return she has sent us so many signs that she’s watching over us! Little mushrooms, orange butterflies and white bunnies! It’s actually been wild how much we see mushrooms. How much our family and friends see mushrooms! She has a miraculous way of showing us she is still with us! Autumn Rose taught us so much about love and we will forever share that with the world! As a loss mom you never know what to do or how things should be done. What I did learn was that I’m a mother and she is my baby. She may not physically be here but that statement does not change. Her spirit is very present to us and we will forever be grateful for that. Our angel baby
Autumn Rose is now expecting a little brother due in November. After coming across Journey for Jasmine on TikTok I just knew I had to be a part of project finding your rainbow to help honor our Autumn Rose and welcome our Marshall Robert earth side!
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Make sure to follow Journey For Jasmine on Instagram, Facebook, and Tik-Tok!
Listen to the Finding Hope After Loss Podcast!