Dear Sofia,
You came into my life when I didn’t expect it, but oh, how wanted you were. Getting pregnant with you came naturally, and from the moment I saw those two lines, my heart already belonged to you. I dreamed of holding you, smelling your hair, and feeling your heartbeat against mine.
Your pregnancy wasn’t easy, but every symptom felt like proof you were there. I felt sick, tired, emotional but I didn’t care. You were worth every wave of nausea, every restless night. I used to imagine what colour your eyes might be, or if you’d have my nose. I talked to you like you could already hear me.
Then came the day changed everything. I was around 22 weeks when I lost you. There wasn’t a reason anyone could give me that made sense , just a silence that swallowed me whole. A pain that made me want to end my own life. One moment, you were with me, and the next, you were gone. I remember holding you, so tiny and perfect, wishing time would stop just so I could stay in that moment a little longer. You were beautiful, Sofia , so small, but so perfect. I had to be induced and was alone when you made your entrance to the world and a part of me has been alone ever since.
Leaving the hospital without you broke something inside me. The care I received was kind, but nothing could touch the ache. I kept the small keepsakes they gave me a box filled with reminders that you where gone and never coning back, the only pieces of you I could take home. Family and friends tried to help, but no one really knew what to say. I felt angry, empty, lost. Some days, I still do.
It took a long time before I could even think about trying again. I was scared, scared of more loss, scared my heart couldn’t take it. But eventually, I found courage again, because love is stronger than fear. Your brothers and sisters love you. You’re their sister in heaven, their quiet protector.
It’s been eight years, and I still find ways to honour you. I light candles, whisper your name, and talk about you when I can. You’ll always be my little girl, the one who taught me that love doesn’t end ,it just changes form.
You not only changed my life but saved it. Made me stronger that I ever was, then I ever though I could be. You are the perfect part of me that can never be tarnished by this world and the cruelty of it all.
You may not be in my arms, but you’ll forever be in my heart.
Until we meet again, my sweet Sofia.
Love always,
Mum
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